Achieve Your Goals Using the GROW Coaching Model

Achieve Your Goals Using the GROW Coaching Model

This morning I worked with a patient who unfortunately ended up in the hospital after a near fatal suicide attempt. Honestly when he first came in I didn’t think he was going to make it because his condition was so grim, but over the past several weeks he has made a miraculous recovery although he still faces a long uphill battle.

Today he was given some frustrating news that he is likely going to have to have another surgery after he thought he was done having surgeries. I could hear in his voice that he was upset that this will prolong his hospital stay (he is no longer suicidal, realizes how lucky he is and wants to be home with his family dearly), but also with each surgery there are risks of more complications and possibly even death.

I sat with him, listened to his concerns and offered words of encouragement and validated his feelings. I also reminded him of all the love and support he has of his wife and children. That’s when I decided it would be helpful for us to use the GROW coaching model to help get him through the feelings of hopelessness and negativity he was staring to express as he contemplated on goin through with the surgery or not.

What is the GROW Coaching Model?

GROW stands for goal, reality, options and way forward (or will do). It’s a simple and powerful tool that many business leaders, life coaches and therapist use, but with a little practice, anyone can use it at anytime to help them achieve their goals.

The fist thing is to figure out what is your goal. Your goal should be a SMART goal, meaning it should be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and timely.

GOAL

  • This patient stated that his goal is to get well enough to return home with his family as soon as medically possible

REALITY

  • He acknowledged that while his goal is to get home to his family, the reality is that he is currently stuck in the hospital, still fighting to recover from what should have been an non-survivable injury.

OPTIONS

Looking around the room that his family had decorated with beautifully handmade get well cards and family pictures, I actually told him that he had no other options but to get better, but of course in reality he does. and together we processed those

  • He mentioned he could refuse to have surgery which would likely worsen his condition and possibly lead to death or more permanent brain damage
  • He could talk to the medical team for a better understanding of what the surgery entails along with it’s risks and benefits so that he would feel more comfortable making a decision either way
  • He could have the surgery, which while it comes with risks, has far more potential benefits of helping him recover

Way Forward

Lastly we came up with a plan based on his goal, the reality of his current situation and his options.

  • He decided he would talk to the medical team and voice his concerns about the surgery

Personally, I wanted him to chose to have the surgery as I think it is the best option, but I’m not the one having the surgery and it’s not my job to give him my opinion. My job is to help guide him to make the best decision possible based on the information available and I think his choice to postpone the surgery until he has a clear understanding from the medical team is the best decision for him.

Once he has met with the medical team I’ll see what his decision is and help him through that as well.

The beauty about using the GROW model to help figure out goals is that you can use it everyday for small goals or use it as for major, life changing goals.

Recently using the GROW model helped me realize that a plan of action one of my clients had was really not going to help him achieve his goal and we were able to use the model for him to see it for himself without me having to directly point it out which was great. This not only helped him achieve his goal, but also saved us a lot of time in helping him to achieve it.

Try the GROW model out for yourself. I personally use it regularly and find it extremely helpful and efficient.

Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing

It was only recently that I realized I had spent a great deal of time in not one, but two relationships where I was the victim of breadcrumbing. Although the term breadcrumbing is relatively new, the acts behind it are not.

What exactly is breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing is basically the act of leading someone on. The person doing the breadcrumbing has no real interest in the same type of commitment to the relationship (romantic, social, intimate, etc) that the other person desires. Still, the breadcrumber enjoys the attention or special favors gained from associating with the other person, so they do just enough to keep that person seeking more through superficial acts of interest and flirtation. In the end however, the breadcrumber never gives the other person the full relationship they are seeking and often ends up hurting them through abandonment, false expectations, and empty promises.

The breadcrumber often shows interest when they want something and once they get it, they go back to being elusive and self-absorbed. Most of the time, the person being breadcrumbed eventually realizes that they are being led on, but often continue to deal with the other person in hopes that eventually the breadcrumbing will stop, and the other person will genuinely desire the same type of relationship with them that they are seeking.

Breadcrumbing happens a lot in dating and relationships where one person is looking for commitment and is being strung along by the breadcrumber who does just enough to give their “victim” hope. It can also happen in other relationships as well such as friendships where one friend is constantly seeking connection while the other entertains the friend when it benefits them and then basically disappears when it doesn’t. It can even happen at work in situations such as a supervisor giving you extra responsibilities and hope saying you’ll get promoted one day, but that day never seems to come.

Breadcrumbing can cause the person being subjected to the breadcrumbing to undergo emotional stress, anxiety and even depression due to breadcrumbing being inconsistent and lacking integrity. More severe forms of breadcrumbing can even border on the lines of manipulation, emotional abuse, and narcissistic behavior.

Sometimes it’s hard to identify if you’re being breadcrumbed because usually the person being breadcrumbed is unsure of how the other person feels about them. They know how they feel about the breadcrumber, but they get mixed signals in return. Often this can make the person feel like they’re on an emotional rollercoaster.

I know in once incident when I was being breadcrumbed, every time I thought this person and I were finally crossing over the line of friendship into a romantic relationship, she’d back off only to come back around again whenever she was going through personal problems and again we’d get close, spend a lot of time together and practically be in a relationship only for her to put distance between us again. It was painful. Sometimes she’d tell me she wasn’t ready for a relationship only to get into a relationship with someone else. Of course when that relationship (and the next, and the next) didn’t work out, she’d come back around and I would hope that this time would be different, but it never was.

This lead to me having a lot of anxiety, self-doubt and insecurity which is a very common experience when you’re being breadcrumbed.

Relationship Dependency

Breadcrumbing can also lead to relationship dependence because of the inconsistency and false hope given to the person being breadcrumbed. They keep showing up and trying in hopes of one day winning the lottery and somedays they feel like they get so close to picking the lucky numbers that it’s hard to stop playing even when it seems hopeless.

Like I said, the young lady I was being breadcrumbed by often spend so much time together talking, or going out for dinner or drinks that it very often felt like we were a couple, but only when she wanted to. More often than not we’d make plans only for her to cancel them at the last minute.

The breadcrumber has all the power over approval, attention and acceptance which adds to the relationship dependency. The person being breadcrumbed always wants to be in the company of the breadcrumber, but the breadcrumber only comes around when it benefits them in some way. They usually aren’t really there when the person being breadcrumbed needs them, yet the person still holds out hope that one day that will change.

Sadly, often times the breadcrumber doesn’t really care about the person being breadcrumber or they are too emotionally unavailable to offer more than what they are giving. Perhaps they are already in a committed relationship or are holding out for what they perceive is their ideal person and until then, they will take what they can get from you.

Eventually the person being breadcrumbed usually realizes that they have been wasting their time, energy, money and attention on someone who is not going to return it in the way that they desire and deserve.

For me it took years and multiple times being hurt and disappointed before I realize that it was never going to happen. By then I had suffered through bouts of loneliness, low-self esteem and even depression because as much as I wanted our relationship to work, it was always leaving me feeling as if I weren’t good enough.

People who do the breadcrumbing aren’t usually bad people. Yes, sometimes they are narcissistic and just want to hurt and use you (those tend to be bad people), but often they actually like you, just not in the same way you like them or they just can’t give you what you want. They don’t want to totally let you go because they realize you have a lot to offer. Exes often do breadcrumbing because they haven’t really moved on or they don’t want you to move on, for example.

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself if you deserve to be treated better than the way the breadcrumber is treating you and if that answer is yes, then it’s time to move on from that relationship and seek the fulfilling relationship you deserve with someone who wants the same thing.

Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

Most people don’t choose to fall in love with a narcissist. Narcissists have an uncanny way of being charming and swooning. Yeah, they may be a little arrogant, but confidence is attractive. What separates someone who is confident from someone who has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Is your partner a narcissist? I know that term gets thrown around a lot out of context, often when someone disagrees with their partners behavior, but if you were in a relationship with a true narcissist you would know it.

Perhaps you know that your partner isn’t treating you right and that they are arrogant, seem to have an inflated ego, takes pokes at you that make you feel bad, and they have angry outbursts that are often out of proportion to the situation. You may not realize it, but you may be stuck in what is known as “the narcissistic abuse cycle”.

Narcissists for the most part are not capable of being in a healthy, loving and equal relationship because when it comes to the narcissist, they must always put themselves first. Even when it seems like they’re not, it’s usually because they are planting seeds for something later.

As someone in a relationship with a narcissist, you will feel the relationship is constantly suffering and you might not be quite sure why.

Here are some signs you should look out for to help determine if you’re indeed in a relationship with a narcissist and caught up in the narcissistic abuse cycle.

You Hold Back Constructive Criticism

Do you Feel like you can’t give your partner constructive criticism because they always take it the wrong way? It turns into a fight you weren’t trying to have, or they find a way to turn it around on you? So instead of saying what’s on your mind you tend to bite your tongue more often than you’d like. An example is, if you tell your partner after his fourth beer that maybe he doesn’t need another, he lashes out at you for calling him an alcoholic or he says you’re always breathing down his back and you’re the reason he drinks.

You Come Second Almost All the Time

Do your wants, needs and desires come second to your partners? Does it feel like most of the time they’re not even considered? A narcissist is so focused on themselves that they often don’t even consider what their partner might want or need. For example, your partner knows you’re a vegetarian, but never takes you to a Vegan restaurant, but instead to his favorite Steak House where he insists you can order a salad and veggies there.

You’re Unfairly Labeled

This is a form of gaslighting that narcissist do very well. They dismiss you as being “dramatic’, “silly” or “controlling”.  The way a narcissist does this makes you start to question yourself. You start to doubt your own thoughts and believes. What the narcissist is doing is slowly eating away at your worldview while reinforcing theirs. You start wondering, “Maybe I am too sensitive and dramatic”.

You Start Falling for Their Fantasies

Often narcissists live in a fantasy world where they are better at things then they really are. This is especially true when it comes to money. Very often, a narcissist will spend money they don’t have in order to appear more successful than they are, even if that means neglecting their spouse and other priorities. They may not buy you gifts, or buy you gifts that seem not thoughtful, while splurging on gifts for themselves they can show off.

The Relationship Is Unstainable

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is very much like being in a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder, much of their traits are similar. The only way the relationship has a way of surviving is if you are okay with always putting the other person first and your needs, desires and dreams second if at all. That isn’t a healthy relationship for anyone and yet many people stay in long term relationships with narcist and suffer every day. Their wishes, desires and dreams are constantly being ignored and even extinguished. This can not only cause the person to have low self-esteem, but can actually be traumatic and cause post traumatic stress disorder in some people.

It’s important to recognize if you’re in an unhealthy relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality and start educating yourself and taking the necessary steps to protect your mind and emotions. It’s important that you separate your reality from their fantasy and in the end, it will help you determine to either end the relationship or at least keep you from totally losing yourself while in it.

Post Pandemic Mental Health Struggles

Post Pandemic Mental Health Struggles

Over the last year we have all been through collective trauma dealing with the global pandemic.

Many of us went through stressful moments with the lockdown bringing isolation for some, loss of income for others and increased anxiety, depression and substance use for others. Some of us have gotten sick or even worse, lost friends, family members or coworkers.

Now that there are vaccinations and restrictions are starting to lift in certain areas, you may think that everyone is feeling better, a sense of relief or hope, but that is simply not true for some individuals.

A lot of people are ecstatic about being able to gather with their family and friends without masks. Those who were working from home are excited about going back into the office and socializing face to face with their coworkers. Those who were feeling down or anxious are starting to feel their mood brighten, but for some , they are still struggling with the affects of this collective trauma. They may still be feeling down or anxious and some have reason to be. Just this weekend I was talking to a friend who had recently attended the funeral of his uncle who died from the virus a week prior. He, understandably still has some anxiety about the world reopening although he himself is vaccinated.

Healing from this collective trauma will take more time for some people and what will help is being in tune with ourselves and focusing on what we can control versus what we can’t. We have to find out what works for us to ease our anxiety and make us feel better.

For some people that may mean having a digital detox, limiting how much news they intake, exercising or focusing on better sleep hygiene.

It’s Okay to Say That You’re Not Okay

Over the weekend I had a long conservation with someone I go to the gym with about his struggles with mental illness, depression and even suicidal thoughts. We talked about how he joined the gym as soon as it reopened as a way to cope with some of the depression and negative thoughts he had been battling since before the pandemic, but had grown even more so during the pandemic.

Halfway through our conversation he told me that it felt good to have someone to talk to without feeling like he was being judged. Although I was glad to be there for him, I felt sad that he felt like he didn’t have anyone else he could open up to.

Nowadays there is so much assess to mental health help and actionable information through things like Google’s self-assessments, that it is my hope that everyone who needs help will assess it and realize that they are not alone.

A lot of people who were anxious, lonely or depressed before the pandemic, grew more anxious, lonely or depressed during the pandemic and will continue to have those uneasy feelings and thoughts even when the people and world around them returns to normalcy.

It’s important that we look out for our family members and friends who may not be as excited or comfortable with the transition out of the pandemic. For some of them, a return to normality is a return to battling their mental health issues.

Letting the Dead Die this Easter (2021)

Nine years ago, I wrote a post entitled Letting the Dead Die this Easter and since it was so long ago, I thought I’d rewrite and expand on it since a lot has happened over those nine years.

Holding on to Dead Stuff

One of the reasons we get cheated out of living our best lives is that we tend to hold on to too much dead stuff. Dead relationships, dead jobs and dead dreams for example.

This Easter, the resurrection, no matter what religion (or no religion) you believe in, can have significant meaning for all of us. Perhaps you are married to something that is dead or holding on to a dream that is dead. Too many of us are holding on to death while trying to live.

Letting Dreams Die

Many of us have dreams that need to die. It’s not the most pleasant thought, but holding on to a dream that will never come to fruition holds us back from realizing the dreams that can and have already come true. It can’t happen until you let that dream die. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have dreams or fight for those dreams, even when they seem impossible, but sometimes we have to readjust the way expect that dream to come true.

For example, I have a client in his early fifties who has always dreamed of living in foreign exotic countries. He thinks about it pretty much every day and gets depressed when he realizes he’s not currently living that dream. At this moment, for him living that dream isn’t really practical. He has family obligations that are keeping him anchored in one place. My advice to him was to stop dwelling on the fact that he wasn’t currently living his dream because he was missing out on the beautiful life he has right in front of him. I told him he could still travel to and take vacations to those places and even study the languages of the places he wants to live. This particular dream doesn’t to die, but he does have to let go of the idea that it’s going to happen today or exactly how he had imagined it.

Another example is that some people say that they want to be doctors or lawyers, but they don’t like to read and they hate school so they are currently doing other jobs that don’t require much education and are still saying that they want to be doctors and lawyers. Of course if they decided they really wanted to apply themselves, thy could be whatever they wanted to be, but the reality is, they don’t want to be doctors and lawyers bad enough to make the sacrifices. They need to let those dreams go and create more realistic dreams based on the things that they enjoy doing, value and are willing to work hard to make come true. Otherwise they’re going to continue to be stuck doing menial, unsatisfying jobs while telling everyone around them they want they plan on being a doctor or lawyers.

Letting Relationships Die

A new great romantic relationship can’t happen until you let your old relationship die. You’re tied to something dead. Since I wrote this in 2012, I’ve had to let several relationships die. One was with someone I’d dated in high school and into my early adult years. After we broke up we remained friends, but it wasn’t a healthy friendship, it was almost parasitic on her part and it damaged and threatened any new relationship I tried to have with another woman. As much as it hurt, I had to let that relationship die if I wanted to have the chance of building something with someone more compatible.

A year later I did meet someone great, but that relationship also turned toxic and as much as I wanted it to work out eventually things go so bad that I knew I had to let that relationship go and force it to die. It was hard, just like letting any relationship or dream die because I saw so much good potential in it, but the reality was the bad outweighed the good and I would just get dragged through the mood trying to hold on to that potential.

More recently, I had to let a friendship go. I was friends with someone and we were just growing in totally different directions. I try to be healthy and workout and he likes to smoke and drink all day while partying all night. We started to have less and less in common and it got to the point were I dreaded hanging out with him. I found myself canceling plans we made or if I didn’t cancel I was glancing at my watch the whole time waiting for our evening to be over. He isn’t a bad guy, or even a bad friend, but in my opinion, he brought no added value or joy to my life. I could think of a dozen things I’d rather to doing then hanging out with him including doing nothing at all. I was forcing myself to be in a friendship I should just let die and by letting it die, I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulder and like I had got back just a little more time to do the things I enjoy doing.

Letting Jobs Die

I know a lot of people who waste years at dead end jobs. Jobs that they hate, jobs that don’t utilize their talent, creativity or intelligence. They just show up, some for decades and they’re not happy, but they’re not miserable enough to leave. Working in a correctional setting I have met guards who hate their jobs, feel like they’re basically baby sitting adults and yet they will come show up for the next 20 years so they can retire and they will complain about it for the next 20 years. I personally can’t leave like that. i’ve definitely been in jobs I should have left long before I did and there’s many reasons behind that, but for me, the biggest reason is fear of the unknown. Your current dead end job may be comfortable, even if it’s not stimulating or making you happy. Your dream job may require taking more of a risk, learning something new, putting yourself out there where you don’t know if you’ll fail or not. So it’s safe to stay at your dead end job, even if it’s slowly killing you inside.

Your dream job might be right around the corner, but it’s hard if not impossible to get to it if you are holding on to your dead job.

What’s in Your Life that Needs to Die?

This Easter, and periodically afterwards, I want you to examine what is it in your life that needs to die. Perhaps you need to let some guilt die, fear die or something from your past you’re still holding on to… let it die.

Maybe it’s a fantasy. Maybe you’re holding out for the perfect person and you’re missing so many other terrific people because you won’t let that fantasy die. This Easter is all about resurrection. Let what is dead go so that you can make room in your life for everything that is waiting to be raised.

Easter represents the the new life we all can find by living in the truth. Let what needs to die die so that this Easter Sunday, and everyday forward, you can be free to be all you were meant and born to be.

Overcoming Suffering While Incarcerated

Overcoming Suffering While Incarcerated

Working in a correctional setting, I often find myself reciting my favorite quote by Viktor Frankl; “To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in the suffering.” The reason this quote appears to have such relevance when dealing with incarcerated people is that many of them see themselves as suffering. They are imprisoned, away from their families and often facing uncertain futures. Many become depressed, anxious, hopeless and unfortunately, suicidal.

When  I speak with inmates who see themselves and their situation as depressing and bleak, I remind them that yes, they may feel like they are suffering, but that is life. A large part of life for most people includes a great deal of suffering. There is joy, and there is pain. I remind them that they are not the only ones suffering. They are incarcerated with hundreds of other individuals going through similar situations and millions of people around the world who are going through their own struggles.

I encourage them to accept the reality of it. Learn from it. Figure out how to use this suffering to become a better, stronger person instead of dwelling on it and allowing it to punish you even more.

There is a popular saying in prisons that goes, “Do time, don’t let time do you”, which means to use your time incarcerated to better yourself, to live life even in the bleakest circumstances and to not just be miserable and unhappy counting down the months, years or even decades until you are released (if ever). Have something to look forward to and remember that suffering doesn’t have to last forever. This situation doesn’t have to be permanent. People find ways to live good, happy lives even while imprisoned for life.

I ask every inmate I evaluate, “What do you have to live for? What are you looking forward to?”  I want to know what will motivate them to not only survive the stressful environment of being in incarcerated, but also what will give them something to hold on to when they start struggling with depressing and negative thoughts.

Many will say they have kids to live for, or they’re young and have their whole lives ahead of them, or their family or goals they want to accomplish. These individuals tend to be much less likely to both get in more trouble while incarcerated as well as are less likely to attempt suicide compared to those who struggle with or can’t find a reason to live.

Lastly, I also try to help inmates to stop seeing themselves as victims. Many inmates think that they are being punished unjustly, or they keep getting arrested because they have bad luck. They blame the system, their friends, society. These inmates are more likely to deal with depression, suicidal thoughts and to become repeat offenders.

Instead, I try to help them see that things happen for them, not to them. Yes they got arrested and it sucks, but maybe this is going to save their lives by getting them off drugs, stop them from associated with that criminal element, teach them that they really do need anger management classes or that they really need to take their psychotropic medications. Hopefully this experience will help them reexamine their lives and make better choices.

When people see things as happening for them, instead of to them, they do time better, easier and even happier. They become inmate workers, earn GEDs and even college degrees while incarcerated. They tend not to look like the typical depressed, angry, bitter inmates that I encounter far to often.

The things I try to teach these inmates are invaluable to helping them survive being incarcerated and they can use it when they are released to hopefully live better lives and to not come back. It can also help all of us understand that we’re not special, things happen, life sometimes sucks, don’t take it personal, don’t dwell on it, learn from it and grow from it. It’s when we get stuck feeling down, victimized, hopeless, worthless and negative that we stop fully living life and start suffering though life. That’s when we start living in a prison of our own construction regardless of if we are incarcerated or not.

Get In To The Habit Of Asking Yourself: “Does This Support The Life I’m Trying To Create?”

Get In To The Habit Of Asking Yourself: “Does This Support The Life I’m Trying To Create?”

We create the lives we want by the things we think, the things we do, how we spend our time and the people we spend our time with.

The problem is, many of us mindlessly do things and spend time with people that do not support the life we are trying to create. We say we want to raise our standards and make positive changes in our lives, but our habits show otherwise.

This is a very common theme with the inmates I work with in the jail. I see some of the same inmates re-incarcerated over and over again. Many of them are generally good, caring and intelligent individuals who could do anything they set their minds to.

They have goals and dreams that don’t include being behind bars, yet when they get released from jail they tend to go back to the same neighborhood, hang around the same people and end up doing the same things that landed them in jail to begin with.

They are holding themselves back, just as many of us are holding ourselves back by wasting time and energy doing things and associating with people who are not going to get us to the lives we want for ourselves.

We may be in relationships with partners who don’t believe in us, don’t support our goals and dreams or worst, attempt to sabotage our goals rather it be weight-loss goals, financial goals or our happiness.

We may be at jobs that don’t offer room to grow, that doesn’t offer training courses for professional improvement and career advancement or simply requires so much of our time and energy that at the end of the day we have none left for much of anything else, let alone to pursue our passions and talents.

There are countless ways we can be in situations that are not supportive of what we are trying to create for ourselves. It’s real easy to get stuck situations and habits without thinking much about it, which is why I think it’s important for us to take a step back from time to time and become mindful about what we are doing and to remember what is it we really want.

So get into the habit of asking yourself, especially when you get that gut feeling or you know deep down you shouldn’t be doing something (i.e., going out drinking when you should be home studying): “Does this support the life I’m trying to create”.

At least once a week, get into the habit of taking a quick inventory of your life. It doesn’t have to take a long time or be complicated, but check in with yourself:

  1. How is my life going? (take a quick look at all the important areas of your life and how satisfied you are in those areas)
  2. Make a note of the areas that need adjustment (areas where you are not so satisfied) and then commit to making changes in those areas.
  3.  Get to work making changes in those areas and repeat this check in again in a week or so. Little adjustments add up to big changes and you will realize you’ll start living more mindfully and intentional in creating the life you want and deserve.

Why Being Ghosted Hurts

Why Being Ghosted Hurts

The term “ghosting” refers to when someone you believe cares about or is at least interested in you, suddenly stops contacting you or responding to your efforts to reach out to them. It could be someone you’ve been on a few dates with, talked to everyday for the last couple of weeks through texting or even someone you considered to be a potential serious partner.

Ghosting can happen gradually, such as messages and phone calls becoming less and less frequent, or most commonly ghosting can happen suddenly with the person appearing to have simply dropped off the face of the Earth and vanished as the term implies.

Although the term may be new, ghosting itself is definitely not. People have been getting ghosted probably since the beginning of time, but with more people meeting and connecting online, it’s become easier to ghost other people, therefore, increasing the odds that you will get ghosted.

With more people meeting online and more people caring out a large part of their relationships online and through messaging, ghosting people today doesn’t have the same social consequences it used to have. If you ghost someone today, it’s less likely that you share a lot of the same friends and social connections, so disappearing on them doesn’t impact other parts of your world.

Being Ghosted Usually Isn’t About you

When have invested your time, energy and emotions into another person and then they suddenly drop out of your life, it can be very puzzling and even devastating, especially to those who already have self-esteem problems.

However, people tend to ghost other people because of their own emotional discomfort, lack of emotional intelligence and inability to communicate. They rarely think about how it will make the other person feel which is why ghosting can come off as a very selfish, cold and narcissistic act.

People often ghost when they don’t know how to say what they want so they just disappear because to them that is easier than having the conversation. Many times people get scared in a relationship so they leave or they may not think it is that serious so they don’t feel like they owe the other person anything, especially an explanation to why they are no longer interested. Definitely as I stated before, the online dating culture where we have less real life social connections, makes it easier to just stop communicating without giving any type of closure to the other person.

Men are notorious for ghosting, but it happens to us to. The more someone has been ghosted, the more likely they are to ghost someone in return. I’ve been ghosted a couple of times and it has always taken me by surprise because I thought the other person and I had a relationship where we would at least be friends, and then they were gone.

How Does it Feel To Be Ghosted?

If you have never been ghosted before, and I hope you never will be, I can tell you from my experience that it initially left me in shock and disbelief. I was angry because I felt like I had a great connection with someone. It was as if they had died, but they hadn’t. It was very painful and made me feel disrespected as if I wasn’t even good enough to have the conversation with. It made me feel disposable, especially the second time it happened. I feel like I could never just disappear on a person I supposedly cared about, so it made me question how could people do that to me? What was it about me that made me not worth even giving closure to? It felt like torture, being unsure of exactly what happened to both the relationship and the person. Of course you get over it and move on, but only after you gather yourself up off the floor.

Why Does Being Ghosted Hurt So Bad?

For some people, being ghosted may not hurt very much. They may be able to let go and move on easier than other people. They may understand that in this day and age, people tend to be less attached and see ghosting as a byproduct of dating.

For most people, being ghosting hurts. It feels disrespectful and creates questions and doubts about themselves and relationships.

Ghosting hurts because it’s a form of social rejection that triggers emotional pain. It hurts because it’s the ultimate silent treatment and in relationships, the silent treatment is considered emotional abuse. It hurts because it’s a passive-aggressive act that is psychologically and emotionally cruel. It hurts because we typically don’t see it common. It’s as if the rug were pulled from under our feet.

As I said in the beginning of this post, being ghosted has nothing to do with you. What it tells you is that the other person is too immature to have a mature healthy relationship and that they don’t know how to deal with their own emotions, or yours… or even worse, are too narcissistic, immature or selfish to care about your feelings. In any case, they are not someone you want to be in a relationship with. Do not allow being ghosted to make you question your worthiness or become jaded when it comes to relationships.It’s not about you, no matter how personal it may feel.

Parenting Your Inner Child

Parenting Your Inner Child

Most of us think we are adults because we have reach a certain chronological age, but psychologically , we are often pseudo adults. We are children in adult bodies, trying to do adult things. I think this may in part be where the term “adulting” comes from. We may be 35 physically, but deep inside of us is a five year old trying to navigate through adult life, attempting to maintain relationships and cope with adult stress. Every now and then the pressure becomes too much and our inner child is forced to make their needs and fears known.

What Is An Inner Child?

Inside of all of us there is a part that is frozen in time, stuck in the past. As therapists, especially those of us who deal with trauma, we call that part of us our inner child. Everyone has an inner child (at least one), but we experience our inner child in different ways.

Some of us have an inner child that is relatively well-behaved and quiet. He or she may be barely noticeable and only make their needs, concerns and fears known subtly and infrequently. It could be the anxiety we feel whenever we are talking to our boss, or the explainable way we suddenly feel small and unsure of ourselves when we have to give a presentation.

Others have an inner child that is more boisterous. He or she may make themselves known often and show up as a temper tantrum when we are frustrated with our partner (sometimes complete with yelling and throwing things), shutting down when we can’t find the words to express ourselves or a panic attack at the thought of being alone if our relationship fails.

Many of the destructive behaviors we have in our adult lives from infantile neediness, fear of abandonment and dependency to self-sabotaging behaviors, impulsivity and irresponsibility can be attributed to our inner child.

Why We Ignore Our Inner Child

Society tells us that when we become adults, we put away childish things. We are forced to ignore our inner child, the good and the bad. Our inner child not only holds our childhood hurts, traumas, fears and angers, but it also holds our innocence, awe, playfulness, sensitivity and wonder.

Remember the things you loved in childhood, the things that made you happy? When adults would ask you what you wanted to grow up to be maybe you said a pilot or an artist. As we grow up, most of us end up going into jobs and careers that have nothing to do with what made us happy or what we wanted to do as children, in large part because many of us were told that those dreams were childish and we needed realistic, more “adult” goals.

One way or another, we were taught to ignore our inner child almost completely which is why most adults are unaware of this unconscious part of them that sometimes throws their lives off balance seemingly out of the blue.

Because most adults are unaware of this inner child, they do not know how to meet his or her needs. This unawareness is what allows the inner child to take over and sometimes ruin relationships or cause us to act in ways that as adults, we know we shouldn’t.

In order to address our inner child and meet their needs appropriately, we have to first acknowledge and accept that he or she exist, and then take responsibility for parenting and loving our inner child.

When we are inattentive or neglectful to our inner child, we may find ourselves in situations where we are unconsciously looking to fill his or her needs through other people. We are basically asking someone else to parent our inner child and that can come in the form of dependency, toxic relationships and even substance abuse.

Our inner child most likely is looking for something he or she felt neglected of when we were children and as adults we can’t expect our parents or anyone else to go back and fix that. We have to do it. We have to attend to the needs of our inner child through love and support as well as set up boundaries and structure just like a parent would with a physical child.

Having a symbiotic relationship with our inner child will allow us to meet their needs in ways that are mutually beneficial to our adult side as well, instead of meeting their needs through ways that are inappropriate, impulsive and childish.

Explore your inner-child. Get to know them. Listen to them and find out what he or she needs.

Don’t Be Afraid of Being a Beginner

Don’t Be Afraid of Being a Beginner

Many people I know allow the fear of looking awkward or silly prevent them from trying something new. It could be anything from karaoke to going to their first yoga class. Just the thought of failing or looking like they have no clue what they are doing is enough to prevent them from ever trying things they have dreamt about doing.

Remember when you first learned to walk or ride a bike? You probably don’t because it’s quite natural to you now, but if you see any old videos of yourself you would see how unbalanced you were and how many times you fell, but never gave up. That’s what it is like trying something new. We can’t let the fear of looking stupid, like we don’t know what we are doing or even failing, rob us of the joy mastering (or at least being competent) in that area will bring.

Recently I started training in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and one of the hardest things I have done so far was to walk through that door and start my first class. I had so much anxiety about it and most of my anxieties revolved around how silly I would look attempting to perform exercises and maneuvers I had never performed In my life.

I was worried about my conditioning because while I consider myself to be in somewhat decent shape, I knew I was not in the type of shape I thought I needed to be in for Jiu Jitsu. I was mostly worried about my conditioning (or lack thereof). I go to the gym often and lift weights, but I rarely do aerobic activity. I also knew that I could find a thousand excuses to keep putting off starting the class if I didn’t push myself to go despite those anxieties.

During my first few classes, I was really self-conscious and compared myself to the rest of the class. Most of the other guys were in better shape, quicker and more coordinated. I did feel like an awkward gorilla when we did many of the warm up exercises that required flexibility I didn’t have and left me sucking in air before the class even really begun. All of that started pushing doubt and excuses in my mind. “You’re too out of shape”, my inner critic said, “You’re too old, too tired, too busy” it added.

I live in my head, which isn’t always a good thing if you can’t master it. I had to quickly get out of my head. I did this by reminding myself that I was a beginner and it was okay to look and feel like a beginner.

I had to tell myself that it was okay if I looked and felt awkward during the exercises, if I couldn’t perform some moves right, if at all. I told myself that it was okay if I got gassed during class and had to take a break. I was a beginner, and if there is ever a time to look awkward while trying your best, it’s when you’re a beginner.

Instead of being worried about being a beginner take advantage of it, embrace it.

When I started focusing more on myself and not on the other people in class things became easier. I had taken the pressure off of myself to be better than I reasonably could be. I pushed myself of course, but took breaks when I needed to and learned to be unapologetic about it (by the way, no one ever made me feel bad about having to take a breather). I modified moves I couldn’t do until I could do them instead of getting upset, hurting myself or giving up out of frustration.

I worked on not caring about other people’s opinions.

So what if other guys in the class made fun of me or snickered about how this middle aged, muscular but uncoordinated guy flopped around class like a fish out of water. They weren’t paying for my classes, I was. They weren’t in my shoes. We all have different lives and different goals. While some guys were there to someday compete for medals, I was there to get in shape and learn a martial art I had been curious about for over a decade. While some guys live to train, I have a full-time, stressful job, commute 144 miles to and from work each day and have a family to divide my time with. Our goals and drives are completely different, and that’s okay.

Once I got out of my own head, allowed myself to be a beginner and stopped being concerned about what other people may think about me, things became fun! It helps that most people who train Jiu Jitsu seem to be non-judgmental and encouraging. You’ll hear them say, “We all started at the same point, don’t give up, just keep showing up”.

I don’t think anyone ever looked at me and thought about how awkward I looked or how much my conditioning sucked. It was all in my head. Once I got out of my head and really focused on being mindful and present in the moment, I quickly realized I very rarely even thought about my weight, my clumsiness or my fitness level that much. As a matter of fact, Jiu Jitsu class became one of the few places I didn’t think too much about those things or other life problems at all. It became a stress reliever.

I’m still extremely new in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and in every class I am learning something new and attempting to perform it for the first time. I am still a beginner and I allow myself to be a beginner, unapologetic ally.