work – Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Finding Purpose: The Difference 5 Years Can Make

23 Mar 2017by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

When I worked at an inner city high school, my main goals were to prevent teenagers from getting into trouble, dropping out of school, producing children and hopefully to give them tools they can use to become successful adults.

It wasn’t always easy. At times it was frustrating and even disappointing, but I showed up each day motivated and inspired.

Many of the teenagers were like I was when I was their age; lost, unmotivated and trying to figure out where I fit in. I had no one to talk to or guide me. I wanted to be that person for them.

There were times we cried together, we laughed together, even got angry with each other.

We cried over the sudden death of parents, the shooting deaths of cousins and friends, even a couple of suicides. We laughed because sometimes we had to laugh to keep from crying. We got angry with each other because I challenged them and in return they challenged me.

There were disappointments as well. Students I worked so hard with and who made so many improvements fell victim to peer pressure and ended up in trouble. Some dropped out of school, some got kicked out school.

One school year, five of the girls in my program got pregnant and I blamed myself for not protecting them better. Four of the five ended up dropping out of high school. It took my mentor at the time to remind me that I am not responsible for other people’s actions although I felt completely responsible at the time.

Mostly there were successes.

Students that were on the verge of dropping out or getting kicked out of school actually graduated. Students who had gotten a reputation as bad kids learned to control themselves and were no longer getting disciplined left and right. Other students that were labeled emotionally disturbed learned to control their emotions and behaviors. Some of the toughest, most defiant teenagers ended up being positive leaders of their class.

It was the best and most rewarding job I ever had because despite the stress and frustration that came with trying to motivate teenagers deemed unable to be motivated, there were so many emotional rewards.

I saw students who never thought about going to college asking me for help with college applications. Young men who once preferred to steal from others asking for help with job applications. Teenagers who so many thought had no future, were actively thinking about, planning and taking positive actions towards their future.

Fast forward some short years and I now work at a corrections facility. I have the same stress as I did working in the high school, only without the emotional rewards. Instead I deal with adults and juveniles who are where I was trying to prevent the kids I worked with from going.

In the jail the population I deal with is mostly those who have or claim to have a mental illness. Unfortunately most of them are manipulators and sociopaths. They don’t really want to change and most of them won’t. They want to use the system and society to get whatever it is that they want and will lie, cheat, steal and even kill to get it.

Of course there are those with severe mental illnesses. Some of them I feel should be in a treatment center and not in jail. There are homeless people that I feel like never should have been arrested in the first place. Those people I understand. Those people I will work hard for every minute of every day.

Sadly, 90% of the people I deal with are sociopaths. They will pretend to be mentally ill if it will prevent them from being housed in a certain area of the jail, make the judge or their family feel sorry for them or possibly reduce their sentences. They are not mentally ill.

It’s frustrating because I feel like part of my job is to help people realize they can change for the better. Most of these people don’t want to change. They want to get out of jail so they can go back to robbing, stealing, smoking meth and being the type of person you wouldn’t want to have to deal with.

I’m talking about child abusers, child molesters and murderers who either sit across from me crying, wanting me to feel sorry for them as if they were the ones victimized, or they couldn’t care less because they’ve already been institutionalized and going to prison for 10 or 20 years doesn’t mean anything to them.

Last week I sat across from a man who is accused of murdering his ex-girlfriend and mother of his child with an axe and all he could do was cry about his stomach hurting and the poor medical attention he feels like he’s receiving. I was disgusted, but of course I couldn’t say or show that so I just listened to him complain.

My main job is to prevent inmates from committing suicide and to offer mental health treatment to the mentally ill. My job is not to necessarily treat or expect anyone to get better. We don’t do counseling here at the jail because most people are only here for about 45 days before getting released or sent to prison and most people here don’t want counseling.

While to some degree that should be less stressful, it’s actually more frustrating because I like to consider myself an agent of change and would like to see people evolve into better versions of themselves.

Working in a psychiatric setting, I saw patients get better and get released. Working in the high school, I saw teenagers grow and change into capable young adults. Working in the jail, dealing with adults who have been in and out of the system most of their lives and juveniles who have already succumbed to the thought that they will be criminals for the rest of their lives, I don’t get to see much if any change.

Sure, I would like to think I have saved some lives here. I would like to think that I have reached some people and they will go back out into the community and be responsible. I don’t really know how much of that is true. I would prefer to be able to say that I’ve cut down on the number of people being re-incarcerated, or increased the number of people who got out and got jobs, got off of drugs or did something to be a positive citizen.

Sometimes I still think about the students I worked with over the years and hope none of them ever have to experience being incarcerated, but I know some of them have because I ran into one of my students here, 2 years later, an adult, incarcerated for stealing a car and running from the police.

I was disappointed. Not even at him, but at myself because I had worked with him so hard to prevent this. I had to once again remind myself that I am not responsible for other people. I just really hope I planted a big enough seed in the others that I will never have to come across any of them again behind bars.

So if I look happier and healthier in the other picture, it’s because I was. I felt like I was making a difference and actually saw the fruits of my labor. Sure the pay was horrible, but at the end of the day I usually left with a genuine smile on my face.

You do have to create meaning and purpose in your life and that goes with your job as well. You can’t just do a job for the money because if you lose the job, you lose the money and what would it all have been for? So I do look forward to coming to work to make sure that no one kills themselves because of lack of mental health treatment; to make sure that those who need mental health services are receiving them and that I’m educating anyone I can on mental health so that they will understand when a mentally ill inmate is actively hallucinating or in a psychotic state, that it is not just an act.

I always say that only 10% of the people I deal with in jail are truly mentally ill and the other 90% are faking in order to gain sympathy or favor. It’s that 10% that give my work purpose.

Taking Control of Your LIfe

Noxious People: Dealing, Working and Living With High Conflict People

13 Feb 201318 Apr 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC12 Comments

Unfortunately, dealing with difficult people is a part of life. They can be found everywhere from our own homes, to our jobs, which is way it’s important that we know how to deal with these difficult and high conflict people so that they don’t negatively affect our lives.

Noxious people can not only cause us to feel miserable, but they can also cost us job advancements, relationships, mental and even physical health.

Over the years I’ve dealt with my fair share of difficult and high conflict people and one of the most valuable things I’ve learned is to not take it personal.

I realized that most of the time when someone was being difficult with me, it actually had very little if anything to do with me. Sometimes these people are just difficult people and they are that way with everyone. Some people are just going to hate. That’s who they are. Don’t take it personal. Allow that person to be who they are, but that doesn’t mean they have to affect you. When you take it personally, you will not only feel bad or angry, but it will make it much more difficult for you to effectively deal with that person.

I wrote a post about not catching the ball, which means that you don’t have to catch whatever someone is throwing at you and difficult, high conflict people are always throwing their anger, hate and insanity at you. You can simply let it fly past you and drop to the floor (or someone else can catch it if they want). It’s sometimes helpful to visualize their negativity as a ball and see yourself not catching it, this way it can’t affect your emotional state.

Difficult people also hate to be told anything, even when they are wrong. They don’t like to be given negative feedback, so doing so will just stir up more resistance and a bigger conflict. Instead of making statements, try asking questions instead to try to get that person to see the errors in their thinking.

For instance, recently I was speaking on the phone with a high conflict parent, asking him to come and pick up his daughter from school, who had just had a panic attack and didn’t feel safe walking home. He didn’t see the big deal and was very angry that we were asking him to come and get his daughter who walks home everyday (yes I know, most parents wouldn’t react this way, but many parents I deal with are out of touch with their children especially when it comes to their mental health). I simply asked him, “Sir, what if she has a panic attack on the way home and falls out, hits her head or worse, gets hit by a car.” Needless to say, he came and got her.

Also, asking questions can help you turn the tables. When that parent said, “I can’t pick up my daughter” I could have said, “Who CAN pick up your daughter?”. If he would have said, “I can’t do it right now” I could have asked, “When CAN you do it?”

Also, effective communication is important. Difficult people often misinterpret what you say and will become very defensive. You have to be ready to say things such as, “That is not what I said” and “Please let me finish”.

Also, use “I-statements”. By saying “I” rather than “you”, you are taking away some of the accusation from the person and they are less likely to react negatively. For example, instead of saying, “You didn’t give me that report”, you can say, “I never received that report”.

High conflict people like to argue and sometimes no matter what you say, they will have a better idea in their opinion, that even if it is really bad, they will stick to just to be difficult. That’s why it’s important to learn to separate the issue from the person. The same works if the other person is criticizing your idea. Separate the idea from yourself, that way it won’t feel so personal.

Be assertive, not aggressive or obnoxious.

There is a difference between being passive, agressive and assertive. There is no need to be a doormat and there is also no need to be as aggressive and obnoxious as the other person may be, but it is good to be assertive. To stand up for yourself while also respecting the other person. You can state your opinion and make your points without attacking.

Since we are talking about agression, if at anytime you feel your personal safety is at stake, don’t hesitate to remove yourself from the situation and get help if needed. There is never any need to subject yourself to violence.

Lastly, difficult people have purpose in our lives. Sometimes they help us practice patience, to brain storm, control ourselves or to learn how to communicate better. Look at every encounter you have with a difficult, noxious, high conflict person, as an opportunity to practice those qualities and you will emerge a better person each and every time.

For more information on dealing with noxious people check out Noxious People: Institute of Brain Potential at www.ibpceu.com/content/pdf/NOXNCS13.pdf

Therapist are Humans Too

My New Intern…

22 Aug 201219 Aug 2012by Torey C. Richards, LMHC1 Comment

After years of dodging the bullet, my luck has finally run out. I am getting an intern.

I never wanted an intern. I like to work alone (most counselors/therapist do). I enjoy coming to work and not being responsible for anyone except myself, yet this week that’s all changing.

I’ve heard from fellow counselors that interns can be great assets if they are good, and major burdens if they aren’t. We are largely responsible for them and it can be like babysitting, so how on Earth did I get stuck with an intern?

Every few months as students approach their last semesters of graduate school, they have to complete approximately 1,000 hours of internship work. Usually when my company starts assigning us interns from the various masters programs, I just pretend to be busy and that has worked in my favor, up until last Monday.

As we sat in a meeting and met the interns I quickly scanned the room. There were six counselors including me, and four interns. I breathed a sigh of relief. Surely I would escape the curse of being assigned an intern once again.

As usual I sat quietly, doodling in my notebook in an attempt to look preoccupied and listened closely as the interns were being assigned.

I tried to rationalize why my superiors would not give me an intern.

I was the only male there and all the interns were female. Surely they wouldn’t assign me a female intern.
My office is quite small, there isn’t enough room for two people to work out of comfortably.
My school is in the inner-city and has a reputation for being rough, most of the other counselors worked out of much nicer schools in much nicer areas.

My chances seemed pretty good and they were.

We were down to one last intern, another counselor and myself. I just knew they would give the intern to the other counselor, after all she has been with the company for over 17 years. If anyone could mentor, teach and guide a new, soon to be counselor it would be her.

And they did! They did give the intern to her, but then she stated she was moving offices and didn’t think she would have room for an intern. I felt gravity pulling my face to the floor. Seriously?

And that’s how I got stuck with an intern.

After they gave me my intern, we had a short meet and greet. I was not excited and my disappointment probably showed in my face and tone as I asked her why did she want to be a therapist, did she know anything about the school she had just been assigned to, a school that has seen it’s fair share of stabbings, shootings and deaths.

Yes I know I was not being as nice as I usually am, but I was annoyed and irritated.

There’s enough things to worry about working with teenagers and the last thing I wanted to be worried about was some naive intern, whose total sum of understanding human behavior and psychology mostly comes from $200 textbooks.

Don’t get me wrong, I love text books, but from experience kids in grad school tend to think they know everything because they got an “A” in a class when in all actually, they have just begun to scratch the surface of understanding human behavior with all it’s complexities.

To my surprise she stated she prefered to work in the inner-city with kids who came from violent and impoverished backgrounds.

Okay, she gets a point for that. Most interns I’ve met come from pretty prestigious programs and believe that all their clients will be upper middle class, college educated, well adjusted individuals with simple neurotic problems that can be cured at the rate of $140 an hour.

To be fair, she seems nice enough. She’s graduating from Virginia Tech so I know she should be smart enough. Only time will tell if she is capable enough to actually work with kids who live in neighborhoods that often resemble war zones.

I definitely want to change my attitude and try not to look at her as a burden. I want to teach, guide and mentor her as someone did me when I was in her shoes five years ago. So, in a way, I look forward to seeing how this plays out. I will keep you posted.