relationships – Page 4 – Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Betrayal Of Trust: How To Let Go And Move On When You’ve Been Hurt

10 Dec 201210 Dec 2012by Torey C. Richards, LMHC2 Comments

Trust is an essential part of every relationship (romantic, family, business, friends, etc.). Trust defines interactions in relationships by building bonds and strengthening intimacy. Without trust, no relationship can truly grow to it’s full potential.

But what happens when that trust is betrayed?

Not everyone values trust as much as they should. Because trust at times is easily given, especially at first, it at times is also easily taken for granted. When trust is loss, the relationship suffers and sometimes fails.

When the trust is loss, it can be very hard, if not impossible to earn back. Whether trust can be restored or not depends on how much damage was done. Often the betrayed person just wants to end the relationship because of the pain and that is understandable.

However, many marriages have survived affairs and many relationships have survived betrayals.

If someone wants to work on rebuilding trust in the person that betrayed them, there are some things that they can do:

Let the anger out– let the person that betrayed you know that you are hurting. It’s okay to let them know how you feel and you should. Often times the betrayed person feels rejected and is afraid to show anger towards the other person, but they end up just holding it in and letting it consume them, preventing any type of healing or rebuilding of trust to truly happen.
Make up your mind to let it to, and then let it go– once you have let out your anger, let it go. That doesn’t mean blind forgiveness, but forgiving the person that betrayed you will free you up and set you free. If the person that betrayed you apologizes and you forgive them, then never bring up the incident over and over again. Don’t hold it over the person. Acknowledge that it happened. Acknowledge how you feel, but don’t beat them over the head with it if you hope to move on. Forgiveness is as much for you as it is for the other person.
Know that will can never go back to the way they were before the betrayal– sadly, things have changed. The betrayal has done it’s damage. Things will never go back to the way they were before. Things will get better, but never the same. You may never trust the person the same again, but you can develop a type of mature trust and maybe not the naive trust you may have had before. I once counseled a woman who’s husband had had multiple affairs with multiple women, and surprisingly (through counseling) they managed to save their marriage and are still happily married today, but she couldn’t talk about her marriage and the affairs without crying, even years later, despite forgiving her husband and moving on.
Be willing to ask others for help– you will need your support system to get through this. You can’t and don’t have to do it alone. know that you can ask for help when needed, even if it’s from the person that betrayed you. Let them know what you need from them. Often times we are too embarrassed about being the betrayal to ask for help because we don’t want others to judge us for forgiving the other person. If that’s the case, talking to a counselor may be the best source of support. There you will have someone who will listen to you without judgement and give you the support needed.
Practice Trusting– people can’t earn back our trust without the opportunity to do so. This doesn’t mean you give the person “tests” to pass or fail, but practice giving them opportunities to show you that they deserve your trust. Sometimes people will say, “I forgive you”, yet cling to the other person as if they are trying to control their every move and thought. This isn’t forgiveness, trust or love. It’s fear.

Part of loving and trusting includes opening yourself up to potential pain and betrayal. It doesn’t mean it has to devour you and ruin your life.

Facts versus Opinions

26 Oct 201226 Oct 2012by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

I’m an introvert and a very introspective person. That’s no secret to those who really know me.

Most of the time when I go out with people I find myself sitting back, watching and listening. It may seem like I am not engaged in the conversation, when in actuality, I’m probably more engaged than the people talking.

It’s fascinating. I enjoy doing it. I can do this for hours and not say a word, yet am totally absorbed in the entire conversation, not just what is being said, but how it is said and the true meaning behind it.

I’m listening, analyzing, watching mannerisms, expressions, analyzing those. Listening to speech patterns and tones while all the while analyzing the entire conversation.

I learn a lot about people this way, and about myself. That’s why one of my favorite quotes, I forgot where I got it from, is “I hear what is not being said.”

This brings me to tonight.

Tonight I was telling a story and got rudely interrupted in the beginning of the story by two of my friends who felt the need to voice their opinions as if they were facts, before even hearing the entire story.

I sat back, listened to them, analyzing everything, and waiting to see if they would be courteous enough to ask me to continue my story, but they never did. They were so high up on their self-righteous, egotistical horses, that they never came back to my story.

Some people would have found this rude, I found it a bit irritating, but mostly, I found it intriguing because I was learning so much about these people and how they think, even how they think and see me. I was learning more than I think they knew they were teaching me about themselves, which is the beauty of extrospection.

As I sat and listened, I realized that my two friends were making a mistake a lot of us make from time to time, especially in this political environment. They were mistaking their opinions for facts.

Naturally, we are drawn to information that supports our beliefs. Sadly we tend to stick with those beliefs even in the face of evidence that proves them wrong, and may even believe in them more, as a form of protest or as a defense mechanism.

In many cases, factual evidence seems to matter very little.

As I watch the political coverage, this is played out daily, but one doesn’t have to watch CNN or MSNBC to see this. We encounter this all the time, perhaps even within ourselves as I encountered with my friends tonight.

At one point when they were closing the restaurant we were at and we were the only customers left, they were still engaged in idle conversation, sipping their drinks as the staff was waiting for us to leave.

I told my friends that we should probably pick up the pace, but they told me I should just relax. I replied that I like for people to be respectful of my time and I like to respect other peoples time.

They quickly retorted that we were patrons, paying money and that they would gladly wait for us because we were given them business. They then went on a rampage that included something about the economy and the customer is always right, to which as always, I just listened and analyzed and then replied that I was sharing my opinion, not stating a fact.

They then backed off, but I realized that they were stating their opinions as blatant facts, that as long as a drink was on the table, the business should wait patiently for them to leave.

I didn’t try to elaborate on this with them, because like I stated earlier, even if I could present facts on why we should be respectful of the staffs time and leave so that they could clear the last table, I would have been met with more opinionated hostility, but why?

We all know what it feels like to be proven wrong and what that means to our sense of self and even our sense of credibility. It often gets us to question not just that one thing, but a host of our other beliefs and one thing many people are afraid of doing, and will sometimes fight to death before they do it, is to take a real examination of their self.

Many relationships fail or stall because one or both partners have different opinions and neither one is willing to reconsider, change or even tweak theirs. Instead they fight over and over about the same things, pointing the finger at each other.

These are of course largely unconscious thoughts, which make them that much more powerful. Still, stating opinions doesn’t make them right or facts.

People who are more self-confident tend to be more willing to re-examine their opinions and it’s important that fro time to time we all do this to become well-rounded, well-adjusted people who are able to have healthy relationships with not only other people, but with ourselves.

Understanding Teenage Girls: Motivations and Psychological Meanings in Relating to Males

16 Sep 2012by Torey C. Richards, LMHC6 Comments

The other night I happened to catch a television reunion of the reality show Love & Hip Hop Atlanta.

I stared at the screen in not so much as shock as pity as I watched four different women vie for the love and affection of two guys who treated them more as if they women were merely whores, and the guys were their pimps.

The guys seemed to think the heartache and embarrassment they caused these women by their ongoing cheating, lies and manipulations were funny, while the women basically said that no matter how bad they were being treated, they weren’t going to leave their “man”.

One said it was because of good sex, money and furthering her her music career. Another said it was for love and yet another said it was because she had a child with the guy.

To me, none of these were reasons to stay with a man who obviously saw them as being little more than sexual toys to be used and abused.

Still, this got me to thinking.

Working with teenage girls I am always keenly aware of some of the internal conscious and unconscious motivations that effect their decisions, especially in relation to dating, sex, and self-esteem.

As a girl learns about sex, she is also learning about other things such as giving and receiving affection, self-worth and what she means to others.

She also learns about trusting and honesty (or dishonesty) through the ways she is first introduced to sex, especially through the ways she is protected or not protected from being exploited.

“I learned about sex from my dad. I never had a chance for my first time with my boyfriend. Who knows, maybe I [would have] wanted to wait until I got married. But no, I never got to have that chance. I don’t even remember the first time… I feel it ruined my life.” -Anonymous Teenage Girl, Young Poor and Pregnant: The Psychology of Teenage Motherhood by Judith Music

Shame, fear and guilt are also valuable lessons, as they will (if she is fortunate) help her learn how to keep herself from situations and feelings that may be too painful for her to deal with physically or emotionally.

When these life lessons are learned and experienced in ways that inappropriately shape her sexuality developmentally, they are likely to have far reaching consequences through out her life in the way she perceives her world and those in it.

This effects such a major part of who she is that it also effects who she thinks she can become, what she is capable of and her ability to show and receive love as well as her ability to take control of her destiny.

For girls who grow up in disadvantaged situations, inappropriate sexual socialization is usually the final breaking point to other risk factors such as poverty, unstable family environment, fatherlessness and lack of appropriate nurturing, that already have made this girl vulnerable to men (and teenage boys) looking to exploit her.

This added with social isolation from other people (outside of her family and community) and institutions, becomes a recipe for disaster (often disadvantaged girls are only exposed to people in their immediate communities where important social services are either absent or insufficient).

Social isolation and psychological vulnerability mean that many disadvantaged young women will be controlled by their relations to men not only in the bedroom, but also in the classroom, the street and eventually even the work environment.

“The adolescent female’s sense of self in relation to males is the internal representation of her past experiences with men and- perhaps equally important- of her mother’s roles and relationships to those and other men.” -Judith Musick

It’s sad to see teenage girls who grow up with a damaged sense of self because of their past relationships to men either directly or vicariously.

These young girls often turn into teen mothers, get stuck in poverty, abused by men, single mothers with a multitude of children by different fathers, abuse drugs, or get caught up in one of various avenues of the sex world such as prostitution.

It’s important that we protect these young girls as much as possible from being exploited and abused, physically and mentally. It is also important that we help build their self-esteems, educate them and teach them the their value is priceless and doesn’t depend on a boy’s, a man’s, or anyone else opinion of her.

Emotional Detachment

27 Jun 2012by Torey C. Richards, LMHC2 Comments

I was speaking with a friend of mine today who is also a fellow counselor when we got on the subject of emotional detachment. It wasn’t until then that I had a sort of “aha moment” and realized that even just the word detachment gives me an ill feeling and saying it feels like I am saying a four letter word.

See, I have an issue with detachment, it’s one of my flaws. I often hold onto people (and things) far too long out of fear of letting go, even when letting go and detaching is exactly what’s needed to free myself and the other person.

I know from my clinical work that many other people also suffer from detaching from bad relationships, bad friends, bad family members and bad situations for many of the same reasons I do. Some people I’ve counseled are so attached to toxic relationships that they can never truly realize their potential if they don’t learn to detach. What ends up happening for me and countless others who stay in situations/relationships that they should have let go is a build up of resentment, anger, and often times decreased self-esteem and self-efficacy.

Detaching can be hard and confusing because there isn’t always a right or wrong time to do it. If we detach from a person too soon we may feel like we didn’t try hard enough to make it work or that we gave up too easily. There is often unclear lines between not trying enough and trying too hard. And sometimes there are control issues at play. We don’t detach from a person or situation because we are trying to control that person or situation. For example, a woman may have a hard time detaching from an abusive husband because she really loves him, thinks that if he just calmed down and quit drinking he’d be an awesome person, so she stays in that volatile situation trying to change/control him although detaching from him would serve her better. A man may stay with a cheating wife who disrespects him over and over because he thinks he can “make her” love him and only him.

And then there are people who detach too easily, never allowing themselves or others the opportunity to nurture relationships and situations. You have to be listen to your heart and know when it’s time to let go, even if letting go is the last thing you want to do.

Detachment to me often times feels wrong even when it’s right and that is something I have to work on. It makes me stay in bad relationships and friendships far too long thinking that detachment is betrayal and telling someone “I don’t care about you any more”. In reality, detachment is a form of self-care and we all need to know how to care of ourselves and be responsible for ourselves and let other people be responsible for themselves. Detachment is also a form of setting healthy boundaries and not allowing others to take advantage or hurt us and vice-versa.

Detachment is not a bad word or a bad thing to do when it becomes apparent that it is what’s needed. Detachment doesn’t mean that you don’t care about the other person, but that you do care enough about yourself that you won’t allow yourself to keep getting hurt, used or neglected, and that you care enough about the other person to let them go. Sometimes we have to detach ourselves from people we like or even love. Setting yourself and setting someone else free is sometimes the best gift you can give to yourself and that person.

Detachment is easier from some than for others. If you want more information on detachment and letting go, check out The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It is one of my favorite books.

Uncategorized

The Cycle of Violence, Power and Control

22 Jun 20128 Mar 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC1 Comment

Working as a counselor in a high school, I am surprised at the amount of abuse many young girls I work with have gone through. Not to mention the sexual, physical and psychological abuse many of them went through growing up, but how much of that has affected them now as teenagers.

A surprising amount of young ladies in high school, and perhaps even in middle school are involved in physically abusive relationships. Having dealt with many of these young ladies, I’ve recognized that many of them believe that if a guy doesn’t hit or get physically rough with them, then “he doesn’t really love me”. This may not make any sense to most people, but a lot of these young ladies have grown up in homes where the people who “love” them, especially the men in their lives, are often the same people who abuse them, so many of these young ladies have subconsciously equated love with violence, manipulation and fear. Also, since many of the people who these women look to for protection, they also equate physical violence with a guys ability to protect them, even if it’s the guy himself they need protecting from.

I’ve had young ladies tell me that they would break up with a guy if he didn’t hit or push her when she got “out of line” because they believed they needed a man who was strong enough to keep them “in line”. They would say, “Sometimes I get get out of control, get a smart mouth and act a fool. I need someone who can put me in my place.” In most cases, these young women grew up in families where men (their fathers’, mother’s boyfriends, uncles, older brothers, etc.) physically, sexually and/or psychologically abused them.

Earlier this year I was walking through the halls of the high school I work at and heard yelling and shouting. I turned the corner and saw a boy attacking a girl. I quickly got between them and he was enraged, evening threatening me, but I didn’t care, I was more concerned about the young lady he was attacking. He quickly told me that it was none of my business and that was his girlfriend. I stayed between them waiting for assistance and then he walked away. I asked the young lady if she was okay, and shew as crying, but said she was okay and she was tired of him hitting on her. I tried to talk to her, but then he yelled for her to come with him and to my surprise she left and went with him. I tried to stop her, and by the time other teachers and security came they had walked off campus. I was so upset with the whole situation that it took me a few days to get it out of my mind. I never got the young lady’s name or I would have called her in and offered her counseling in hopes that with knowledge and empowerment she would leave that unhealthy relationship for a better one.

Also in college I dated a girl who had been physically abused by her father to the point that she was removed from her home. Ever since then and up until we met, every guy she dated physically abused her and I mean beat her like she meant nothing to them, leaving her with bruises and bloodied lips. She never learned how to separate love from abuse once it had forged together in her head.

I find this to be very sad and dangerous and is one of the issues I work extremely hard to correct because these young ladies are putting themselves in extremely dangerous situations that if not corrected will effect them for the rest of their lives along with any children they have. Girls who grow up witnessing violence, even if it is just heard or sensed (through tension, visual cues) are more likely to date guys who will put their hands on them and boys who grow up in that same situation are more likely to think it’s okay to put their hands on women they claim to love.

It’s extremely important that if you are the victim of abuse that you get help. Check out http://www.thehotline.org or any other resources in your area. Look at the Cycle of Violence and the Power of Control wheels below. It doesn’t get better, only repeats and gets worse.

Uncategorized

The Symbiotic Relationship of Counseling and Unconditional Positive Regard

11 Jun 201211 Jun 2012by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

As another school year ends I look back at all the clients I’ve worked with during the school year and a good majority have made major changes. I’ve seen teens who could barely stay in school for a month because of getting suspended, end up having zero discipline issues for the last five months or more. I’ve seen kids with alcohol and marijuana problems minimize and some totally quit using and even more importantly I’ve seen kids I thought would take years to make positive gains make dramatic changes over a few months.

I give all my clients surveys before discharging them so that they can voice how I have helped them or didn’t help them so that I could better myself in the future and this year I became emotional as I read over some of their responses. Some kids wrote things such as

“You helped me have a better relationship with my mother”
“You helped me realize that killing myself isn’t the answer”
“You helped me learn to love myself”
“You helped me learn how to get along with my baby’s father and take better care of my baby”
“I’ve learned to control my anger and how to express my emotions”
“You helped me learn how to get along with my baby’s mother and get more into my son’s life”
“You helped me realize how valuable my life is and how stupid and irresponsible ending it would be”
“I don’t smoke or drink any more and started liking myself”

This comments really touched me and made me feel blessed to have had such an impact on these kids and they have had major impacts on me as well. I’ve learned just as much about them about patience and the importance of bringing the family into counseling whenever possible and appropriate. I look back and try to reflect on all the things and activities I’ve done with these kids and while I’ve used a lot of counseling techniques, I think the one thing that made the biggest impact is the unconditional positive regard I’ve showed these kids. Unconditional positive regard is accepting someone as they are and not judging them and I showed these kids throughout the year that I liked and accepting them despite anything they did or said. Sure they often did things I didn’t approve of, but I always let them know that it was the act that I disapproved of and not them. A lot of these kids have never had anyone they could just talk to who accepted and didn’t judge them and I think building on that relationship overtime had the greatest impact.

A lot of times I hear interns and new counselors saying that they are afraid that they are afraid that they won’t always know what to say and I always tell them that it’s okay, sometimes I don’t know what to say and so I say nothing, I just listen and show unconditional positive regard and empathy instead of not being present in the situation because I am busy searching for the right thing to say when there likely isn’t. In a good counseling relationship it is symbiotic. I learn from them and they learn from me and that is one of the things I love best about being a counselor. I learn from even the most difficult of clients and hopefully they learn from me as well.