Month: May 2012

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How Much Responsibilty Should You Have For Your Friends?

by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment on How Much Responsibilty Should You Have For Your Friends?

I am a big proponent of everyone being responsible for themselves, and this is largely because of my own personal flaws. I am a codependent. I often feel responsible for other people’s happiness and well being. This often times puts me in situations where I get used or even worst, don’t treat myself right because I’d prefer to see others happy before myself. Still, I think there are times when you should have a responsibility to and for your friends, and of course times when you should not.

The other night, a friend of mine went out drinking with a female friend of his. They both got intoxicated, she more so than he. After the drinking was done, he tried to help her sober up by walking around with her and forcing her to drink water. It was getting late and he was ready to go home so he took her to an establishment and according to him, told them that they were responsible for her and to not allow her to drive. Well, an hour later he got a call from a police officer saying that he had stopped her, was giving her a DUI and wanted to know if he was available to pick up her car from the side of the road.

My friend was devastated. At one end he felt responsible and on the other, felt like he had done all he could do and that she was a grown woman responsible for her own decisions. I agreed with him to a certain extent, except she was intoxicated and intoxicated people usually make very poor decisions. On top of that, as a friend, I felt like he should have placed her in a taxi and make sure she got home safely. When my friends and I go out drinking, we ALWAYS have a designated driver. I thought it was a poor decision on both of their parts to both drink in the first place. And as a man, I thought he should have been extra protective of his female friend.

I watched as he went back and forth from feeling bad, to feeling like he did nothing wrong and I notice I was starting to feel a certain way about him, almost as if I couldn’t trust or count on him in a life or death situation. I wondered if we had been together that night and he was more sober than I was, would he have left me to fend for myself the way he did his female friend. Then I had to start questioning what type of friend was he really? Sure he’s a fun person to hang around, but I was starting to think that he certainly wasn’t someone to count on in a life or death situation. Me, being who I am, would have never left my friend to fend for herself while she was inebriated, but maybe that’s just the codependency in me, or maybe that’s because I think friends should always look out for the best interest of each other.

So I think there is a line between taking responsibility for say, your friends happiness and being so codependent that you are not allowing them to learn to take care of themselves, but in the situation when it comes to your friends safety, especially when they are not in the right frame of mine to look out for themselves, I do think a good friend has the responsibility to make sure that their friend doesn’t do something irreparably foolish that they will certainly regret later.

Taking Control of Your LIfe

Are You an Emotional Tampon?

by Torey C. Richards, LMHC16 Comments on Are You an Emotional Tampon?

Often men, good men who are emotionally available when so many other men are emotionally unavailable find themselves thrown into the role of being an emotional tampon by the women they care about.

According to Urbandictionary.com, an emotional tampon is “a role taken on by a man in a ‘just friends’ male/female relationship. An emotional tampon is a man who will always be there to provide a woman with the proverbial ‘shoulder to cry on’ or some other outlet for her to otherwise vent her emotional frustration, problems and mental unbalance. Ultimately, he becomes the only person for whom this behavior is reserved as nobody else will tolerate it but him.”  -Gregory Prius

This especially happens when a man is trying to become more than friends with a female who has already delegated him to the “just friends” category. These men usually aren’t aware, or are in denial of their doomed state and think that being friends will lead to more, but it seldom does and usually ends up with many nights of listening to her complain about the no good guys she keeps seeing and trying to make her feel better after her heart has been broken again and again with hopes that their loyalty and and passion will be repaid with equal loyalty and passion, hopefully in the form of a real relationship.

The problem with being an emotional tampon is that this never happens! You get used and once she is feeling better, moved on to a different guy or got back with the same guy, you’re cast aside with no regard until her next period emotional crisis. This usually leaves the guy feeling jilted, bitter and angry towards the female, but usually he says nothing and is all too eager to relegate himself as her emotional tampon the next time she comes crying. These guys hearts are big, they are emotionally over available to an extent, but in the end, they are always left feeling fouled and unappreciated.

The Psychology Behind Men Who Tend to Be Emotional Tampons

These men tend to suffer from lack of self-esteem and confidence. They often are enablers and codependent. They often feel responsible for other people who should be responsible for themselves. And, they are dreamers. Nothing is wrong with being a dreamer, but it’s important to know when to let a dream go, especially when you are being used.

If you recognize yourself as an emotional tampon, you should just stop it! Yes, it’s that simple, stop it! Stop allowing someone to use you. Everyone is given one life and is responsible for it, not you! You are responsible for your own life and that’s it. It won’t be easy, we really care for and often times even love the women we become emotional tampons too, but it’s really just a fuzzy fantasy. It’s okay to be a friend and part of someones support system, but it’s not okay if that relationship is only one way and you don’t benefit from it at all. It will only leave you feeling used and emotionally drained. Save all of that energy for a woman who will appreciate your emotional availability and will reciprocate in one way or the other. Your days of being used for a few days out of the month and then thrown away until needed again are over!