There’s a particular kind of wound that doesn’t leave visible scars. It’s not the kind you scream about or even know how to name until years later, usually in therapy or during a quiet moment of reflection. It’s when your parent made you their emotional partner, their rock, their confidant, long before you even knew how to spell the word confidant.
This isn’t about physical or sexual abuse. It’s about a subtle and often invisible boundary being crossed: emotional incest.
It happens when a parent leans too heavily on a child for emotional support, validation, or companionship in a way that disrupts that child’s development.
And the worst part?
To the outside world, it looks like love.
What Emotional Incest Looks Like
Your mom tells you everything.
Not just little things. Everything. Her problems at work. Her issues with your dad. Her fears. Her disappointments. She calls you her “best friend” or says, “You’re the only one I can really talk to.”
Or maybe your dad constantly talks about how lonely he is, how he doesn’t know what he’d do without you. He vents to you about his dating life. He needs you to cheer him up, to be strong for him.
It feels like love. It’s closeness.
But it’s not the right kind.
Why It’s So Damaging
Children aren’t supposed to be emotional caretakers.
They’re supposed to be… children.
But when you’re put in that role, it changes how you see relationships, yourself, and the world:
- You grow up too fast.
- You become hyper-aware of others’ emotions.
- You feel guilty prioritizing yourself.
- You often attract relationships where you play the caregiver role all over again.
And often, you carry a deep, unspoken grief.
Because while you were being someone else’s support system, no one was being yours.
How It Shows Up in Adults
Emotional incest doesn’t always look like trauma.
It shows up in subtle, painful ways:
- Struggling to set boundaries
- Feeling guilty when saying no
- Becoming the “therapist” in all your relationships
- Fear of abandonment if you stop being useful
- Confusion about your own needs, wants, and identity
Sound familiar? That’s not just personality. That’s survival.
What Healing Looks Like
Healing starts with naming it.
Then:
- Set boundaries – even if they feel unfamiliar or scary.
- Reparent yourself – give your inner child the space to be cared for.
- Seek support – from people who don’t need you, but see you.
- Release guilt – for prioritizing your own needs.
And most of all, remember:
It was never your job to carry their pain.
You Deserved More
You deserved to be protected, not depended on.
You deserved to play, to rest, to mess up, and still be loved.
You deserved a childhood.
If no one told you that before, let me be the first:
It was never your job to hold it all together.
What You Can Do Now
- Talk about this openly , even if your voice shakes.
- Seek out spaces where you don’t have to be “the strong one.”
- Give yourself permission to rest without earning it.
Join the Conversation
Have you ever experienced this?
How did it shape the way you love, trust, or care for others?
Drop your story in the comments. Let’s make this a safe space to unpack, release, and grow together.
You are not alone.
Licensed Mental Health Counselor 