Tag: self care

Taking Control of Your LIfe

Emotional Incest: When Parents Treat Their Kids Like Partners

by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment on Emotional Incest: When Parents Treat Their Kids Like Partners
Emotional Incest: When Parents Treat Their Kids Like Partners

There’s a particular kind of wound that doesn’t leave visible scars. It’s not the kind you scream about or even know how to name until years later, usually in therapy or during a quiet moment of reflection. It’s when your parent made you their emotional partner, their rock, their confidant, long before you even knew how to spell the word confidant.

This isn’t about physical or sexual abuse. It’s about a subtle and often invisible boundary being crossed: emotional incest.

It happens when a parent leans too heavily on a child for emotional support, validation, or companionship in a way that disrupts that child’s development.

And the worst part?

To the outside world, it looks like love.

What Emotional Incest Looks Like

Your mom tells you everything.
Not just little things. Everything. Her problems at work. Her issues with your dad. Her fears. Her disappointments. She calls you her “best friend” or says, “You’re the only one I can really talk to.”

Or maybe your dad constantly talks about how lonely he is, how he doesn’t know what he’d do without you. He vents to you about his dating life. He needs you to cheer him up, to be strong for him.

It feels like love. It’s closeness.

But it’s not the right kind.

Why It’s So Damaging

Children aren’t supposed to be emotional caretakers.

They’re supposed to be… children.

But when you’re put in that role, it changes how you see relationships, yourself, and the world:

  • You grow up too fast.
  • You become hyper-aware of others’ emotions.
  • You feel guilty prioritizing yourself.
  • You often attract relationships where you play the caregiver role all over again.

And often, you carry a deep, unspoken grief.
Because while you were being someone else’s support system, no one was being yours.

How It Shows Up in Adults

Emotional incest doesn’t always look like trauma.

It shows up in subtle, painful ways:

  • Struggling to set boundaries
  • Feeling guilty when saying no
  • Becoming the “therapist” in all your relationships
  • Fear of abandonment if you stop being useful
  • Confusion about your own needs, wants, and identity

Sound familiar? That’s not just personality. That’s survival.

What Healing Looks Like

Healing starts with naming it.
Then:

  • Set boundaries – even if they feel unfamiliar or scary.
  • Reparent yourself – give your inner child the space to be cared for.
  • Seek support – from people who don’t need you, but see you.
  • Release guilt – for prioritizing your own needs.

And most of all, remember:
It was never your job to carry their pain.

You Deserved More

You deserved to be protected, not depended on.
You deserved to play, to rest, to mess up, and still be loved.
You deserved a childhood.

If no one told you that before, let me be the first:
It was never your job to hold it all together.

What You Can Do Now

  • Talk about this openly , even if your voice shakes.
  • Seek out spaces where you don’t have to be “the strong one.”
  • Give yourself permission to rest without earning it.

Join the Conversation

Have you ever experienced this?
How did it shape the way you love, trust, or care for others?

Drop your story in the comments. Let’s make this a safe space to unpack, release, and grow together.

You are not alone.

Taking Control of Your LIfe, Therapist are Humans Too

Navigating FOG: Understanding Fear, Obligation, and Guilt in Unhealthy Relationships

by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment on Navigating FOG: Understanding Fear, Obligation, and Guilt in Unhealthy Relationships
Navigating FOG: Understanding Fear, Obligation, and Guilt in Unhealthy Relationships

Recently, I was on the phone with a good friend of mine who is a Psychiatric ARNP and we were discussing relationships when she reminded me of the term FOG, something she was introduced to when attending an event featuring Dr. Anita Phillips.

In clinical practice, it’s not uncommon to encounter individuals who feel emotionally trapped in relationships where fear, obligation, and guilt—collectively known as FOG, heavily influence their decision-making. I’ve seen this dynamic surface time and time again, both in the lives of my clients and, if I’m honest, sometimes in my own.

The term FOG was introduced by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier in their work on emotional blackmail. It describes the psychological pressure people often experience when involved with individuals who may have features of a personality disorder, or who simply engage in manipulative behavior patterns. Understanding this concept is essential when working with clients navigating boundary-setting, relational conflict, or recovery from emotional abuse.

Defining FOG: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt

  • Fear is an adaptive survival response. It’s what prepares us to react quickly to threats. However, chronic fear, particularly fear rooted in emotional manipulation, can lead to long-term stress, anxiety, and difficulty making sound decisions.
  • Obligation is closely tied to our need for social belonging. Our natural desire to contribute to our community or maintain relationships can become a vulnerability when leveraged by someone seeking control.
  • Guilt is a normal emotional response to harming or disappointing others. But in the context of manipulation, guilt is often triggered when an individual resists complying with unreasonable demands. This can make even healthy boundary-setting feel selfish or wrong.

Clinical Examples of FOG Dynamics

FOG often shows up in relational patterns that may not seem immediately concerning but carry significant emotional weight:

  • A partner threatening self-harm if the relationship ends.
  • A parent shaming adult children for not participating in family events.
  • A child or adolescent using emotionally charged language (“you’ve ruined my life”) to pressure caregivers.
  • Colleagues misrepresenting group consensus to influence decisions.

These scenarios may initially appear like typical relational conflict but can signal chronic patterns of emotional coercion when sustained over time.

The Emotional Impact

Clients who live in persistent FOG environments often present with feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and powerlessness. Over time, these feelings can contribute to symptoms consistent with learned helplessness, a state where the individual believes that no action will improve their situation. This can lead to withdrawal, diminished self-efficacy, and difficulty trusting their own perceptions.

From my perspective as both a clinician and a human being, I can attest that navigating FOG is profoundly challenging. Even those with strong self-awareness can struggle to distinguish between legitimate relational responsibility and manipulation-induced obligation. The who reason my friend mentioned FOG was to point out to me some of the reasons I stayed in a toxic relationship way to long. I did it out of fear (of leaving), obligation (feeling responsible for that persons happiness) and guilt (over a past transgression).

How to Step Out of the FOG

  1. Name It.
    Awareness is power. When you can identify Fear, Obligation, or Guilt at play, you start to reclaim control.
  2. Use the Internal Pause.
    Before responding, take a breath and ask:
    “Is this choice coming from a place of love or fear?”
  3. Challenge the Narrative.
    Ask yourself:
    “What would I say to a friend in this situation?”
    That lens can help you cut through distorted beliefs.
  4. Set Boundaries with Clarity, Not Shame.
    Saying no doesn’t make you cold. Taking care of yourself isn’t betrayal—it’s self-respect.
  5. Get Support.
    Whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or trusted friend, healing from FOG often requires safe, validating spaces where you’re not being gaslit or guilt-tripped.

Clinical Recommendations: What Helps

When working with clients (and even in personal reflection), several approaches can support FOG recovery:

  • Psychoeducation: Learning about personality disorders and emotional manipulation can empower individuals to understand the patterns they’re experiencing. I personally had to read a book on borderline personality disorders in order to get out of a toxic relationship with a former girlfriend.
  • Boundary Work: Clients often benefit from structured boundary-setting exercises that help them regain a sense of control without falling into emotional reactivity.
  • Support Systems: Encouraging clients to build networks outside of the manipulative relationship provides a necessary reality check and emotional grounding.
  • Cognitive Techniques: Teaching clients to pause and apply rational, logical thinking to emotional decisions can help them break the cycle of fear-based responses.
  • Values-Based Decision Making: Guiding clients to align their actions with their core values, rather than reactive emotions, can help them move toward healthier relational patterns.
  • Safety Planning: In cases of emotional abuse or high-stakes manipulation, helping clients develop clear safety plans, including the removal of themselves and dependents from harmful environments, is critical.

Final Thoughts

FOG can cloud judgment, erode confidence, and trap individuals in unhealthy relational loops. A a clinicians, it’s my role to help illuminate the pathways out through education, validation, and skill-building.

I’ve seen first-hand how challenging it can be to untangle fear, obligation, and guilt from genuine connection and responsibility. But I’ve also seen people, including myself, find their way out of the fog with support, patience, and compassionate guidance.

If you find yourself walking this path, know that clarity is possible. The fog does lift.

Popular Psychology, Taking Control of Your LIfe

Bed Rotting and Gen Z: A Trend, A Statement, or A Cry for Help?

by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment on Bed Rotting and Gen Z: A Trend, A Statement, or A Cry for Help?
Bed Rotting and Gen Z: A Trend, A Statement, or A Cry for Help?

Tucked away in the algorithm-driven corners of TikTok, Twitter (or should I say “X”), and Instagram, there’s a phenomenon gaining traction, especially among Gen Z: “bed rotting.” But what is it about this act that resonates so deeply with today’s youth? Is it a passing trend, a form of silent protest, or a deeper sign of the times?

Diving into Bed Rotting

For the uninitiated, bed rotting is the act of lying in bed for prolonged periods, not due to illness or physical fatigue, but often driven by emotional or mental states. While older generations might dismiss it as sheer laziness or a lack of ambition, the reality is far more nuanced.

Why Gen Z?

This generation, armed with technology from a young age, has seen the world in ways no previous generation has. From global crises to the rise of influencer culture, their worldview is unique. So, why is bed rotting becoming a “thing” among them?

  1. Overwhelm & Digital Burnout: Gen Z is the first generation to grow up fully immersed in the digital world. While this brings unparalleled connectivity, it also brings information overload, comparison culture, and a sense of never truly “switching off”.
  2. Protest Against Hustle Culture: Recently I wrote a blog post about Hustle Culture. For a generation witnessing the fallout of relentless hustle, bed rotting can be seen as an act of rebellion. A silent protest against the “always-on” mentality.
  3. Mental Health Awareness: Unlike previous generations, Gen Z is more vocal about mental health. Bed rotting can be both an expression of mental exhaustion and a plea for understanding.
  4. Isolation in Connectivity: Ironically, in an era of global connection, many feel isolated. Physical interactions have been replaced with likes, shares, and retweets. The bed becomes a safe cocoon against the paradox of feeling alone in a crowded digital space.

Beyond the Trend: Implications & Understandings

Bed rotting, whether a conscious act or subconscious retreat, has tangible implications:

  • Physical Health: Extended periods in bed can lead to health issues, from muscle weakening to sleep disturbances.
  • Mental Well-being: While it might start as a retreat, prolonged bed rotting can exacerbate feelings of isolation, anxiety, and depression.

Breaking the Cycle

Understanding is the first step. If Gen Z’s bed rotting is a statement, then it’s one we should listen to. Solutions can be multi-faceted:

  1. Open Conversations: Encourage open dialogues about feelings without judgment. Sometimes, understanding the “why” can pave the way for change.
  2. Digital Detox: Encourage breaks from the online world. Rediscover offline hobbies and passions.
  3. Redefine Success: Challenge the traditional narratives of success and achievement. It’s okay to have days of rest and reflection.
  4. Professional Help: If bed rotting becomes chronic, consider seeking therapeutic interventions.

Conclusion

For Gen Z, bed rotting isn’t just a trend; it’s a statement. It’s an embodiment of their experiences in a world that’s both incredibly connected and profoundly isolating. Recognizing it as such allows us to approach the phenomenon with empathy, offering support and understanding rather than judgment.

Popular Psychology

We All Need To Practice Emotional First Aid

by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment on We All Need To Practice Emotional First Aid

istock0000179371As a mental health professional, I have found myself spending a lot of time trying to convince people that they need to take care of themselves mentally and emotionally. Meaning, I run into people who are working two jobs, taking care of their family and everyone else around them, but are letting themselves go mentally and are getting sicker and sicker over time.

Or, I meet someone who is obviously not dealing with various issues in their lives, probably hoping that ignoring them will make them go away, but all the while they are growing emotionally unhealthy.

It reminds me of when a parent would bring a child in to see me for therapy and it would become apparent pretty quickly that it’s the parent that needs therapy, not the the child. Many times the parent would like at me as if I was crazy. They couldn’t see that their own neurotic behavior, substance abuse or even past childhood issues are creating the “problem” they are prescribing to their child.

It’s easy to tell when someone is physically not doing well, but it’s not always easy to tell when someone isn’t mentally doing well, especially when it comes to everyday things like anxiety, depression and self-esteem. Things we all deal with from time to time.

I have a sister who at one point was working a very demanding job, raising a challenging teenager on her own,  volunteering her sparse free time to multiple organizations and if that wasn’t enough, she was trying to help every friend that called and needed something from her.

On the outside she looked ambitious, energetic, like a true type A-personality. On the inside she was feeling overwhelmed, flustered and fragile.

One night, while having dinner with our family which should have been relaxing, seemingly out of the blue she had what some would call a nervous breakdown. She started crying, hyperventilating and felt as though she was going to lose control of her mind. I could look at her and tell she was having a classic panic attack, but she was too far gone to hear me and was convinced she needed medical attention.

Soon afterwards she was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and was told to cut back on the million and one things she did in her day to day life to take care of other people and to start taking care of her own mental health, something many of us don’t do enough of.

Sometimes I even catch myself too caught up in work, life and everything else and before I realize it I am dealing with some type of anxiety, insecurity or dysthmia. I have to slow down, stop myself and figure out a) where is it coming from and b) how do I take care of it. Often times for me the solution is simple awareness and acknowledgement that something is bothering me. Other times it takes journaling, reading something inspirational or processing my feelings with someone I trust. I’m usually that person for everyone, but sometimes I need someone to be that person for me.

It doesn’t always have to be something major and it doesn’t always take a therapist, but sometimes it does. Sometimes it’s simple mindfulness, meditation, or getting out and having some fun, but many of us have no real idea of what it means to administer emotional first aid to ourselves which is why I included this Ted Talk by Guy Winch: Why We All Need To Practice Emotional First Aid