Popular Psychology – Page 23 – Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Can We Trust Our Five Senses?

20 Mar 201322 Mar 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC6 Comments

Earlier today one of my students asked what I thought was a fairly odd question. She asked me, “How do we know we can trust our senses?”

At first I thought she was asking about senses in the terms of instinct because I have some very strong views on trusting our instincts, but she clarified that she was talking about our five senses which threw me off, but gave me something to think about.

Most of us have the five traditional senses of touch, hearing, smell, sound and taste.

There are also other senses that include sensing pain, temperature, movement, and balance. We are born with these senses. They are natures ways of helping us navigate through our world while both experiencing pleasure and avoiding pain. They help us throughout the day in small ways as well as major ones such as keeping us safe from danger.

Many times we don’t even realize how much we depend on our senses and take them for granted. Since they have been with us from birth, we tend to trust them even when they occasionally deceive us. In fact, our senses are so rarely wrong, that the times they are wrong are usually quickly forgotten and not seen as proof that our senses have failed us.

Our senses normally always do their jobs. They sense something and relay it to us, and then it’s up to our brains to make since of what our senses are telling us. Our senses are so powerful and important that they are often locked into our minds and paired with some type of memory or emotion. Some of it is in our recent memory and some of it is in our collective unconsciousness.

For instance, almost universally people around the world naturally panic or get startled at the sight of a snake. This is not a learned behavior, but seems to be passed down through our collective unconsciousness where our ancestors had to learn to avoid certain snakes if they wanted to survive. Even young primates in lab studies who have never been around other older primates or snakes before, demonstrate this natural fear of snakes. This survival instinct is imprinted in our DNA and is translated through our sense of sight.

The same goes with hearing a loud explosion. Our sense of hearing immediately make us become hyperaware and attentive. Our arousal system revs up to prepare us to either run from the noise or get ready to fight for our lives. During this and other times where we may be in danger, all of our senses come together to try to help us make sense of what is going on and what we need to do.

For instance, in the case of an explosion, not only will our hearing help direct us in the direction of the noise, but our eyes will become more keen and focused so we can try to get a better view of what is going on. Our sense of smell may be trying to figure out what odors are in the air, if they are dangerous and if they are getting stronger. Our skin will be aware of changes in temperature, such as heat to let us know if we are at a safe enough distance from the explosion or if we need to move further away. All in all, our senses exist to protect us and keep us safe.

Another example is one time I ate some bad fish that gave me severe food poisoning. It was a miserable experience that felt like it last several days. Once I got better, whenever I saw or smelled fish I automatically felt sick. My body, my senses, were reminding me that the last time I ate fish I got really sick and so they were helping me avoid getting sick again by giving me a safe reminder.

This is called a food aversion and is a way the brain uses the senses to protect us from getting sick or possibly dying. The same thing can happen when you taste something that may not be safe to eat or drink, which is why when testing to see if a gallon of milk is still okay, one of the first things most people do is smell it, they may then look at it for evidence that it’s not good and if all else fails, they will taste it.

Even with all of that, there is a chance that our senses will fail us and we drink the milk because it “checked out” and we still end up sick. That doesn’t mean that we won’t trust our senses again in the future, it just means that we may be a little wearier in trusting them when it comes to spoiled milk. However, because they are usually so consistently reliable, we are not likely to consciously second guess them the next time we smell smoke, feel a rain drop on our skin or touch something that feels too cold or hot to handle without intense pain.

Like I stated earlier, our senses are such an integral part of us that much of them are stored into and attached to our memories, which explains why someone suffering from post traumatic stress disorder may have a flashback or experience anxiety whenever they taste, touch, smell, hear or see something that reminds them of a tragic incident.

For example, a woman who was eating sausages the moment she saw her husband have a heart attack and die right in front of her, may feel sick, scared, anxious or sad anytime she sees, smells or taste sausages in the future. This is one of the times when our senses may fail us because in this example, her senses will be reminding her of the tragedy and setting off an alarm of an impending tragedy that is unnecessary.

As a matter of fact, in many instances of post traumatic stress disorder, it is our senses “failing” us in a sense. In actuality they are doing their jobs, trying to protect us and giving us warnings that make us hyper-vigilant, anxious, irritable or causes flashbacks, but they are wrong because we are not in that situation any more where we need to be ready to fight or flight. In this case, our senses are giving us false alarms.

Another time when our senses may fail us is when we smell something that reminds us of something else. Like once I was in class and there was an air freshener in the class that immediately reminded me of my dentist’s office. And there are those strange times when I think I am about to drink a Coke in a glass, but it’s really Pepsi, but my sense of taste is prepared for Coke, so when I take a sip it automatically tastes disgusting. Although I like Pepsi, my sense of taste was expecting Coke and registering the taste back to my brain as “disgusting”. It’s my brain’s way of letting me know that I am not drinking what I thought I was by using my sense of taste. As soon as I realize it is Pepsi and not Coke, the taste of “disgust” automatically goes away.

Without even one of our five senses it’s difficult for us to navigate our world safely. In a study done at the University of Gothenburg in Sweden, they found that men born without the sense of smell, a conditioned called anosmia, found fewer sexual partners than other men and women with anosmia felt more insecure in their relationships than women without the disorder.

For the most part, our senses are completely reliable. They are our natural weapons against an ever changing and perilous environment. They served our ancestors for centuries, which is why we have survived. Those who didn’t trust their senses likely died from poisonous snake or spider bites, extreme hot or cold temperatures, poisoning, fire, etc. Our ancestors learned to trust their senses, which is why we are here.

Popular Psychology

Motivating Your Unmotivated Teen Part 4: The Power of Empathy

18 Mar 201318 Mar 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC2 Comments

By now you should be fully aware that motivating your teenager is not about trying to trick, manipulate, threaten or punish them into change.

Motivation comes from having an authentic relationship with your teenager that plants the seeds for change.

What you want is cooperation instead of conflict.

You don’t want a relationship that says “I’m right and you’re wrong” as that sets the stage for conflict, but instead, you want a relationship that is about acceptance, not persuasion.

The reason is, when you are arguing, yelling and fighting with your child, you’re probably not doing much that is actually motivating them, but instead, pushing them in the opposite direction.

You also want to elicit your child’s own motivation, not try to force it into them.

It’s easy to try to dictate and educate your child into motivation and change by pointing out their faults and weaknesses. This rarely works and more often is actually counterproductive. Giving advice, especially when it isn’t solicited, just makes teens turn a deaf ear. When you are dictating, you are not listening which as we talked about in previous posts, is extremely important in helping your teen find their motivation for change.

Instead of thinking, what is my teenager motivated by, try to start thinking, what is my teenager motivated for.

Remember, we have to stop looking for external sources of motivation and start helping your teenager find internal sources of motivation. Your goal is to help your teenager find intrinsic motivation so that the motivation and change will be self-directed instead of other-directed. Other-directed change typically isn’t long lasting.

How do you do that? You do that by listening to your child, discovering and tapping into their values, goals and beliefs. You also do that by being supportive and acknowledging that your child is the person who will ultimately dictate and make the changes needed.

The Importance of Empathy

One of the ways you tap into your child’s goals, values and beliefs is by being empathetic. I’m not talking affective empathy which is all about feelings and is synonymous with sympathy, but cognitive empathy.

What is the difference?

Affective empathy sounds like this: “Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. It must have felt horrible to have failed that math test. It hurts me to see you upset like this.”

Affective empathy doesn’t usually work when it comes to motivating teenagers. It’s great in helping them feel as if you understand their feelings, but not so much their situation or for getting them to actually do something about it.

Cognitive empathy however is all about the facts. It sounds more like: “So this is your current experience, this is how you see the problem.”

Cognitive empathy is much more about listening and when you do talk, you keep it simple and just summarize what you have just heard to make sure you understood it correctly. It’s not about adding your thoughts, opinions, advice or point of view.

This type of empathy can be change-producing by itself because it helps your child realize that they have a parent that understands their situation without judging or criticizing them and at the same time, they are not being directed by you (other-directed) which is probably different than what they have experienced in the past. It allows them to become self-directed.

In cognitive empathy, you have to suspend judgement, even when your teenager is showing their immaturity, and not show that you are agreeing with or disagreeing with their perspective. You are simple listening and attempting to understand.

For instance, if your son said: “My science teacher is always picking on me which is why I am failing.” You may think this is unlikely true or why he is failing and could say, “I don’t think your teacher is picking on you, but even if that’s the case, it’s probably because you goof off in class so much.”

That statement is very unlikely to elicit any type of motivation or change in your son and is more likely to close the door of communication.

In cognitive empathy, you would take that same statement from your son and reply with something like:

“Why do you think your teacher is picking on you?” In this statement you are not taking sides, but you are letting your son know that you are listening, that you are following along with him and that you want to understand his point of view.

You can ask him how he feels and what he thinks about the situation, but don’t affectively empathize or try to tell him how he should feel about the situation.

Once again, it’s about listening. For teens to listen to you, they have to first feel as if they are being heard. None of your great, amazing, useful advice will be heard by your child if they feel like they are not being heard.

This ends our four part series on motivating your teenager. This is by no means a complete source of motivation as the topic of motivation is so vast, but if you do and work on the things outlined in this four part series, you should be well on your way to better understanding your teen and knowing how to help guide them to discovering what motivates them without you driving yourself crazy trying to motivate them yourself.

For more information I recommend Motivational Interviewing, Preparing People for Change by William R. Miller Phd and Stephen Rollnick Phd, and http://www.behavior-coach.com/EbookMotivatingVer3.pdf

Popular Psychology

How Young Is Too Young For Students To Discuss Sexual Orientation

15 Mar 201317 Mar 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC7 Comments

Here in central Florida there has been an ongoing debate about how young is too young for students to discuss sexual orientation at school, especially when that orientation is different than the perceived norm.

Bayli Silberstein, a student leader at Carver Middle School in Leesburg, Florida wants to create a gay-straight alliance (GSA) at her school to combat ongoing bullying. “The bullying at our school has gotten out of hand, and somebody needs to do something about it,” stated Bayli.

While to me this sounds like something positive and something that should have been supported, the principal immediately shot it down and county administration put up a resistance so tough that they threatened to disband all groups if they had to in order to keep the GSA from being allowed to form.

They are taking so long to deliberate on allowing the GSA to form, while groups such as the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, an explicitly Christian organization, has been supported for years.

The fact that the administrative body is taking so long to deliberate on letting the GSA form, to me is even further evidence that groups like the GSA are needed. If the kids who are in need of support don’t feel supported by the very administration that is supposed to support and protect them, how are they supposed to feel supported and protected among their own student body?

Under the Equal Access Act, schools can not pick and choose which groups to allow to form on campus based on what they think students should and should not discuss:

“schools may not pick and choose among clubs based on what they think students should or should not discuss. If a public school allows any student group whose purpose is not directly related to the school’s curriculum to meet on school grounds during lunch or before or after school, then it cannot deny other student groups the same access to the school because of the content of their proposed discussions. The Act specifically provides that a school cannot deny equal access to student clubs because of the ‘religious, political, philosophical, or other content of the speech at such meetings.’”

GSAs are student organizations that are made up of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender students and their straight allies. The groups purpose is to advocate against bullying, discrimination and harassment.

Theyare made up of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) students, along with straight supporters, who advocate for putting an end to bullying, harassment, and discrimination against LGBT and other students.

According to a 2009 survey by the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education network, “84.6 percent of LGBT students reported being verbally harassed, 40.1 percent reported being physically harassed and 18.8 percent reported being physically assaulted at school in the past year because of their sexual orientation.”

A lot of the bullying that goes on against LGBT students have Christian beliefs and teachings at it’s source and Christian groups are almost always very supported on school campuses.

Here in Florida, the ACLU has been successful numerous times over the years in helping students form GSAs on school campuses.

For example, in 2008 in Okeechobee, Florida, a judge ruled that schools must provide for the well-being of gay students and cannot discriminate against the GSA. The ACLU of Florida also succeeded in helping students at Booker T. Washington High School form a GSA after initial efforts were fought against by the administration.

At the high school I work at there is no GSA or LGBT clubs and it’s not because administration hasn’t allowed it, but because students haven’t attempted to form one. I think this is largely because sexual orientation is not discussed, yet admittedly, it appears to be pretty accepted on campus. Many of the LGBT students I talk to are “out” and have never told me they felt uncomfortable or bullied on campus.

While working on this post, I spoke with a 15 year old, openly gay student who says he knew he was gay in elementary school, but only really knew in middle school. He personally thought that having a GSA in middle school was too soon because he thought too many people were still unsure of their sexuality, but he also admitted that having a GSA in his middle school would have helped him with issues such as bullying and coming out to his family.

On other school campuses and in middle school in particular, being a LGBT student is likely much more difficult for several reasons.

Often times, school administration and school board members are not comfortable with the thought of students discussing sexual orientation. They are also often uncomfortable with discussing acceptance and respect for students of different orientations.

However, discussing topics that are uncomfortable, out in the open, is how change gets started, not by censoring students to avoid discomfort. That’s how the culture of secrecy and bullying is allowed to flourish.

Motivating Your Unmotivated Teen Part 3: The Stages Of Change

14 Mar 201314 Mar 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC2 Comments

All changes has both negative and positive consequences, which is why it is normal for people to want to change and not want to change simultaneously.

That is the hallmark of ambivalence.

Indecisiveness is a natural part of the change process and something that often drives parents crazy when they are trying to move their teenager in a certain direction that may seem like the obvious better decision to them.

It is natural however to be ambivalent about change, to be hesitant and unsure if the change is worth making.

For example, while doing better in school may allow for a teen to have more freedom at home, get better grades and improve their chances of going to college, the extra time spent studying may come at the cost of less time available to spend with friends, for after school activities or with a boyfriend and that may determine if the cost outweigh the benefits in the teen’s mind.

That’s why it’s important to know that teens may both want to do better and at the same time, not want to do better and are probably unaware of this ambivalence. The indecisiveness has to be resolved in order for the teen to see the value in the change, or little to no improvement is likely to happen.

Helping your child resolve the ambivalence may be all that is needed. By having a relationship with your child that allows open, non-judgmental communication and acceptance, the indecisiveness may be resolved on it’s own which may be all that’s needed to get the teenager to reflect on their situations and decisions.

The Stages of Change

When change happens it’s not usually on motion, instead it usually happens in five stages, identified in Motivational Interviewing through research done by James Prochaska as pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action and maintenance.

1. Pre-contemplation:

In pre-contemplation, the teen hasn’t given any consideration to change. They see no reason to change. They don’t see a downside to their current situation, so the thought of changing hasn’t even entered into their head.

Trying to force change when your teen is in the pre-contemplation is a battle you are not likely to win, and may even sabotage motivation and the possibilities of change.

Dennis Bumgarner, ACSW, LCSW finds it helpful to ask “what if” questions when your teen is in the pre-contemplation stage, such as, “What if your grades improved?”, “What wouldn’t be different?”, “What will happen if things continue in their current direction?”, “What would be different if you did improve?”

During pre-contemplation, you want to ask questions that don’t take a particular position, but questions that get your teen to think and this thinking is what is going to move them to the contemplation phase.

When your child starts considering making a change, remember that they are still considering making the change, so fight the urge to push them too hard or start making plans for their future or they are likely to pull back.

2. Contemplation

At this phase, your teenager is considering the pros and cons of changing. They are thinking, “Maybe I should do something about my current situation.” It’s easy for parents to get overly excited at this point and start helping the teenager make plans for what they need to do to make the changes. This push may be too much and cause your teen to not move forward.

Instead, ask questions that continue to get them thinking and reminds them that you are not the expert. You are here to listen to them, hear what they are thinking and not to offer or force your opinions. You are merely being an agent of change.

Ask questions instead of making statements. Try to avoid offering advice, but instead listen as your teen contemplates making a change.

You do not want to tell your teenager how to change or try to try to make them change at this point, but what you are doing is sparking their intrinsic desire for change. Remember, intrinsic motivation is more powerful and long lasting than extrinsic motivation, so this is what you want to elicit in your teen by guiding them to and allowing them to find their own motivations for change.

3. Preparation

At this phase, thanks to your guidance, your teenager has worked through much of the ambivalence. He or she has decided to start making some changes. Perhaps they have met a study buddy, signed up for the ACT or asked a teacher for extra help. They are literally preparing to make a change.

Once again, it’s easy at this stage to get overly excited and pushy, but don’t. Instead, allow your child to make the preparations and resist the urge to help unless asked, and even then don’t over do it. Show interest and ask questions that are genuine, but not questions that appear to be to intruding and critical.

The contemplation and preparation phases are considered to be the most important part of the change process and it’s easy to sabotage your teen’s motivation at this point by going back to old ways of dealing with their unapproved behavior.

It’s natural for people to go back and forth between preparation and contemplation, and so it’s easy for parents to see this as a sign that their teen is unmotivated or unwilling to change.

Instead of looking at this as a negative, understand that it’s a natural part of the change process as what may appear to be a simple change to you may be worth considerable contemplation by your teenager.

Don’t be frustrated or judgemental, but allow your teenager space to prepare for the change at hand. Continue to support them through genuine questions and as always, listening to their thoughts.

4. Action

At this stage, your teen is actually making the change. They are actually studying, doing homework, going to all their classes, whatever the change may be. They may from time to time revert back to one of the earlier stages, but for the most part, they are making steady change and progress.

At this stage, parents are thrilled that their teen is making better choices and that’s natural, but refuse the urge to become a cheerleader. Remember, this change is not about you, but about your teenager. It’s okay to ask them what has this successful change been like for them, and that simple question is saying a lot.

Your teen may stumble as they continue to find their way through this change and that’s okay. Don’t jump in to redirect them unless they ask for it.

It’s very important that they do this on their own so at the end of the day they will know that they were responsible for making a positive change in their life and they can do it again and again.

Helping them build self-efficacy is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give to a child.

5. Maintenance

When your child has maintained the change for six months, they are in the maintenance stage. You are very proud of the changes your teenager has made. There is likely less arguing going on and more peace in the house as you have made successful efforts in motivating your teenager!

Next post we will discuss key concepts of motivation including goals and empathy.

Popular Psychology

Motivating Your Unmotivated Teen Part 2: Understanding Change

12 Mar 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

In part one we started discussing the importance of having a good relationship with your adolescent in order to help facilitate motivation and change.

Often times, too many parents try to motivate their child instead of developing motivation as a function of their relationship with their child. That means that you have to serve as a source of motivation in someway.

You can’t expect your teenager to want to do something different if you haven’t demonstrated motivation and change behavior in your own life, or if your efforts to motivate them include constant nagging and criticism.

Sometimes that is all that is needed, for a teenager to be in a relationship with other people that are inspiring.

For example, I have a running partner who is a much better runner than I am, yet running with him has motivated me. He encourages me sometimes, but for the most part, I run to not disappoint him and because I enjoy his company. In the process, I became a better runner which motivated me to continue running. The key factor in that is the relationship with my running partner that helped start the process and the motivation to continue it.

It would have been nearly impossible for me to find motivation in our running relationship if he was always cancelling or if he showed up just to show me up. The same principles apply for parents trying to help their teens find motivation. They have to have a motivating relationship.

Motivation Is Change Oriented Movement.

That is the simplest definition of motivation. This definition focuses on motivation as a matter of change that is directed towards behavior, not thinking. When it comes to motivation, it’s often more important to focus on changing the behavior and not the thinking, but changes in thinking generally follow changes in behavior. But why do people change? What makes people, especially teenagers, decide to do something different? What factors and circumstances have to come into place to facilitate change?

Why Do Adolescents Change?

Many people believe that people change to avoid discomfort. Often however, unpleasant feelings and experiences actually decrease the chances of someone taking action, which is another reason punishments often don’t have the long term effect they were intended to have.

There are three conditions that need to be in place for change to happen:

1. The change has to be associated with intrinsic value.

Even external consequences that have intrinsic value can work, but the teen has to find intrinsic value in the change in order for it to occur and be long lasting. You have to have a relationship with your child that allows you to discover what is intrinsically valuable to your child. Trying to do that through punishments and groundings is usually futile.

2. Your teen has to be able, willing and ready to change.

This is where a lot of parents fail, not understanding that their teenager won’t change until they are capable of making the change, are willing to make the change and then is willing to make the change. You can not push your teenager into making a change they are unwilling or not ready to make, all you are going to get is defiance and discord.

Change can not be forced on anyone, no matter how important you think the change may be or how much it makes sense. Change will only come when your teenager is willing, ready and capable of making the change required.

3. The teenager has to be in a safe, empowering and accepting environment.

Your teen’s primary environment is their relationship with you, which means you have to provide a safe, empowering and accepting relationship if you want to see your teenager make positive changes.

The number one factor in providing this type of environment/relationship is having unconditional positive regard, where your teen can feel free to express their thoughts and emotions without criticism. This doesn’t mean that you will tolerate uncivil or inappropriate behavior from your child, but it does mean that you will not try to change their thoughts.

Communication is also key in developing the type of environment necessary for change.

This means having open, non-judgmental conversations about the problem and sometimes this alone can be enough to facilitate the motivational and change processes. This can be hard for parents to do because they are used to talking, dictating and teaching, when listening to their teenager is often more productive.

Your teenager wants to be listened to. Dictating to them what they need to do is usually a sure way to kill motivation, not induce it.

Accept your teenager for who they are.

By accepting your teen for who they are, you make room for motivation and change. If however, you criticize your teen for who they are, they are more likely to actually feel unmotivated to make any changes you would like to see them make. Acceptance facilitates change, but it doesn’t guarantee it.

Acceptance doesn’t mean that you approve of your teenager’s behavior, it just means that you are not going to criticize or judge them. There is a right time for useful criticism that we will discuss in another segment.

Next post we will discuss indecisiveness and the stages of change which are important to understand when trying to understand the change process.

Motivating Your Unmotivated Teen Part One: Understanding Motivation

11 Mar 201312 Mar 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

The other day while counseling a fifteen year old boy with very little motivation, failing grades and a poor attitude that is driving his mother crazy, I found myself thinking, how can I motivate him to care about his life and future.

I realized immediately after I had that thought that I was making a critical error in my thinking, one that millions of parents make every single day. I was trying to figure out a way to motivate this young man, to make him want to change, when in actuality, we can’t make anyone change.

The subject of change is a very interesting one, as we all change multiple times throughout our lives and usually know when change is needed, but when it comes to working with adolescents, they often seem unwilling to change even when we as adults know that making a change for the better would be beneficial to them.

This young man’s mother had tried many different things to make him change, including giving him incentives like allowances or extra time playing his video games, to punishments such as taking away privileges and scolding him.

She has made the same mistakes that many parents make.

External Consequences Rarely Work

Applying external consequences works on some adolescents, but not on all, and even when they don’t work, parents continue to try them and are frustrated when they don’t work.

Think about the high recidivism rate among criminals or the way countries like Cuba and North Korea seem to thumb their noses at the world even in the face of increased sanctions. External consequences, positive or negative, rarely work.

If you have been trying punishments or rewards with your adolescent and aren’t getting the results you were hoping for, it’s time to start thinking about doing something different.

Talking Sense Into Them

Another thing parents often do that can backfire is that they hound their adolescent, trying to lecture them into change. Usually it’s with good intent, but lectures can actually have the opposite effect of what they were intended to do.

When parents lecture their teens, they tell them how smart they are, how talented they are, etc., yet if the teen doesn’t believe this about him or herself, they are usually going to think that their parents either:

don’t really know them, which means that their parents will lose some credibility with their teen, or
the teen will feel even worse for wasting their talents or intelligence and become even less encouraged and motivated.

Think about listening to a motivational speech. They usually motivate you for a short while or they demotivate you, making you feel incapable of accomplishing what you are being told you can.

These external influences work even less if the teen is already unmotivated, overwhelmed, disheartened, demoralized or anxious in the first place when it comes to school and/or their future.

Instead of lecturing, it’s good to listen more to what your adolescent values, feels and thinks about themselves and what they want. By listening more, you will learn and understand your teenager better so that when you do talk to them, you won’t come off as patronizing.

You Can’t Motivate Anyone or Make Anyone Change

Over the years I’ve helped many adolescents change, stop using drugs, start making better grades and even graduate and go off to college, but I can’t say I motivated or changed any of them.

I know that what is going to motivate the young man I am working with, just like the teens I’ve helped in the past, isn’t going to come from me. I know that I can only help to facilitate change and motivation, but I can not make him change or to become motivated.

Like most parents, his mom thought that she could motivate him to change. That if he got motivated, he would do the work, but that is not how motivation tends to work.

We rarely get motivated and then do something, but instead start doing something, like the outcome of what we are doing and then get motivated to continue doing it.

Think about when you are cleaning your house or trying to lose weight.

You may “feel” motivated to clean or lose weight, but usually once you see the house start looking a little cleaner, or the weight falling off, you get motivated to continue. That’s where the bulk of the motivation comes from. We do something and then get motivated.

For instance, if I waited until I was motivated to workout, I would rarely workout. More than half the time I don’t feel like working out, but I force myself to go to the gym and once there, I usually find motivation from seeing other people working out, or once I start my work out I just feel motivated to workout harder.

Your teenager may not be motivated to study, but if he or she sees their grades go up from studying, they will probably become motivated to continue studying.

Doing Something Different

So I know that I can’t motivate this young man and his mom had been trying unsuccessfully for years to motivate him. What we can do however is to try getting him to do something different that will hopefully inspire motivation from within.

Intrinsic motivation is far more powerful and long lasting than extrinsic motivation.

Parents often waste a lot of time trying to get their teenagers to change the way they think, and I too often do the same as part of cognitive behavioral therapy, but when it comes to motivation, this isn’t usually the most effective way to bring about change. Instead, what we want to do is try to change their behavior, at least to get the desired behavior started in hopes that doing something different will elicit motivation and thus change the way they think.

You never know where motivation is going to come from.

I once asked a teenager to try to study for one hour a day and one hour only (he had been studying none at all). By studying one hour a day, he managed to get a “C” on an exam when he had gotten “D’s” and “F’s” on all previous exams. His teacher then complimented him on his “C” and so did a girl he liked. He then started studying more than an hour a week and his grades rose to “A’s” and “B’s”.

His parents were elated at my “ability to motivate” their son, but I knew that all I did was move him in the direction of the desired behavior and the motivation came from himself and his world. Once he saw the results of his behavior, the motivation followed.

It’s important to have the type of relationship with your teen that encourages motivation. We’ll discuss more of that in part two as well as understanding change and the conditions that facilitate change in teenagers.

note: when I discuss the topic of teens, I often say parents, but this applies to anyone who has a teen in their life, no matter if they are family members, students or if you are a mentor in anyway.

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My Week In Review: 3.4-3.8.13

8 Mar 20138 Mar 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

I haven’t blogged as much this week as I would have liked to.

I usually start a blog post sometime early in my workday and work on it periodically throughout the day when I have time, but this week has been extremely busy making finding time to write a post even more difficult than normal.

There’s been the usual teenage drama coupled with dealing with a student who had been jumped by about 15 other students after school and then his grandmother and mother tried to break it up. Somehow one of the students who was engaged in attacking the mother’s child was stabbed with a box cutter by either the mother or the grandmother. He’s okay, but it made the news and they did their usual 60 second segment about bullying and violence.

The whole incident was caught on a residence’s security camera and you can clearly see two students being attacked, pushed down, punched and kicked by a mob of other teens. I am not condoning someone being stabbed, but in that instant, I can see why a parent or grandparent would resort to stabbing someone in order to keep their child from being beat to death. The whole incident is still under investigation, but as far as I know, all of the students are still currently on campus because the incident happened in the community and not at school.

I wish the news would have said more about bullying as it seems like these kids had been targeted by this group for one reason or another. I am also worried about the psychological affects this is having on the two students who got jumped and still have to come to school with the people who jumped them. The student that got stabbed was apparently the main instigator and from what I am hearing is a pretty big bully. His wounds are very superficial and I have little remorse for him. I am in the process of trying to work with both the bullies and the victims in this case, but until the investigation is complete I don’t have full access to them.

On top of that, I had another young girl sent to my office after she took a pregnancy test that came back positive. She’s 17 and a junior in high school. She wasn’t distraught and scared about being pregnant or becoming a mother, she was rather calm about that aspect leading me to think that she wanted to become a mom in the first place, although she denied that. She was more afraid of how her mother would react because her own sister, an 18 year old high school student, got pregnant and had a baby at 13, when she was just in middle school.

Her mother also gave birth as a teenager, so this is a cycle that her mom was hoping to break by not allowing her 17 year old daughter to date. She wanted her to focus on school, go to college and be different than her, her sister and other women in their family and community.

This however seemed to have backfired since her 17 year old daughter dated anyway, hiding her boyfriend from her mom and sneaking around. Because she was afraid to tell her mom that she had a boyfriend, this may have prevented them from having conversations about safe-sex and pregnancy prevention.

On top of that, psychologically speaking asking someone, especially a young girl, to be different from the people she loves and spends the most time with is very difficult. Most of the time, if even subconsciously, young girls want to feel connected with and similar to their female family members and peers. If they are all raising children, it’s hard for her to want to be different as being different would set her apart and perhaps away from the people she loves and identifies with the most. Which psychological makes sense that although this young girl had an opportunity to be “different”, she has chosen not to.

Also, this young girl has babysat her sister’s son, who she adores, for the past five years, since she herself was only 12, which according to Judith Musick, author of Young, Poor and Pregnant, may push some young girls into having their own child since they feel like they are already taking care of someone else’s kid.

The bottom line is, this young girl is pregnant by a 20 year old man who’s family she has never met and he has never met her family. Her family is extremely poor, her mother’s unemployed and trying to take care of not only this student, but this students sister and her sister’s son. Now there will be another child to include in an already struggling household.

The most time consuming and touching case I had this week was a young girl who started telling me she believed her sister’s husband, who lives with her family, had touched her while she was sleeping. She went on to tell me about several occasions over the past five years where he had molested or raped her, but she was too afraid to say anything. She was only now talking because her younger sister had recently confessed to her that had had been molesting and raping her as well, which broke her heart and made her feel guilty about not telling someone earlier.

I always take sexual abuse cases seriously, but also with a grain of salt because I’ve worked in this field long enough to know that people will lie about being molested in order to seek revenge or for other gains.

However, the level of detail and emotion in this young girl’s accounts made me believe that she was absolutely telling the truth.

I immediately walked her over to the school resource officer’s office so she could make a police report, and I also contacted child protection services. Her case is now under investigation and her sister’s husband is no longer allowed to be in the same house or near her during the investigation.

This same young girl I had been dealing with before for anxiety issues that at the time seemed generalized, but as she told me about the molestation and rape, her anxiety issues made more sense and dealing with this issue and the emotional scars that come with it is likely to help reduce her anxiety also.

I have no ideal what’s going to happen with her case. I’m anticipating being contacted by child protection service investigators and sheriff detectives any day now, but more importantly, I’m looking forward to helping this young lady get through this the best way she can so that she comes out of it psychologically healthy and stronger.

Popular Psychology

Maslows Hierarchy of Needs And Why Some Students And Schools Are Failing

26 Feb 20138 Mar 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC6 Comments

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is based on Dr. Abraham Mallow’s research and hypothesis. It describes the stages we all need in order to become fully functioning and responsible adults moving towards reaching the highest possible achievements humans can accomplish.

Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

The hierarchy is broken down into five needs:

Self-Actualization
Esteem
Love/Belonging
Safety
Physiological

The physiological needs is all the basic needs someone needs to survive such as food, water, air, homeostasis, excretion, and health.

The safety and security needs include security of: body, resources, morality, family, health, stability and protection. At this level, all of the child’s physiological needs have been taking care of and they are interested in finding safety, such as from strangers. At this stage, a child develops a need for limits, order and structure. This is also the stage were fears and worries develop. The child may start fearing the dark, strange noises in their bedroom, or being kidnapped.

At the love and belonging level, the child needs others to love and support them, including family and friends. They need a sense of family stability in order to invest emotionally in others. If at this stage, it appears that no one loves or is stable enough to show a lasting commitment to the child, they may find it difficult to build future relationships or to even love themselves. This is also the stage where loneliness and social anxieties can develop.

At the esteem level, the child is searching for feelings of self-worth, confidence, achievement, mastery, respect of others and respect by others. One one level, they may want status, a reputation and appreciation, and on a higher level they will need respect for their self, which is believed to be more important than respect for others. This is where some sense of independence and freedom start setting in, as well as potential issues with self-esteem and inferiority.

The four levels thus far mentioned were considered by Maslow to be deficiency or instinctual needs, meaning that if a child was deficits in any of these four needs they will be highly compelled to fulfill those needs. If however, all of a child’s needs are fulfilled at this level, they are free to move on to what are considered growth needs.

The growth needs are grouped under the level of self-actualization. They include needing to know and understand. This is what develops a child’s cognitive potential and is the level schools want each child to operate on. At this level, the child is able to listen, participate actively in discussion, attune, explore their thoughts and make meaning of the world around them.

At this level, the child appreciates symmetry, order and beauty. As they continue to grow, they become a fully functioning individual able to accept responsibility for their own life. They are well on their way to achieving their full potential and becoming the person they were meant to be. In the educational system, this is the main goal, to help children develop this part of their selves and nurture further growth in these areas.

The problem is, while schools in good areas with students from good neighborhoods usually function at this level, this is not the reality for many inner-city and impoverished students and communities. At good schools, students usually have had all of their four basic needs have met, while at poor, under-performing schools, many students haven’t had their basic needs completely met.

Often times the failing of many inner-city schools and students is blamed on teachers, when this is not always the case. I’ve been working in inner-city schools long enough to know that the teachers that work there are usually some of the most dedicated, educated and caring professionals you could ever hope for, but students still fail in large numbers.

When you look at the students, especially when you get to know them, you can see why failing schools are not always about teachers or the administration, but about the four basic needs that are not being fully met. These four basic needs have to be fully met in order for a child to even begin to truly gain benefits from being in school and a standardized educational system.

Many of these kids come to school starving or hopped up on foods that are full of sugar, but lack nourishment. They live in inconsistent homes and frequently either move or are bounced between relatives, and many live in dangerous environments from the home itself to the surrounding neighborhood. How then can we expect them to free their minds and focus on school when their basic needs aren’t even met?

Imagine a student starving becasue they didn’t get enough to eat the night before and didn’t get breakfast, yet they are supposed to focus and concentrate on an exam. When they do poorly, they are considered either a bad test taker, or the teacher is accused of being an inadequate educator.

Many of the kids in the inner-city high school I work at are simply surviving. They are trying not to get shot, attacked by people in their neighborhoods, kicked out of their home or help their parent pay the rent anyway they can.

One girl I spoke to came to school everyday with a knife because many girls in her neighborhood had been attacked by men and she was terrified she would get kidnapped, raped and killed walking home from school. It’s easy to think that this should motivate her to do well in school so she can get herself out of this type of neighborhood, but because her basic needs aren’t being met, she’s hyper-vigilante and anxious throughout the day with her mind pretty much on any and everything else except education.

I feel the frustration myself many times when I am trying to give a client the information and skills needed to overcome obstacles put in their way either by themselves or someone else, and they can’t truly grasp, let alone use the tools I am giving them because their basic needs haven’t been met and they are still stuck and starving for esteem, love and belonging, safety or physiological needs. I have to realize that much of what I am saying may be lost until they are able to attune and function on the higher levels of self-actualization.

Students and schools in these inner-city neighborhoods are compared to and expected to perform as well as students from schools and communities where their every basic needs are already met and they are free to focus on to the higher levels of self-actualization.

This is not to say that students can’t achieve some level of self-actualization although their basic needs aren’t fully met. I see that everyday, levels of extreme resilience where a homeless student who’s parents are in and out of jail is excelling in school, yet this is rare and one could only imagine how much more that student would be able to achieve if their basic needs were met and they were free to focus more energy on self-actualization, morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, etc.

These inner-city schools are usually the ones that need funding the most, but because they are often under-performing, they usually lose funding. This is something I never understood. “Failing” schools lose funding and “A” schools get more money. When funding is cut, social workers, counselors and psychologist are usually the first to be let go, even though they are the ones in the trenches helping these children work through their deficiency needs.

This goes to show that many people, especially those higher up who make the big decisions on education and legislation, are clueless about the realities facing many school children in our country. It becomes far too easy to blame failing students and schools on teachers and administrations, who are often working harder and under difficult situations compared to teachers from better performing schools with better funding and support.

To effectively make changes, it’s not about moving under-performing students to better performing schools, or putting different, “better” teachers and administration in under-performing schools, but investing more in rebuilding poorer neighborhoods and families with psychological, social, emotional and educational supports. This of course takes more work and takes longer, but I truly believe the benefits are far more reaching and lasting.

Abnormal Psychology, Popular Psychology

Childhood PTSD AND Trauma: Part 1

22 Feb 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC2 Comments

Imagine a four-year-old child found covered in blood, lying over her mother’s naked, dead body, whimpering incoherently. She’s witnessed her mother being raped and murdered, and her own throat had been cut, twice in an attempt to leave behind no witnesses. She’s alone with her mother for approximately eleven hours before she is discovered.

After being hospitalized she is released as a ward of the state and put into foster care with no follow up treatment for the trauma she experienced.

How will she go on through life with those images etched in her mind? How will she survive psychologically? How will her mind protect her from such traumatic experiences?

This story is unfortunately a very true story, one of several stories of childhood trauma that can be found in the book, The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavaitz.

Tragedies like this occur across our nation and the world everyday, leaving behind sometimes physical, but always emotional and psychological scars.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a condition that 30 or so years ago was reserved only for soldiers who had experienced traumatic events at war. It was later recognized that rape survivors, people who had been through terrible accidents or natural disaster, also exhibited symptoms of PTSD including flashback, hyper-vigilance and avoidance behaviors.

When it came to children however, the mental health and medical fields were slow to realize the impact of trauma on their lives.

Children were thought to be naturally resilient and would “bounce back” without the aid of any type of support or treatment. Those same children who had experienced trauma would often later develop psychiatric problems, depression and attention issues that would sometimes led to medication.

We know now that children who have live through tragedies, are just as affected as adults, perhaps even more so. This is evident in the great way the mental health community around the nation responded to the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy.

What Causes PTSD?

PTSD can occur in anyone who has lived through an event in which they could have been killed or severely hurt or where they witnessed someone else getting killed or severely hurt. These can include violent crimes, physical or sexual abuse, someone close to them committing suicide, car crashes, shootings, war and natural disasters just to name a few.

Approximately 40% of children by the age of 18 will experience a traumatic event, which includes the loss of a parent or sibling and domestic violence. In the United States, child protective services receives an estimated 3 million reports of abuse and neglect yearly, involving approximately 5.5 million kids. About 30% of all those cases show proof of abuse:

65% neglect
18% physical abuse
10% sexual abuse
7% psychological (mental) abuse

This of course doesn’t include the estimate 66% of child abuse cases that are never reported.

The Likely Hood Of PTSD Developing

Girls are more likely than boys to develop PTSD symptoms. Approximately 3-15% of girls and 1-6% of boys who experience a trauma will develop PTSD. The chances of developing PTSD are higher depending on the type of trauma experienced. Some of the risk factors for PTSD include:

How severe the trauma was
How the parents react to the trauma
How close or far away that child is from the trauma

Of course children who go through the most severe traumas have the highest level and severity of PTSD symptoms. Incidents where people are hurting other people such as assault and rape, tend to result in PTSD more frequently. Children who have healthy support systems tend to have less severe symptoms.

The age of the child during the traumatic experience doesn’t seem to effect rather PTSD symptoms will develop, however PTSD looks different in children of different ages.

What Does PTSD Look Like In Children Ages 5-12?

children may not have flashbacks or problems remembering parts of the trauma like adults with PTSD often do.
Children might, however put the events of the trauma in the wrong order.
They might also think there were signs that the trauma was going to happen and thus they think that they will see these signs again before another trauma happens.
They think that if they pay attention, they can avoid future traumas which can lead to hyper-vigilance.

Children around this age may also show signs of PTSD during their play. They may keep reenacting part of the trauma. For instance, a child who has seen a shooting may want to play video games involving shootings or carry a gun to school.

Teens (ages 12-18)

In teens, some of the PTSD symptoms may be similar to those of adults including flashbacks, reoccurring nightmares about the event, hyper-vigilance and exaggerated startle responses. Teens are more likely than children or adults to show aggressive and impulsive behavior.

What are the other effects of trauma on children?

Other effects of trauma on children from PTSD comes from research done with children who have been through sexual abuse. They include:

fear
worry
sadness
anger
feeling alone and apart from others
feeling as if people are looking down on them
low self-worth
not being able to trust others
undesired behaviors such as aggression, out-of-place sexual behavior, self-harm, and abuse of drugs or alcohol

For many children, PTSD symptoms go away on their own after a few months. Yet some children show symptoms for years and possibly a lifetime if they do not get treatment.

How Is PTSD Treated In Children?

For some children, the symptoms of PTSD will go away on their own with healthy supports and when they aren’t being re-traumatized by anxious parents or the media. For others, they may need professional help including:

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy such as Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Psychological first aid/crisis management
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)
Play therapy
Special treatments may be necessary for children who show out-of-place sexual behaviors, extreme behavior problems, or problems with drugs or alcohol.

What Can You Do To Help?

Educated yourself on PTSD and pay attention to your child for signs such as anger, avoidance of certain places and people, problems with friends, academic changes and sleep problems. If you need professional help, find a therapist in your area that treats PTSD and that your child feels comfortable with. Where to Get Help .

Sources: The National Center for PTSD

Popular Psychology

My New Client: Coincidence or Predestination

19 Feb 201317 Feb 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC1 Comment

How is this for coincidence or predestination? The other night when I was going to the gym (which is located in a community center), I saw a girl I had seen around the high school campus I work at, sitting in a chair, drenched in sweat, struggling to breath.

I waved at her, and she didn’t respond. I watched as who later turned out to be her father and cousin helped her to her feet and out the door to their car.

I turned to one of the workers and asked what her name was and what had happened. They gave me her name and said she had just had an asthma attack. Although that should have been the end of it, the expression on her face when I saw her told me that it wasn’t just an asthma attack and I made a mental note to check on her the next day.

The next day, as soon as I got to work at the school, I got a phone call from a friend and fellow counselor referring a young girl to me who had been brought to the psychiatric hospital she works at the night before, but was released after a few hours. The young girl she was talking about happened to be the same young girl I saw the night before at the community center.

As I had suspected, her asthma attack was no asthma attack, but a panic attack and her family had taken her to the nearby psychiatric hospital for help. Apparently, the girl was dealing with a handful of stressful issues that the counselor making the referral thought I would be able to help her with.

That day I had a full schedule with students who had made appointments to see me, as well as two anger management groups to facilitate and the usual chaos that comes with working in an inner-city high school, so unfortunately seeing this young lady fell down my list to the end of the day.

When I finally got to call her out of class, her teacher informed me that she had already sent the girl to my office because she didn’t “look good” and had been acting “strange”. When I hung up the phone with the teacher, the young girl was already standing at my door.

To me, these were all signs that I was meant to work with this young lady; from seeing her at the community center, to the phone call that morning, to the the fact that as I was calling her out of class, she was already being sent to my office.

We spent the next fifty minutes discussing the issues that had her feeling anxious and stressed. They were mostly a bunch of family and relationship issues and she almost had a panic attack right there in my office, but I was able to teach her a quick and easy breathing technique that helped prevent a full blown attack. I also walked with her down to the clinic, just to make sure she was medically okay. I gave her a homework assignment that will help her start recognizing the thoughts that are causing her to have anxiety and the triggers for her panic attacks.

That was our first session and we will have many more to go, but I feel good about the therapeutic relationship we are building and the progress we will be making. In the brief time we spent together, I learned that a lot of her anxiety and stress comes from faulty and irrational thinking which I hope to help her undo over the next few weeks.

I find it amazing how this has all come together, and maybe it’s just a coincidence, but it almost feels predestined. I’m just glad to be in a position to try to give her the help she needs.