Why Kids Fall Apart After School

18 Aug 2026by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

As the father of an eighth grader and a third grader, I’ve experienced this phenomena firsthand. I’ve often been perplexed when I pick up my child and their teacher tells me they had a great day. They followed directions, completed their work, and got along well with the other children.

But shortly after we arrive home, they become irritable, argue about everything, or refuse simple requests. Sometimes my third grader ends up crying over something that seems incredibly small.

As a parent, naturally, I wondered: If they can control themselves at school, why can’t they control themselves at home?

It’s easy to interpret this behavior as disrespect, manipulation, or a lack of discipline. Sometimes children do need correction and consequences. But the child who falls apart after school may not be deliberately giving you a hard time.

They may have simply run out of the energy required to hold themselves together.

Keeping It Together Takes Work

A school day asks a lot from a child.

They must wake up on time, get dressed, leave the comfort of home, transition between activities, follow instructions, sit when they would rather move, manage distractions, complete difficult work, and navigate relationships with teachers and other children.

They may have to tolerate a noisy cafeteria, crowded hallways, uncomfortable clothing, unexpected schedule changes, teasing, disappointment, boredom, or the anxiety of being called on when they don’t know the answer.

Throughout the day, they are constantly adjusting their behavior.

Wait your turn.

Raise your hand.

Keep your hands to yourself.

Pay attention.

Walk in a straight line.

Use an inside voice.

Finish your work.

For many children, especially those with anxiety, ADHD, autism, learning difficulties, or sensory sensitivities, meeting all these expectations requires tremendous effort. Some children work so hard to manage their emotions and behavior at school that they have very little emotional energy left by the time they get home.

The pattern is sometimes called after-school restraint collapse. It isn’t a formal diagnosis. It is simply a way of describing what can happen when a child spends the day containing their feelings and then releases them in a place that feels safe.

Why Does It Happen at Home?

Parents sometimes feel insulted when their child behaves better for teachers, coaches, relatives, or other adults.

“I’m the one doing everything for this child, and I get the worst behavior.”

That frustration is understandable. You’ve worked all day too. You may be tired, hungry, overstimulated, and trying to manage dinner, homework, household responsibilities, and several competing demands.

But your child may fall apart around you precisely because home feels safer.

At school, there are social consequences for losing control. At home, your child knows consciously or not, that your relationship can survive their difficult feelings. They may trust that you will still love them when they are loud, tearful, unreasonable, or overwhelmed.

That doesn’t make hurtful or destructive behavior acceptable. Feeling safe is not permission to mistreat the family.

It does, however, give us a different way to understand what is happening.

Instead of immediately asking, “How do I stop this behavior?” we can also ask, “What is this behavior communicating?”

Sometimes the Problem Is Surprisingly Ordinary

Before assuming your child is being defiant, consider what condition they are in when they walk through the door.

They may be hungry.

They may be dehydrated.

They may be tired from sitting, concentrating, socializing, and following directions all day.

They may need movement after being physically restricted.

They may need quiet after several hours of noise.

They may be disappointed about something that happened with a friend but unable to explain it yet.

They may simply need a few minutes in which nobody asks them to do anything.

Adults often need a transition period after work. We may sit in the car for a few extra minutes, change clothes, scroll through our phones, take a shower, exercise, or watch television before we are ready to engage with the next part of the day.

Children need transitions too. They just don’t always know how to create them for themselves.

Connection Before Questions

One of the first things many parents ask at pickup is, “How was school?”

Usually, the response is “Fine,” “Good,” or “I don’t know.”

Then we start asking more questions.

“What did you learn?”

“Do you have homework?”

“What happened with your friend?”

“Why didn’t you eat your lunch?”

“Did you remember to turn in that paper?”

Our intentions are good. We are trying to stay involved. But to an exhausted child, those questions can feel like one more set of demands.

Try beginning with connection instead.

“I’m glad to see you.”

“You look tired. Let’s get you something to eat.”

“You don’t have to tell me about your day right now.”

Some children talk best during the car ride. Others open up while eating, drawing, playing, walking, or getting ready for bed. An invitation to talk is often more effective than an interrogation.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention encourages parents to maintain open communication and positive connections with their children. Connection gives children a place to bring their experiences when they are ready, not necessarily the moment they enter the car. (CDC).

Create an After-School Landing Routine

A consistent decompression period may reduce some of the conflict that occurs after school. It doesn’t need to be elaborate.

Your child’s landing routine might include:

A snack and water
Fifteen to thirty minutes without questions
Changing into comfortable clothes
Quiet time in their room
Music, drawing, or reading
Outdoor play or physical movement
Sitting with a parent without having to talk
A predictable time when homework will begin

Different children need different things. One child may need to run outside. Another may need silence. A teenager may want privacy before joining the family.

The goal isn’t to eliminate expectations. Homework still needs to be completed. Chores may still need to be done. Disrespectful behavior still needs to be addressed.

The goal is to stop demanding immediate performance from a child whose emotional resources may already be depleted.

Predictable routines can help children feel more secure, particularly during transitions and stressful periods. (CDC)

Regulate First, Correct Later

When a child is in the middle of a meltdown, that usually isn’t the best time for a lecture.

You can maintain the boundary without trying to teach the entire lesson at that moment.

“I can see that you’re upset. You still cannot hit your brother.”

“You don’t have to talk right now, but you cannot speak to me that way.”

“We’ll discuss what happened when you’re calmer.”

Keep your voice steady and use fewer words. If possible, reduce stimulation and give the child space to settle. The American Academy of Pediatrics similarly advises parents to remain calm and avoid lengthy lectures while a child is overwhelmed. (HealthyChildren.org).

Later, when everyone is calmer, return to the behavior.

Ask what happened. Name the feeling. Restate the limit. Help the child identify what they can do differently next time.

Understanding a behavior is not the same as excusing it. We can be compassionate about the reason and still hold children responsible for how they treat other people.

Look for Patterns

An occasional difficult afternoon is part of family life. Not every meltdown is evidence of a deeper problem.

But pay attention when the pattern becomes frequent, intense, or disruptive.

Ask yourself:

Does this happen every school day or only on certain days?
Is it worse when my child hasn’t eaten or slept well?
Does it happen after a particular class or activity?
Is my child struggling academically?
Has something changed in their friendships?
Are they being bullied, excluded, or embarrassed?
Are they working unusually hard to hide anxiety or attention difficulties at school?
Does the behavior also occur on weekends and during school breaks?

Talk with the teacher and compare what each of you is seeing. A child may appear fine at school while using enormous effort to maintain that appearance. In other situations, the teacher may have noticed signs of frustration, withdrawal, distraction, or social difficulty that haven’t yet been communicated.

If the behavior is severe, persistent, getting worse, or interfering with your child’s functioning, consider speaking with their pediatrician, school counselor, or a licensed mental-health professional. Early help can make problems easier to understand and address. (CDC)

Parents Need a Landing Routine Too

There is another person in this situation whose nervous system matters: yours.

If you arrive at pickup already stressed, every complaint may sound like ingratitude. Every delay may feel like defiance. Your child’s dysregulation can quickly activate your own.

Then two exhausted people begin demanding that the other one calm down.

Before responding, take a breath. Lower your voice. Remind yourself that you don’t have to solve the entire problem in the first five minutes.

You can be firm without becoming harsh. You can offer comfort without surrendering the boundary. You can take your child’s feelings seriously without treating every feeling as an emergency.

None of this means parents must remain perfectly calm. We are human. Sometimes we will react badly, raise our voices, or realize that we misunderstood what our child needed.

When that happens, we can repair it.

“I was frustrated, but I shouldn’t have yelled.”

“Let’s try that conversation again.”

That teaches children something important too.

Home Can Be Both Safe and Respectful

The child who falls apart after school may not need a harsher punishment. They may need food, movement, quiet, connection, clearer routines, or help making sense of what they have been carrying all day.

They may also need boundaries.

Those things are not opposites.

A healthy home can be a place where children are allowed to have difficult feelings without being allowed to hurt other people. It can be a place where parents look beneath behavior while still expecting accountability.

So, the next time the teacher describes your child as delightful and that delightful child melts down in your kitchen twenty minutes later, pause before concluding that they saved their worst behavior for you.

Maybe they saved their most exhausted, unguarded self for the place where they feel safest.

That doesn’t make the afternoon easy.

But understanding what is happening may help you respond to the child in front of you and not simply react to the behavior coming from them.

Touch Starved: When Affection Starts to Feel Like Oxygen

27 Apr 2026by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

Recently, someone showed me a little attention, and it affected me more than it should have. It was as if I were drowning and someone had thrown me a life raft. It felt unbelievably good.

That’s what made me pause. Because I realized it wasn’t really about them. It was about how long I had been going without that feeling.

There’s a kind of loneliness that doesn’t come from being alone. It comes from being next to someone and still feeling untouched. Not just physically, but emotionally. Life was moving, responsibilities were getting handled, the relationship was still there on paper, but something important had gone quiet.

There’s a difference between being in a relationship and feeling connected in one. And when that connection fades, it usually doesn’t happen all at once. It’s gradual. Subtle. Easy to miss.

I didn’t fully understand how much I felt it until I experienced a small moment of connection. Nothing major. Just conversation, warmth, a few kind words. But it lingered longer than expected. Not because of what was said, but because of how it made me feel. It felt like I was finally being seen again.

And if I’m being honest, that realization was uncomfortable, almost painful. Because it made me question what I had been accepting for longer than I wanted to admit.

That’s when I had to ask myself a real question: why did something so small feel like so much?

I was reading Seven Days in June when the concept of being “touch starved” came up. I hadn’t heard the term before, but I recognized the feeling immediately.

The more I sat with it, the more I realized it wasn’t just about physical touch. It was about connection. Feeling seen. Chosen. Acknowledged.

We’re wired for that. Our nervous system responds to it. It helps regulate us. It creates a sense of safety and grounding.

When that connection is missing, especially in a place where it used to exist, you don’t just ignore it. You adapt to it. And over time, that absence starts to show up in how you respond to the world around you.

A compliment feels deeper than expected. A smile lingers. Someone taking interest in you feels disproportionate to the moment.

And here’s the part we don’t always recognize: that intensity isn’t always about the person. Sometimes it’s about the deficit.

When you’ve been running on empty, even a small emotional deposit can feel like a flood. If you’re not careful, you can start chasing the feeling instead of understanding the need behind it. I could feel that pull in real time, and that’s what made me slow down.

That’s where things can get complicated.

You might start assigning meaning where there is none. Confusing attention for connection. Leaning into something simply because it feels good to be noticed again. The pull makes sense, but without awareness, it can lead you somewhere you didn’t intend to go.

A lot of people assume this kind of disconnection comes from neglect. Sometimes it does. But often it’s quieter than that. Stress. Work. Kids. Unspoken tension. Emotional fatigue.

Over time, without anyone making a conscious decision, the relationship shifts. It still functions. But the closeness fades. The small touches. The check-ins. The softness.

Eventually, you look up and realize something that used to feel natural now feels absent.

And now there’s another layer to this.

People aren’t just turning to other people when they feel disconnected. They’re turning to AI.

I heard a news story the other day about a man who became emotionally attached to an AI chatbot. Not because he was trying to replace his relationship, but because the chatbot was giving him something he hadn’t experienced in a long time from his wife: responsiveness, encouragement, warmth.

It noticed him. It responded consistently. It didn’t pull away.

And over time, that started to matter.

If you think about it, it makes sense. Human connection can be inconsistent. People get overwhelmed. They miss things. They disconnect.

AI doesn’t.

It responds. It engages. It affirms. And for someone who has been feeling unseen, that consistency can feel incredibly grounding.

But it’s important to be clear about something: comforting isn’t the same as connection.

AI can simulate presence, but it can’t truly know you. It doesn’t share life with you. It doesn’t grow with you.

The issue isn’t using AI. The issue is when it becomes the primary place you go to feel seen or valued. At that point, it’s no longer just a tool. It’s filling a role.

And if that role starts to feel more fulfilling than your actual relationship, that’s not just about technology. That’s information.

It points to something that hasn’t been nurtured. Either within the relationship, or within yourself.

So what do we do with that?

First, we name it. Without judgment. The need for connection isn’t weakness. It’s human.

Second, we check the source. Is it about the person, or about what they’re giving you that’s been missing?

Third, we communicate, when possible. Not from blame, but from awareness. Saying “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I miss feeling close to you” creates space for repair instead of defensiveness.

There’s another part of this that doesn’t get talked about enough.

What happens when you do speak up… and nothing really changes?

You bring it up calmly. You try to explain it without blaming. You say you’ve been feeling disconnected. You say you miss the closeness.

And maybe your partner hears you.

Maybe they even respond in the moment.

But over time, things fall back into the same pattern.

That’s a different kind of frustration.

Because now it’s not just about feeling disconnected. It’s about feeling unheard. And that can be even more isolating than the distance itself.

At that point, the question shifts.

It’s no longer just, “What am I missing?”

It becomes, “What am I willing to continue living without?”

That’s not an easy question.

Because staying means learning how to cope with the absence of something you need.
But leaving, or even seriously confronting the reality of the relationship, comes with its own weight.

And this is where a lot of people get stuck.

Not because they don’t see the problem.
But because they don’t know what to do with the truth once they see it clearly.

So they adapt.

They lower expectations.
They stop asking.
They try to convince themselves it’s “not that important.”

But the need doesn’t go away.

It just finds other ways to surface.

Sometimes through distraction.
Sometimes through emotional distance.
Sometimes through being more responsive than expected when someone else shows a little attention.

This is often how emotional lines get crossed without anyone intending for them to.

And that’s where it all connects.

The moment that felt “too big” earlier…
wasn’t random.

It was connected to something that never got resolved.

Fourth, we become intentional about rebuilding connection. Not just physically, but emotionally. Presence. Attention. Consistency.

Reconnection doesn’t always have to start with your partner. Sometimes it starts with allowing yourself to be seen by safe, appropriate people in your life again.

And finally, we stay grounded in ourselves. External connection matters, but it can’t be the only thing regulating how we feel. When it is, anything that provides temporary relief starts to carry more weight than it should.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel close. To feel seen. To feel desired.

But it’s important to understand why something small can feel like life saving oxygen.

Sometimes it’s not about the moment.

It’s about what’s been missing for a long time.

And in a world where connection is easier to simulate than ever, we have to be intentional about the kind of connection we’re actually choosing.

Because the goal isn’t just to feel something.

It’s to feel something real.

Taking Control of Your LIfe

30 Creative Ways to Care for Your Mental Health

4 Sep 2025by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

Resilience isn’t about never breaking. It’s about learning how to piece yourself back together in new and meaningful ways. Sometimes the best medicine for the mind is a spark of creativity. Here are 30 habits you can try, each designed to help you process stress, build confidence, and rediscover joy.

1. Reframe the Story

Instead of “I failed,” try “This was a plot twist that will shape my growth.” Research on cognitive reframing shows it reduces anxiety and fosters resilience.

2. Journal in Metaphors

Describe your day as a storm, a song, or a painting. Metaphors activate creative brain regions, making it easier to process tough emotions.

3. Build a Resilience Playlist

Music therapy studies show that songs tied to positive memory can quickly boost mood. Create a playlist that grounds and uplifts you.

4. Doodle Your Stress

Scribbles, shapes, and sketches can release tension. Neuroscience confirms that drawing reduces cortisol and slows heart rate. You don’t have to be an artist to do this. We are striving for relaxation, not perfection!

5. Take a Wonder Walk

Notice five things you’ve never seen before in a familiar space. This practice sparks awe, which is linked to lower inflammation and greater well-being.

6. Create a Safe Space Corner

A chair, blanket, candle, or plant can become a ritual space for calm. Environmental cues signal the body to shift into rest mode.

7. Write to Your Future Self

Pen a letter from the “you” who already made it through. This technique builds hope and perspective.

8. Turn Pain Into Poetry

Even raw, imperfect lines give language to feelings that otherwise stay trapped. Poetry has been shown to support emotional regulation.

9. Move With Music

Dance or sway freely. Movement plus rhythm lowers stress hormones and stimulates endorphins.

10. Collect Symbols of Strength

Carry a stone, coin, or photo that reminds you of endurance. These small anchors create psychological safety.

11. Sketch Your Problem

Imagine your stress as a cartoon character and exaggerate it. Humor and art reduce its power.

12. Practice Micro-Kindness

Leave a sticky note of encouragement for someone. Altruism improves mood and lowers depression risk.

13. Change Your Scenery

A simple shift: working in sunlight, moving your desk, refreshes perspective and motivation.

14. Use Colors for Emotions

Assign a color to sadness, joy, or anger. Express it through paint, collage, or clothing choice.

15. Tell Your Story Out Loud

Sharing experiences with trusted listeners validates feelings and prevents isolation.

16. Rewrite Your Ending

When painful memories replay, imagine a new outcome where you stand strong. Visualization rewires emotional memory.

17. Plant Something

Watching a seed grow offers proof that small actions create change. Gardening is linked to lower depression and higher life satisfaction.

18. Cook a New Recipe

Trying new flavors engages the senses and builds confidence through mastery.

19. Make a Ritual

Light a candle before journaling, stretch before bed, or sip tea before work. Rituals signal the brain that it’s safe to rest or focus.

20. Visualize a Mentor

Imagine advice from a supportive figure, real or imagined. Guided imagery boosts confidence and decision-making.

21. Sing in the Shower

Singing stimulates the vagus nerve, calming the body’s stress response.

22. Try Mindful Photography

Capture textures, patterns, or shadows. Mindful photography builds presence and reduces ruminative thinking.

23. Write a Gratitude Collage

Collect images or words that remind you what still sustains you. Gratitude practices improve sleep and optimism.

24. Celebrate Small Wins

Draw a star on your calendar or treat yourself when you accomplish a step. This fuels motivation through dopamine release.

25. Ask: “If I Couldn’t Fail…”

Creative problem-solving opens new paths. Research shows this mindset reduces learned helplessness.

26. Use Music as Medicine

Match your playlist to your current mood, then shift gradually upward to influence emotional state.

27. Build a Comfort Toolkit

A box with grounding items such as a journal, tea, photos, affirmations, creates instant support on hard days.

28. Tell Stories With Humor

Laugh with a friend about small struggles. Humor strengthens resilience and social connection.

29. Practice Awe Journaling

Write down one moment of awe each day: the sky, a kind gesture, a child’s laugh. Awe increases humility and well-being.

30. Express Gratitude Creatively

Write a thank-you letter in rhyme or record a voice message. Creative gratitude deepens its impact.

Back to School Blues & Breakthroughs: Helping Kids (and Parents) Adjust with Grace

5 Aug 20255 Aug 2025by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

As a parent of a very soon to be second and seventh grader, I know that back-to-school season always brings a mix of emotions, excitement, nerves and even dread for both children and their caregivers. Whether your child is starting kindergarten, entering middle school, or stepping into their final year of high school, transitions like these can stir up anxiety, uncertainty, and behavioral shifts. As a parent, it’s easy to focus on school supplies and schedules, but what’s just as important if not more, is preparing their emotional backpack too.

Let’s talk about how to help our kids adjust while keeping ourselves grounded in the process.

1. Normalize the Nerves

One of the most powerful tools we have is validation. If your child says they’re scared or nervous, resist the urge to talk them out of it. Instead, try saying:

“That makes sense. New things/change can feel a little scary sometimes.”

This lets them know they’re not broken for feeling that way and neither are you.

Try this: Share your own memories of being nervous before a school year started. Even a short story can make them feel seen.

2. Create Gentle Routines Early

Summer often brings late bedtimes, inconsistent meals, and a go-with-the-flow rhythm. I for one am embarrassed to admit that my own kids have had more screen time than what is recommended. While flexibility is beautiful, kids feel safer when they can predict what’s coming. Start reinstating routines a week or two before school starts. Sleep schedules, morning habits, and even simple rituals like “quiet time” after dinner can make the transition smoother.

Bonus tip: Let your child help co-create their new routine. Giving them some control builds confidence.

3. Watch for Anxiety in Disguise

Anxiety doesn’t always look like worry. For younger kids, it might show up as:

Headaches or stomachaches
Irritability or clinginess
Avoiding certain topics (like school)
Trouble sleeping

For older kids, you might see withdrawal, snapping at siblings, or insisting “I’m fine” when they clearly aren’t.

Support tip: Instead of pushing for answers, try inviting them into small moments of connection. Sometimes a walk, a car ride, or a quiet task like folding laundry opens up more space for them to talk.

4. Create Emotional Check-In Rituals

Try implementing a daily check-in: “Highs and lows of the day” at dinner, or a quick feelings chart in the morning. If your child isn’t verbal, encourage them to draw, pick emojis, or use colors to express how they’re doing.

5. Prepare Yourself, Too

Sometimes, it’s our own anxiety that gets stirred up when school starts. Maybe you worry about how your child will adjust, or feel guilt for not being as present as you’d like. Give yourself permission to name your feelings, too. Our kids don’t need perfection, they need presence.

Grounding prompt for you:

“What does my child actually need from me today, and how can I give that to them in a way that honors both of us?”

6. Back-to-School Toolkit

Here are a few practical tools to keep in your emotional toolkit this season:

Breathing exercises: Try “box breathing” together: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 , exhale for 4 , hold for 4.
Mantras: Create a morning mantra together. Something like: “I am safe. I am strong. I can ask for help.”
Visual schedules: For younger kids, visual charts help them know what’s coming and feel more in control.
Reconnection time: After school, try 10 uninterrupted minutes of connection before diving into chores or homework.

Final Thoughts:

Back-to-school season isn’t just about pencils and planners, it’s a major emotional transition. But it can also be a season of growth, resilience, and connection if we approach it with curiosity and compassion. Whether your child is clinging to you at drop-off or giving you one-word answers after school, remember: their behavior is communication. And you’re not alone in figuring it out.

Let’s pack their bags with more than just supplies. Let’s fill them up with reassurance, love, and tools for navigating whatever this school year brings.

If this post resonated with you, feel free to share it with another parent or caregiver. We’re all in this together!

Taking Control of Your LIfe

Emotional Incest: When Parents Treat Their Kids Like Partners

25 Jun 2025by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

There’s a particular kind of wound that doesn’t leave visible scars. It’s not the kind you scream about or even know how to name until years later, usually in therapy or during a quiet moment of reflection. It’s when your parent made you their emotional partner, their rock, their confidant, long before you even knew how to spell the word confidant.

This isn’t about physical or sexual abuse. It’s about a subtle and often invisible boundary being crossed: emotional incest.

It happens when a parent leans too heavily on a child for emotional support, validation, or companionship in a way that disrupts that child’s development.

And the worst part?

To the outside world, it looks like love.

What Emotional Incest Looks Like

Your mom tells you everything.
Not just little things. Everything. Her problems at work. Her issues with your dad. Her fears. Her disappointments. She calls you her “best friend” or says, “You’re the only one I can really talk to.”

Or maybe your dad constantly talks about how lonely he is, how he doesn’t know what he’d do without you. He vents to you about his dating life. He needs you to cheer him up, to be strong for him.

It feels like love. It’s closeness.

But it’s not the right kind.

Why It’s So Damaging

Children aren’t supposed to be emotional caretakers.

They’re supposed to be… children.

But when you’re put in that role, it changes how you see relationships, yourself, and the world:

You grow up too fast.
You become hyper-aware of others’ emotions.
You feel guilty prioritizing yourself.
You often attract relationships where you play the caregiver role all over again.

And often, you carry a deep, unspoken grief.
Because while you were being someone else’s support system, no one was being yours.

How It Shows Up in Adults

Emotional incest doesn’t always look like trauma.

It shows up in subtle, painful ways:

Struggling to set boundaries
Feeling guilty when saying no
Becoming the “therapist” in all your relationships
Fear of abandonment if you stop being useful
Confusion about your own needs, wants, and identity

Sound familiar? That’s not just personality. That’s survival.

What Healing Looks Like

Healing starts with naming it.
Then:

Set boundaries – even if they feel unfamiliar or scary.
Reparent yourself – give your inner child the space to be cared for.
Seek support – from people who don’t need you, but see you.
Release guilt – for prioritizing your own needs.

And most of all, remember:
It was never your job to carry their pain.

You Deserved More

You deserved to be protected, not depended on.
You deserved to play, to rest, to mess up, and still be loved.
You deserved a childhood.

If no one told you that before, let me be the first:
It was never your job to hold it all together.

What You Can Do Now

Talk about this openly , even if your voice shakes.
Seek out spaces where you don’t have to be “the strong one.”
Give yourself permission to rest without earning it.

Join the Conversation

Have you ever experienced this?
How did it shape the way you love, trust, or care for others?

Drop your story in the comments. Let’s make this a safe space to unpack, release, and grow together.

You are not alone.

Taking Control of Your LIfe, Therapist are Humans Too

Navigating FOG: Understanding Fear, Obligation, and Guilt in Unhealthy Relationships

23 Jun 202530 Jul 2025by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

Recently, I was on the phone with a good friend of mine who is a Psychiatric ARNP and we were discussing relationships when she reminded me of the term FOG, something she was introduced to when attending an event featuring Dr. Anita Phillips.

In clinical practice, it’s not uncommon to encounter individuals who feel emotionally trapped in relationships where fear, obligation, and guilt—collectively known as FOG, heavily influence their decision-making. I’ve seen this dynamic surface time and time again, both in the lives of my clients and, if I’m honest, sometimes in my own.

The term FOG was introduced by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier in their work on emotional blackmail. It describes the psychological pressure people often experience when involved with individuals who may have features of a personality disorder, or who simply engage in manipulative behavior patterns. Understanding this concept is essential when working with clients navigating boundary-setting, relational conflict, or recovery from emotional abuse.

Defining FOG: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt

Fear is an adaptive survival response. It’s what prepares us to react quickly to threats. However, chronic fear, particularly fear rooted in emotional manipulation, can lead to long-term stress, anxiety, and difficulty making sound decisions.
Obligation is closely tied to our need for social belonging. Our natural desire to contribute to our community or maintain relationships can become a vulnerability when leveraged by someone seeking control.
Guilt is a normal emotional response to harming or disappointing others. But in the context of manipulation, guilt is often triggered when an individual resists complying with unreasonable demands. This can make even healthy boundary-setting feel selfish or wrong.

Clinical Examples of FOG Dynamics

FOG often shows up in relational patterns that may not seem immediately concerning but carry significant emotional weight:

A partner threatening self-harm if the relationship ends.
A parent shaming adult children for not participating in family events.
A child or adolescent using emotionally charged language (“you’ve ruined my life”) to pressure caregivers.
Colleagues misrepresenting group consensus to influence decisions.

These scenarios may initially appear like typical relational conflict but can signal chronic patterns of emotional coercion when sustained over time.

The Emotional Impact

Clients who live in persistent FOG environments often present with feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and powerlessness. Over time, these feelings can contribute to symptoms consistent with learned helplessness, a state where the individual believes that no action will improve their situation. This can lead to withdrawal, diminished self-efficacy, and difficulty trusting their own perceptions.

From my perspective as both a clinician and a human being, I can attest that navigating FOG is profoundly challenging. Even those with strong self-awareness can struggle to distinguish between legitimate relational responsibility and manipulation-induced obligation. The who reason my friend mentioned FOG was to point out to me some of the reasons I stayed in a toxic relationship way to long. I did it out of fear (of leaving), obligation (feeling responsible for that persons happiness) and guilt (over a past transgression).

How to Step Out of the FOG

Name It.
Awareness is power. When you can identify Fear, Obligation, or Guilt at play, you start to reclaim control.
Use the Internal Pause.
Before responding, take a breath and ask:
“Is this choice coming from a place of love or fear?”
Challenge the Narrative.
Ask yourself:
“What would I say to a friend in this situation?”
That lens can help you cut through distorted beliefs.
Set Boundaries with Clarity, Not Shame.
Saying no doesn’t make you cold. Taking care of yourself isn’t betrayal—it’s self-respect.
Get Support.
Whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or trusted friend, healing from FOG often requires safe, validating spaces where you’re not being gaslit or guilt-tripped.

Clinical Recommendations: What Helps

When working with clients (and even in personal reflection), several approaches can support FOG recovery:

Psychoeducation: Learning about personality disorders and emotional manipulation can empower individuals to understand the patterns they’re experiencing. I personally had to read a book on borderline personality disorders in order to get out of a toxic relationship with a former girlfriend.
Boundary Work: Clients often benefit from structured boundary-setting exercises that help them regain a sense of control without falling into emotional reactivity.
Support Systems: Encouraging clients to build networks outside of the manipulative relationship provides a necessary reality check and emotional grounding.
Cognitive Techniques: Teaching clients to pause and apply rational, logical thinking to emotional decisions can help them break the cycle of fear-based responses.
Values-Based Decision Making: Guiding clients to align their actions with their core values, rather than reactive emotions, can help them move toward healthier relational patterns.
Safety Planning: In cases of emotional abuse or high-stakes manipulation, helping clients develop clear safety plans, including the removal of themselves and dependents from harmful environments, is critical.

Final Thoughts

FOG can cloud judgment, erode confidence, and trap individuals in unhealthy relational loops. A a clinicians, it’s my role to help illuminate the pathways out through education, validation, and skill-building.

I’ve seen first-hand how challenging it can be to untangle fear, obligation, and guilt from genuine connection and responsibility. But I’ve also seen people, including myself, find their way out of the fog with support, patience, and compassionate guidance.

If you find yourself walking this path, know that clarity is possible. The fog does lift.

Bed Rotting and Gen Z: A Trend, A Statement, or A Cry for Help?

25 Sep 202324 Sep 2023by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

Tucked away in the algorithm-driven corners of TikTok, Twitter (or should I say “X”), and Instagram, there’s a phenomenon gaining traction, especially among Gen Z: “bed rotting.” But what is it about this act that resonates so deeply with today’s youth? Is it a passing trend, a form of silent protest, or a deeper sign of the times?

Diving into Bed Rotting

For the uninitiated, bed rotting is the act of lying in bed for prolonged periods, not due to illness or physical fatigue, but often driven by emotional or mental states. While older generations might dismiss it as sheer laziness or a lack of ambition, the reality is far more nuanced.

Why Gen Z?

This generation, armed with technology from a young age, has seen the world in ways no previous generation has. From global crises to the rise of influencer culture, their worldview is unique. So, why is bed rotting becoming a “thing” among them?

Overwhelm & Digital Burnout: Gen Z is the first generation to grow up fully immersed in the digital world. While this brings unparalleled connectivity, it also brings information overload, comparison culture, and a sense of never truly “switching off”.
Protest Against Hustle Culture: Recently I wrote a blog post about Hustle Culture. For a generation witnessing the fallout of relentless hustle, bed rotting can be seen as an act of rebellion. A silent protest against the “always-on” mentality.
Mental Health Awareness: Unlike previous generations, Gen Z is more vocal about mental health. Bed rotting can be both an expression of mental exhaustion and a plea for understanding.
Isolation in Connectivity: Ironically, in an era of global connection, many feel isolated. Physical interactions have been replaced with likes, shares, and retweets. The bed becomes a safe cocoon against the paradox of feeling alone in a crowded digital space.

Beyond the Trend: Implications & Understandings

Bed rotting, whether a conscious act or subconscious retreat, has tangible implications:

Physical Health: Extended periods in bed can lead to health issues, from muscle weakening to sleep disturbances.
Mental Well-being: While it might start as a retreat, prolonged bed rotting can exacerbate feelings of isolation, anxiety, and depression.

Breaking the Cycle

Understanding is the first step. If Gen Z’s bed rotting is a statement, then it’s one we should listen to. Solutions can be multi-faceted:

Open Conversations: Encourage open dialogues about feelings without judgment. Sometimes, understanding the “why” can pave the way for change.
Digital Detox: Encourage breaks from the online world. Rediscover offline hobbies and passions.
Redefine Success: Challenge the traditional narratives of success and achievement. It’s okay to have days of rest and reflection.
Professional Help: If bed rotting becomes chronic, consider seeking therapeutic interventions.

Conclusion

For Gen Z, bed rotting isn’t just a trend; it’s a statement. It’s an embodiment of their experiences in a world that’s both incredibly connected and profoundly isolating. Recognizing it as such allows us to approach the phenomenon with empathy, offering support and understanding rather than judgment.

Hustle Culture: The Glorification of Burnout and the Quest for Balance

24 Sep 2023by Torey C. Richards, LMHC1 Comment

The saying goes, “Rise and grind.” Every day, social media feeds are flooded with motivational quotes urging us to hustle harder, push further, and never rest until our dreams are realized. Welcome to the era of “Hustle Culture” – a modern societal phenomenon that glorifies ceaseless work as the path to success. But at what cost?

Defining Hustle Culture

Hustle culture is the societal norm that promotes an obsession with relentless work. It’s the notion that every moment not spent working towards a goal is a moment wasted. Overnight success, according to this culture, is a myth. Instead, success is seen as the fruit of sleepless nights, sacrificed weekends, and an unwavering commitment to the “grind.”

The Rise of the Hustle

Several factors have contributed to the rise and popularity of hustle culture:

Social Media & Comparison: Platforms like Instagram and LinkedIn often showcase highlight reels of individuals’ lives, leading others to feel they’re lagging behind and need to hustle more to catch up.
Economic Pressure: In an era of rising living costs, many feel the pressure to side-hustle just to make ends meet.
Entrepreneurial Dream: Stories of tech billionaires and startup successes have fueled the desire for entrepreneurship, often seen as a path that demands unyielding hustle.

The Downside of the Grind

While hard work is undeniably essential for success, the relentless push advocated by hustle culture can have negative effects:

Burnout: Working incessantly without breaks can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion. Burnout can manifest as fatigue, irritability, and reduced performance.
Mental Health Issues: The constant pressure to perform and achieve can lead to heightened stress, anxiety, and even depression.
Lost Personal Time: Family, friendships, and personal hobbies can suffer when every moment is dedicated to the hustle.
Physical Health Neglect: Sacrificing sleep, eating quick unhealthy meals, and lacking consistent physical activity can lead to a myriad of health issues.

Finding a Balanced Approach

Success doesn’t and shouldn’t come at the cost of well-being. It’s possible to be productive and driven without succumbing to the extremes of hustle culture:

Set Clear Boundaries: Whether it’s logging off by a certain time or taking weekends to rejuvenate, setting boundaries is essential.
Quality Over Quantity: Focus on task efficiency rather than hours worked. Being productive for a few focused hours can be more beneficial than scattered efforts throughout the day.
Listen to Your Body: Rest is not a sign of weakness; it’s a requirement for sustained effort. Sleep, relaxation, and leisure activities recharge the mind and body.
Seek Support: Build a supportive community around you. Talk about pressures with friends, family, or professionals who can provide perspective.
Redefine Success: Remember that everyone’s journey is unique. Your measure of success doesn’t have to mirror someone else’s Instagram feed.

Conclusion

Hustle culture, with its seductive promise of success and recognition, has its merits. There’s no denying the value of dedication, commitment, and hard work. However, a balance is crucial. Embracing a more holistic view of success—one that includes well-being, joy, and contentment—can pave the way for a more fulfilling, healthy, and sustainable life journey.

In an age that often equates busyness with worth, it’s essential to remember that our value isn’t solely determined by our output. Taking a step back from the grind, every once in a while, might just be the real key to finding a meaningful life.

Taking Control of Your LIfe

The Seven-Year Itch: Myth, Reality, or Just a Passing Phase?

15 Sep 2023by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

The iconic scene of Marilyn Monroe standing over a subway grate, her white dress billowing around her, isn’t just an unforgettable image from Hollywood’s golden era. It’s a cultural reference to a phenomenon many couples fear: the seven-year itch. But is this itch real, or just a figment of Hollywood’s imagination? Let’s peel back the layers on this relationship concept and see what the fuss is all about.

What Exactly is the Seven-Year Itch?

Coined in the 1955 film of the same name, the “seven-year itch” alludes to a decline in happiness around the seventh year of a relationship, but especially a marriage. It suggests that at this point, partners may feel a sense of restlessness, leading to doubts and temptations outside the relationship.

The Reality Behind the Number

While ‘seven’ is a catchy number (and makes for a great movie title), research shows the concept is a bit more complicated than the film suggests. Some studies propose that marital satisfaction dips not at year seven, but earlier, around years three to four, when the challenges of child-rearing often arise. For others, it might come later. The point is, there’s no universally fixed timeline for relationship ruts.

The Itch Factors

Several factors might contribute to this so-called itch:

Routine and Monotony: The initial euphoria of love, termed the ‘honeymoon phase,’ can wane, giving way to the predictability of daily life.
Children: While they are bundles of joy, children also bring challenges. Sleepless nights, financial strain, and divided attention can take a toll.
Neglect: Partners may feel neglected or take each other for granted as time goes on.
External Temptations: Over time, individuals might feel the allure of new attractions or experiences outside their relationship.

Combating the Itch

The good news? An itch doesn’t mean the end. Here’s how to scratch it without tearing the fabric of the relationship:

Communication: Talk openly about feelings of restlessness or discontent. Recognizing the problem is the first step to addressing it.
Rekindle the Spark: Invest in date nights, take a vacation together, or try something new as a couple.
Seek Counseling: Professional therapy or couples’ counseling can offer tools and strategies to navigate rough patches.
Self-Reflection: Sometimes, the itch might be more about personal dissatisfaction than the relationship. Consider personal therapy or self-help resources.

Is It All Bad?

While the concept of the seven-year itch sounds negative, it’s not necessarily a disastrous sign. It might be an opportunity for growth, reflection, and a renewed commitment. Many couples emerge from these phases with a deeper understanding and appreciation for each other.

In Conclusion: To Itch or Not to Itch?

Relationships, like all living things, evolve. They have their seasons of spring-like romance and winter-like discontent. While the seven-year itch makes for catchy terminology (and iconic film moments), it’s essential to recognize that every relationship has its timeline. With understanding, communication, and effort, most itches can be soothingly scratched, leading to many more years of shared happiness.

“The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.” – Alexandra Penney

The Allure and Downfall of Doomscrolling

4 Sep 2023by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

In a world where the news cycle feels unending, and every refresh brings new tales of catastrophe, a peculiar yet entirely relatable behavior has emerged: doomscrolling. It’s midnight, you’re tucked into bed, but instead of drifting off to sleep, you find yourself trapped in a loop, endlessly scrolling through negative news. Sounds familiar? This phenomenon is often called “doomscrolling” and as innocent as it may appear it’s actuall affecting our mental well-being.

What is Doomscrolling?

Doomscrolling (or doomsurfing) describes the act of consuming a vast amount of negative online news, even though it’s upsetting or depressing. This compulsive need to constantly update oneself about the latest crises, tragedies, and anxieties of our time can have significant emotional consequences.

The Science Behind the Scroll

So, why do we doomscroll? On the surface, it seems counterintuitive. We’re hardwired to seek pleasure and avoid discomfort. Yet, when faced with a constant barrage of dire headlines, our brains become hooked. Here’s why:

Negativity Bias: Humans are evolutionarily predisposed to pay attention to negative stimuli. It was a survival mechanism – the more aware you were of potential threats, the more likely you were to survive.
The Need for Control: By staying updated, we might feel a sense of control over uncontrollable situations.
Endless Information Stream: Modern technology, with its endless news feeds and updates, makes it easier than ever to get lost in the scroll.

The Impact of Doomscrolling

Emotional Toll

A steady diet of doom and gloom can significantly impact our mental health. Persistent exposure to negative news can increase feelings of anxiety, sadness, and hopelessness. Over time, it can also lead to compassion fatigue, where individuals become indifferent to tragic news due to overexposure.

Physical Consequences

Doomscrolling, especially before bedtime, can disrupt our sleep patterns. The blue light emitted by screens can suppress melatonin production, making it harder to fall asleep. Moreover, the emotional toll taken by the negative news can also lead to restless sleep.

Social Implications

Our worldviews can become skewed if we’re constantly immersed in negative news. We might start to see the world as a more dangerous place than it actually is, leading to unnecessary fear and anxiety in our daily lives.

Breaking the Cycle of Doomscrolling

Awareness is the first step. Recognizing that you’re falling into a doomscrolling spiral is crucial. Here are some strategies to curb the habit:

Set Boundaries: Allocate specific times for news consumption. It can be helpful to avoid checking the news first thing in the morning or right before bed.
Limit Notifications: Turn off news notifications on your phone. This prevents the constant barrage of updates that can pull you into the doomscrolling cycle.
Curate Your Feed: Follow positive news outlets or accounts dedicated to uplifting content. Balance is key.
Digital Detox: Designate times where you unplug entirely. This could be an evening, a weekend, or even an hour during your day.
Engage in Positive Activities: Whenever you feel the urge to scroll, redirect your attention to activities that uplift you, such as reading a book, listening to music, or engaging in a hobby.

The Bigger Picture

In an age of information overload, it’s essential to remember that our media consumption habits play a significant role in shaping our perceptions, emotions, and overall well-being. While staying informed is important, it’s equally vital to ensure that our consumption patterns don’t negatively impact our mental health.

Conclusion

Doomscrolling, while a modern term, touches on age-old human behaviors and tendencies. In a world that feels increasingly uncertain, taking charge of our media habits can serve as a first step toward ensuring our emotional well-being. Remember, it’s okay to step back, breathe, and disconnect. Your mind will thank you.