Tag: Mindfulness

Popular Psychology

What We Can Learn From The Dying

by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment on What We Can Learn From The Dying

dying-wife-istockI’ve read a lot of books and information about death, grief and suicide. Those books have been both some of the most depressing and uplifting books I have ever read. Some of the most interesting books have been on people who were terminally ill like a book written by Bronnie Ware called The Five Regrets of the Dying.

We can learn a lot from the regrets of the  dying as regrets can give us insight if we look at them as things we can change so that hopefully we won’t have the same regrets. Here we’ll talk about the top five regrets of the dying as mentioned in The Five Regret.

  1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me: Many of us live lives that are inauthentic to who we really are and what we really want. It’s hard not to when we have been bombarded since birth by our parents and later by society about who we should be and what we should want, even when it contradicts our true desires. Even more disturbing is that many of us have been so brainwashed that we don’t even know when we are living inauthentic and think that the thoughts and goals that have been inserted inside of our minds by culture, society and family, are really our own when in fact they may be keeping us from living authentically. Something we can work on is recognizing this and attempting to live a life that is more inline with our true desires and goals.
  2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard: We are taught that we are supposed to work hard and as a matter of fact, many people enjoy working hard, but many use working hard to escape dealing with other issues or work hard because it is what is expected of them. However, most people who are dying wished they would have spent more time doing things that nourished them, such as hobbies or spending time with friends and family, instead of working and collecting material items that now serve them little to no purpose. Sometimes we must work hard in order to pay the bills and “free time” doesn’t seem like an option, but we still have to find the time to do things that will serve us better spiritually.
  3. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings: How many times do we hold our tongues and not say the things we really want to say to family, friends, etc? We end up becoming passive and not assertive in order to save face or avoid a potential argument. Furthermore, a lot of people have trouble expressing love and affection and miss out on opportunities to let others know how they truly feel about them. In order for us to live a life with less regrets, we have to live a more authentic life where we are not only in touch with our true feelings,  but are able to express them.
  4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends: It’s easy with the pressures of life and how fast paced  things can be, to lose touch with our friends, but having healthy, nurturing relationships adds to the overall happiness and quality of life. Maybe today you can find a way to start re-connecting with good and healthy people that will help bring joy to your life.
  5. I wish I had let myself be happier: In the book Five Regrets of the Dying, most people didn’t realize until they were dying that happiness is a choice. Sure things happen to us, many that are out of our control, but we still choose how to deal with that situation and how we will let it affect us. We can start becoming more aware and make more  conscious decisions about how to deal and respond to those situations instead of allowing them to bring us down, make us angry or throw us for a loop.

The good thing about other peoples mistakes and regrets is that we can learn from them and hopefully not end up having the same regrets. We can all start today by looking over this list and incorporating our own so that we can live a happier, more authentic life.

Popular Psychology, Taking Control of Your LIfe

Yesterday Does Not Define You

by Torey C. Richards, LMHC2 Comments on Yesterday Does Not Define You

istock_000002301808xsmallIn the 8th or 9th grade I wasn’t the best student. At times my grades weren’t all that great and my behavior in school wasn’t either. I was never the type of student that was always in trouble, but I was always struggling to find my place amongst all the other teenagers who were just as lost as I was.

Often times I would find myself trying to do things to try to fit in. Things the popular kids were doing, such as not caring about grades and caring more about being respected and feared over being respected and respectful.

Sometimes I would do things that I didn’t understand, which I am sure many of us can attest too, especially when we were teenagers and our hormones were raging and our still developing brains were still trying to come together.

This would often lead to be being unhappy with myself for one reason or another. I would be unhappy with my grades which often barely straddled C’s and more closely D’s. I would find myself unhappy with the way I dealt with certain situations, rather it was bullying other people or getting bullied. Emotionally I was all over the place. Sometimes depressed, sometimes angry, but never truly happy for long.

It was during this time that I realized that every Monday I had a chance to start over. To almost be, or at least try to be, a totally different person than I was the week before. Maybe last week I got detention, was mean to one kid or allowed another kid to make me afraid to walk down the hall. Maybe the week before I wasn’t the best student, but every Monday gave me an opportunity to try to do better, to start over.

That was always such a relief, such a refreshing feeling, to know that I did not have to be the person that week that I was the week before. That I could start over fresh. And that’s how I started to get better, as a student and as a person, by starting over one week at a time, trying to do better each week and not letting the previous week define me.

It wasn’t until later in high school that I realized I could use that same technique, that same mental reset everyday. I didn’t have to wait until Monday. If I had a bad day today, I could start fresh tomorrow. Eventually, and I think I was a senior in high school or maybe in college when I realized every hour I could start over. If I had a bad morning, that didn’t mean the rest of my day had to go bad. If I had a bad moment even, I didn’t have to dwell on it and let it define my day.

That is one of the great things about life, that we can start over everyday, every moment if we really wanted to and learn from our mistakes. We don’t have to dwell on yesterday. We don’t have to let yesterday or 2 minutes ago define us. We can learn from those mistakes and move on.

By using that technique way back in high school, my grades and behavior improved. I became an overall better person, more in touch with myself and not depending so much on others, or the mistakes of yesterday to define me. I still use that technique today, albeit, sometimes as an adult it is harder to remember and actually do, but when I do it, it is just as refreshing to know that I don’t have to stay stuck in the past.

We are not our past and yesterday does not define us. Too many people get mentally and emotionally stuck because they let their past define who they are and they don’t realize that they can break out of that rut by simply trying to do better, to do something different, to have a different attitude or to try to take on a different perspective.

Sometimes that is easier said than done, but once you learn how to “reset” your life, it’s one of the best gifts you can give yourself, each and every moment.

Taking Control of Your LIfe

10 Mindfulness Techniques You Can Start Using Today

by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment on 10 Mindfulness Techniques You Can Start Using Today

IMG_148084419922650Most of us spend a lot of time feeling pain, guilt or regret about our past and anxiety about our future. We can get so wrapped up in this past and future thinking that we don’t even enjoy the present moment we are living in.

Mindfulness is a form of self-awareness that helps brings us back to the present moment. It is taken from mindfulness meditation which is based on Buddhist meditation principles. It the past decade or so it has become very popular, especially as part of dialectical behavior training which has been successful in treating borderline personality disorders.

The basics of mindfulness helps us to pay attention to the present moment and disengage from the mental clutter and chatter that is almost always filling our minds.

How many times have you found yourself at a party, in a meeting, on a date even playing with your kids and yet while you are physically there, mentally you are somewhere else. You are in your head, dwelling on your past, thinking about the future and not living in that very moment. We have so much going on in our lives today that it’s hard to live in the present.

We are with our spouses, but thinking about everything we have to do at work tomorrow so we aren’t really hearing what they are saying or we are doing a task we do regularly, but are just going through the motions and not really paying attention to what we are doing (which is one reason accidents happen).

I have to admit that there have been many times when listening to a client that my mind will wonder. I’ll start thinking about my past, I’ll start thinking about what I have to do later that day and before I realize it, I’ve missed a good portion of what that client was talking about (it’s bad I know, but it happens… therapist are human too). I have to fight with myself sometimes to stay in the present, to not allow the clutter and chatter in my brain to take me anywhere else, but to remain in the here and now which takes practice.

As a matter of fact, during group therapy, being in the present and being mindful are two of my 10 rules. Often times when one group member is talking, some of the others will drift off to their own issues, their own regrets over the past and anxieties about the future to the point that they can’t offer support and encouragement to the group member who was speaking because mentally they weren’t there.

Here I’ve listed 10 ways to help you start being more mindful and to start living in and enjoying the present moment today.

  1. One Minute exercise: sit in front of a clock or look at your watch for exactly one minute and focus all of your attention only on your breathing and nothing else. Sounds simple, but your mind will tend to rebel and try to fill itself with all kinds of past and future thoughts. Resist it, focus simply on your breathing for one minute. Once you have this down pat you can start extending it by another minute up to five minutes or even longer!

  2. Take a shower. Showers can be relaxing and can be a mini vacation away from everything and everyone else. Feel free to use your imagination and picture yourself standing under a tropical waterfall.
  3. Speaking of water, sticking your hand in some warm water and concentrating on the sensation on your skin is not only a great way to bring you back to the present, but it is also helpful for de-stressing because it brings your brain a sense of comfort. If you aren’t near any warm water try rubbing your hands together to get a similar affect.
  4. Listen to music, calming music preferably and music you’re not familiar with is best, but really listen to it, not just the words, but the sounds of the instruments and the rhythm of the beat. Even familiar music can sound new again when you truly are present with it.

  5. Mindful Eating: Most of the time when we eat, we aren’t really paying attention to what we are doing. We are distracted by our mind, the television or anything else. In mindful eating, you sit down with no distractions, paying full attention to every bite you select and put into your mouth being aware of its color, how it smells, how it taste, the different textures, how it feels in your mouth. You may be surprised at how your food actually tastes different once you slow down and focus on it and possibly, how little of it you actually need to fill full. If trying this for an entire meal is too hard, try doing it for the first two bites of each meal.

  6. Mindful Walking: This is similar to mindful eating accept you take a walk and allow yourself to only focus on what is happening right now. How the ground feels beneath your feet, how the wind and/or sun feels on your skin, on how the leaves look and sound on the trees, even observing other people. It’s also good to pay attention to your breathing as you walk to help keep you present and centered.
  7. The acronym R.A.I.N. is used to describe a more advanced technique for when you are feeling unpleasant emotions where “R” stands for recognizing when a strong emotions is present, “A” is to acknowledge the emotion (instead of denying or running from it), “I” is to investigate where the feeling is coming from by checking in with your mind, body and feelings, and “N” is to non-identify with what’s there, meaning to not allow the emotion to define you or control you, but to understand that it is just another passing emotion that doesn’t have to control you. RAIN is about staying with your emotions and then letting them go, not dwelling on them or doing things to try to escape them, but acknowledging them and then allowing them to leave. It can be challenging to stay with your emotions and still let them go which is why this and the next technique are both considered advanced, but once you practice and can use them effectively, they can be life changing.
  8. Most of the time before we know it, our minds are racing, we are thinking about the past, the future, anxious, and just going through the motions of our daily routine. This is when we need to find time to S.T.O.P. which means to Stop what you are doing, if only for a minute, Take a breath and pay attention to your breathing, allowing it to flow in through your nose deeply and out through your mouth fully. You can try imagining breathing in a cloud through your nose and blowing it back out through your mouth. Observe your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Know that you can observe them, but they are just thoughts, feelings and emotions, that doesn’t make them facts they are not permanent. Often times recognizing, observing and letting thoughts, feelings and emotions go will work much faster than any psychotropic medication can in alleviating anxiety and depression. Lasting proceed with something supportive and positive such as talking with a friend or exercising.
  9. Un-tunnel your vision. A lot of times when we are stressed it’s because we are focusing on a single point that eliminates or obscures all other options. Try extending your arms all the way out until you form a “T” and then wiggle your fingers. Slowly bring your arms back in until your fingers are insight and then extend them again. Repeat this. Playing with your peripheral vision can help your brain to remember to expand and to remember that their are other options and possibilities other than that single point it’s currently focusing on that’s causing you stress.
  10. Come up with your own ways to be mindful and in the here and now! There are so many different ways we can practice being in the moment and there is no better way than finding something that works best for you.

A lot of our discomfort comes from worrying about the future and beating ourselves up about the past, but the past is gone and the future has not happened yet. Living happens in the moment we are in right now so taking some time to remember that and appreciate the present will definitely make our entire life experience richer.

Abnormal Psychology, Taking Control of Your LIfe, Therapist are Humans Too

Sensitive People: Absorbing Other People Emotions

by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment on Sensitive People: Absorbing Other People Emotions

Teenage girl looking thoughtful about troublesI’m highly sensitive to other people emotions and energy. I have been for probably all of my life, but it is something I have just become aware of in the past few years. I can be having a good day, feeling happy and all it can take is an interaction without someone close to me, to bring me down.

When I discovered this sensitivity, it was quite alarming. It seemed like my mood and even the way I felt about myself were dependent on how the people around me were feeling and even how they felt towards me at that moment. You can imagine the amount of stress, anxiety and uncertainty it would cause me and often times I didn’t understand why. Looking back I think I thought that they’re mood and feelings had something to do with me. It took a lot of introspection before I realized a few things:

  1. Rarely if ever did the other persons mood, feelings or behavior have absolutely anything to do with me and,
  2. I can not control other people’s feelings.

A large part of it boiled down to control. I wanted everyone around me to be happy, to like me, to treat me the way I would treat them, and when they didn’t, I automatically assumed it was my fault and whatever joy or happiness I had would go away and turn into either self-blame, dysthymia or anger, especially when the people were close to me such as a girlfriend or close friend.

It took a long time for me to start working on not allowing other people emotions to affect mine, and honestly it is something I still struggle with on nearly a daily basis. Some days are better than others and when I do find myself losing my inner peace to someone else’s energy, I get discouraged because I know it’s not about me and that I can’t control their emotions nor should I allow them to have power over mine.

I learned however that if I beat myself up too bad for allowing someone to move me from my inner peace, I end up doing more emotional harm than good because I become negative towards myself for being “weak” or even “stupid” (negative self-talk never helps and is almost always a recipe for increased anxiety and depression).

I’m starting to realize that one way to stop giving so much power to other people over my emotions is by not expecting things from them that they can not give me, such as unconditional love, unconditional positive regard or fulfilling any of my various needs that can only be filled by me and God. By not expecting those needs to be met by others I have taken back much of my power, but still at times, it’s a struggle just like when trying to undo any bad habit physically or mentally.

Some Negatives to Being Hypersensitive

As I stated above, being hypersensitive to other people emotions makes it very easy to be affected by others emotions, usually not for the better. This can be very draining and overwhelming and can easily lead to anxiety and depression. This can cause us to withdraw so that we can process and deal with our emotions, which other people may not understand and take it negatively that we need time and space alone, especially since we live in a culture that devalues sensitivity. Lastly, hypersensitive people may have unrealistic expectations of perfectionism towards themselves (i.e., everyone is supposed to like me).

Some Positives About Being Hypersensitive

Just like most things that are negative, there are of course positive things about being hypersensitive emotionally. I think evolutionarily it helps us to pick up slight shifts in someones temperament or even the energy around us. I’ve been in rooms where everyone around me was talking, yet no one noticed the sudden shift in tension, or how someone else became emotional, angry or nervous during a certain topic. I would sometimes leave those situations knowing more about a person I didn’t even talk to just by watching the subtle changes in their expressions.

I think being hypersensitive to other people emotions help me to be more in touch with my own emotions. I’m always amazed at how many people aren’t in touch with their emotions and as a counselor, often it’s my job to help them to get in touch with their true emotions so that they can start living a real, authentic life. We hide from our emotions, mask our emotions (even from ourselves) and often don’t know why we feel or act in certain ways because we are not used to being in touch with that part of us. Hypersensitive people are almost always, sometimes neurotically checking in with their thoughts and emotions.

I think being hypersensitive also leads to being more creative, to being able to express ones emotions more through music, art, dance, poetry and writing for example. It also makes us more empathetic to others which in the field of mental health is a must.

Some Tips for Hypersensitive People

  1. You have to recognize and acknowledge that you are absorbing other people emotions. I’ve been doing it for years and until I actually realized it, I wasn’t doing anything different to try to stop it.
  2. When you start feeling a certain way after an encounter with someone, ask yourself if what you are feeling is really your emotion or theirs. You’ll be surprised to find out that most of the time it’s not yours and if it’s theirs then immediately release it. This alone will make you feel better most of the time.
  3. Remember that you are not responsible for nor can you control other people emotions so don’t worry over it because in doing so, you’ll just be absorbing it into your own emotional state.
  4. Identify what/who is making you feel a certain way and try to distance yourself if you can. If you can’t, go back through steps 1 to 3. Sometimes it’s a particular friend or group of coworkers that are the main source. Putting some distance between you and them can help alleviate the problem.
  5. When you start to feel overwhelmed by other people emotions, even if you can’t get away, try mindfulness or deep breathing techniques to help bring you back to your own inner peace.
  6. Speaking of inner peace, always try to work on building up your own inner peace by being good to yourself, exercising, eating right, maintaining good emotional, physical and mental health and surrounding yourself with people who bring you good and positive energy. BE GOOD TO  YOURSELF!

Being hypersensitive to other people emotions is both a gift and a curse, but look at it like a power that you have to master so that you are in control of your emotions and able to use all of the positive qualities that come along with being sensitive to other people emotions.

 

Popular Psychology

Setting Up A Coping Skills Toolbox

by Torey C. Richards, LMHC6 Comments on Setting Up A Coping Skills Toolbox
My Journal
My Journal

Today I read a sign that said Sometimes you’re the statue, sometimes you’re the pigeon. It served as a good reminder that not everyday will be a good day.

It’s helpful that in anticipation of those not so good days that we have a set of healthy coping skills easily at our disposal, a “toolbox” if you will.

What are coping skills?

Coping skills are basically behaviors that we have developed to deal with times of distress. Some of those behaviors are positive (i.e., exercising) while others are negative (i.e., smoking). Positive coping skills allow us to deal with life stressors in a healthy way while negative coping skills generally make us feel better temporarily, and then either make us feel worse or lead to bad consequences.

People in recovery have probably heard of a coping toolbox before, it’s something that we usually have them work on in anticipation of relapses, temptations and set backs. I am not just talking about recovery from drugs or alcohol, but recovery from a mental illness, codependency or whatever it is you are trying to overcome.

Even if you aren’t in any form of recovery, having a coping skills toolbox can prove to be an invaluable asset when you have to face those not so good days.

Naturally, we all have coping skills we have developed over the years. Some we are conscious of and some we are not. Many of our coping skills are unhealthy or  ineffective. People who use substances, cut themselves, etc., are all using coping skills that are unhealthy.

The trick is to develop healthy coping skills that we are conscious of so that we can use them when we are having a bad day or feel ourselves headed in that direction. People who have a toolbox that is filled with positive coping skills are better prepared to deal with life stressors.

Because each person is different, one persons coping skills may not work for everyone, but it is useful to try different healthy coping skills to see what does work for you and to put those into your “toolbox” so that you can have a collection of visual or written cues to help you when you are having one of those days where you feel more like the statue than the pigeon.

Positive coping skills are a great way to reduce anxiety and depression and bring back a sense of balance and peace during times of distress.

It’s good to think about and start putting together your toolbox when you are having a good day, before a stressful event happens when you still have the energy and creativity. It’s like putting together a hurricane survival kit (for those of us here in Florida), you don’t wait until a hurricane is here to put together a survival kit, you do it before a storm even develops so that when the hurricane is knocking on your door, your kit is already prepared.

Here are some of the coping skills in my toolbox:

  • Journaling– I love keeping a journal as a way to express my thoughts and feelings, especially when I have a difficult time figuring them out and when I feel like I can’t talk to anyone else about them.
  • Creative writing– sometimes it’s helpful for me to put some of the distress I am going through into fictional characters or situations that may mirror mine. It helps to sometimes work them out in a fictional setting before applying them to my real world or just to vent and play things out without the real risk of harm.
  • Drawing/sketching– art therapy is a great way to release tension or explose your thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I just take a scratch sheet of paper and sketch, nothing in particular, but it helps ease my mind.
  • Exercising– I love to workout, but when I am stressed, working out becomes therapeutic. Sometimes I think it is the only way I have remained sane for so long 🙂 .
  • Meditation– sometimes I just sit steal and don’t try to think, feel or solve anything. Amazingly, sometimes just sitting still and doing nothing for five minutes resolves multiple internal conflicts I was having.
  • Mindfulness– focusing on the here and now often takes away angst I am feeling about the past and future. Just allowing myself to be here and reminding myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, allows me to release built up tension.
  • Distraction– sometimes I allow myself to just “change the channel”, virtually taking a mental break from whatever is bothering me. I may play a video game, read a book, call a friend, anything and often that distraction is enough to either allow those bad feelings/thoughts to pass or to put them in better prospective.

This is definitely not a definitive list, it’s just some of the tools I use in my toolbox. I know other people have included music, knitting and yoga in their toolboxes. What are you going to put in your coping skills toolbox?

Popular Psychology

How to Resuscitate Your Life

by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment on How to Resuscitate Your Life

The other day as I was sitting in a CPR recertification class, I couldn’t help but to think how could I apply the principles of CPR to my daily life.

Compressions

In the CPR recertification class we were taught that compressions are the most important part of CPR, keeping the blood flowing through the body. That got me to thinking that when it comes to resuscitating your life, perhaps the most important thing is to find, or rediscover the things you love and actually do them.

Many of us have hobbies or things we love to do, yet often allow the stressors of daily life to rob us of those joys and before we know it, it’s been weeks, months and sometimes even years since we’ve done those very things we claim to love. As a result we often find ourselves feeling drained, burnt out and unhappy as our time is spent more and more with obligations and less and less with the things that actually make us excited about life. This leads many of us to feel like we have lost a part of ourselves and sometimes don’t even know who we are because the real us has been smothered by this other person who doesn’t have time to do the things that actually make our hearts beat with joy.

Breathing

The second part of CPR is breathing, and I take that to mean breathing life back into yourself. Sometimes it’s easy to just come home from work and do nothing because we are tired and before we know it, a whole year has passed by without us accomplishing many of our goals or developing our personal lives the way we would have wanted to. We have to find motivation and inspiration to actually live life, be active participates in life and not just participate in it passively. What is it you need to do to breath life back into yourself? Maybe it’s getting up and going for a walk instead of taking a nap, or calling a friend instead of texting. Maybe it’s registering for a class you’ve always wanted to take, but never find the time or motivation to actually do it. Our maybe it’s surrounding yourself with people you know will help breath life back into you.

AED

Lastly, if all else fails in CPR, an Automatic External Defibrillator may be required to try to shock the person back into life. Do you need a jolt? Do you need to jump in head first in order to get past your initially trepidation? I know a friend who was afraid of heights and he signed up to sky dive as a way to overcome his fear. I’m not suggestion something so drastic, but what I am suggesting is that you push yourself out of your comfort zone if you know the reward for that is worth it. I know overweight people who are afraid to join gyms because they think people will look at them. Truth is, most people in a gym could care less and will actually compliment them when they start seeing results. They could find encouragement there, make friends, find motivation, but they can’t get over that initial fear enough to even step foot into the gym. Do you need to push yourself through that door, step into that uncomfortableness, recognize and accept that you feel uncomfortable, but know that it will pass and you will be a better person because of it?

Here is a very short list of suggestions, I would like to hear more from you and you can always create your own personalized list. Now, go out and reclaim your life!

  1. Eat some chocolate
  2. Go for a walk
  3. Take a three minute breathing space
  4. Do something pleasureable
  5. Meditate
  6. Be mindful of yourself and surroundings (mindfulness is something we will talk about in another post)
  7. Keep a gratitude journal
  8. Go to a movie
  9. Go for a walk
  10. Call an old friend