bullying – Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Childhood Bullying Can Have Lasting Psychological Affects

18 Aug 2016by Torey C. Richards, LMHC2 Comments

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It’s back to school time again and while parents are gearing up and are excited about the new school year, I thought it would be a good idea to remind everyone about childhood bullying.

Often bullying is seen as a normal part of growing up, almost as a harmless rite of passage, but we have all seen what bullying can do to some children.Think about the stories that have been in the news such as the boy who committed suicide. In 12 of 15 school shootings in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.

These of course are extreme examples, but countless studies continue to show that childhood bullying can cause long-term psychological damage in some individuals.

In a study published in JAMA Psychiatry, a network publication of the American Medical Association, victims of bullying had an increased risk for anxiety disorders and suicide later in life.

The study showed that for some individuals, even when they grow up and are no longer being bullied, the psychological damage is still there and can affect the rest of their lives. That’s why it’s so important to address and stop childhood bullying early in order to prevent future problems.

Kids Who Are Bullied Often Have:

changes in sleep and eating patterns
loss of interest in activities they once enjoyed
health complaints
decreased academic performance
higher risk of dropping out of school
a higher rate of family hardship
were 2.7 times more likely to suffer from generalized anxiety disorder
3.1 times more likely to suffer from panic disorder
4.6 times more likely to suffer from agoraphobia
had increased risk for depression

Bullying doesn’t just affect the victims either.

Kids Who Bullied Were:

4.1 times more like to end up diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (which can lead to increased risk of incarceration and delinquent behavior)
Abuse alcohol and other drugs in adolescence and as adults
Get into fights
vandalize property
drop out of school
Engage in early sexual activity
Have criminal convictions as adults
Abuse romantic partners, spouses, or children as adults

What About Sibling Aggression?

While parents are usually alarmed to find out that their child is being bullied at school, they often dismiss the bullying that is going on right under their roof. Stopping bullying at home is just as important as stopping bullying at school.

While sibling aggression is often seen as harmless or even good in order to “toughen up” a child, a study done by the American Academy of Pediatric suggests that kids bullied by their siblings end up showing some of the same psychological damage as children bullied by their peers.

It is important that bullying to recognized and stopped early at school, at home and even online in social media when possible.

So as parents are getting excited about the school year, lets not forget to be on the lookout for or ignore childhood bullying. We have lost too many children to the affects of bullying and are creating too many adults who are psychological damaged from what may have been seen as harmless behavior.

Popular Psychology

Day of Silence

19 Apr 201318 Apr 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

Did you know that today is the Day of Silence? If you didn’t know, don’t feel bad because I was just educated about this last year by some of my students.

What is the Day of Silence? The Day of Silence is a nation wide, student led movement to bring attention to anti-gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) bullying, harassment and name calling in schools.

Students across the nation from middle schools to colleges take a vow of silence to represent the silencing effect bullying and harassment has on LGBT students and those believed to be LGBT.

The event is sponsored by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN). Student use their vow of silence to speak up against anti-LGBT bullying and harassment.

I spoke with some of the LGBT students in my school who are planning on participating in the Day of Silence and they are all extremely passionate about it. All of them have been bullied, harassed, felt ostracized or misunderstood in someway and all want to stand up to against those who choose to treat them different from other people just because of their sexual orientation.

Many of them have gotten their straight friends to also participate in the Day of Silence by wearing duck tape (they chose red) around their mouths and not speaking all day. That’s a powerful statement and one I support wholeheartedly.

Often LGBT teens and young adults feel so alone. This show of solidarity and support is extremely positive.

While students are encouraged to remain silent throughout the day, GLSEN doesn’t encourage classroom disruptions and makes amends for students to talk in class if a teacher insist that they answer a question. However, they also encourage students to talk to their teachers ahead of time for more positive and understanding results.

The day is supposed to be a positive educational experience, not a day of interruption. It’s a silent protest against the harassment and bullying that causes way too many LGBT students to miss school, have poor self-esteem and substance abuse problems, and even attempt and complete suicide each year.

I wrote a previous post about how young is too young to discuss sexual orientation which talks about the importance of the Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) and other support groups on campuses for LGBT students and those who support them. The Day of Silence is a powerful way to help other students and school administrations recognize the needs of LGBT students.

The Day of Silence doesn’t stop at the end of the day. GLSEN hopes that those who participate in it will continue to draw attention to the plight of the LGBT student body and community in positive ways and encourages schools to implement solutions that address anti-LGBT bullying and harassment.

GLSEN recommends schools:

Adopt and implement a comprehensive anti-bullying policy that enumerates categories such as race, gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation and gender expression/identity.
Provide staff trainings to enable school staff to identify and address anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment effectively and in a timely manner.
Support student efforts to address anti-LGBT bullying and harassment on campus, such as the formation of a Gay-Straight Alliance.
Institute age-appropriate, factually accurate and inclusive curricula to help students understand and respect difference within the school community and society as a whole.

I know first hand from working with many LGBT students the painful affects that bullying, harassment and name calling can have, especially when they feel like they can’t voice their concerns to other heterosexual students, adults, teachers and their parents.

I encourage all of us, even if we can’t participate in the Day of Silence, to find one way we can stand up against bullying and harassment in any form, against any person, even if it’s as simple as intervening when we see it happening instead of watching in silence.

Popular Psychology

How Young Is Too Young For Students To Discuss Sexual Orientation

15 Mar 201317 Mar 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC7 Comments

Here in central Florida there has been an ongoing debate about how young is too young for students to discuss sexual orientation at school, especially when that orientation is different than the perceived norm.

Bayli Silberstein, a student leader at Carver Middle School in Leesburg, Florida wants to create a gay-straight alliance (GSA) at her school to combat ongoing bullying. “The bullying at our school has gotten out of hand, and somebody needs to do something about it,” stated Bayli.

While to me this sounds like something positive and something that should have been supported, the principal immediately shot it down and county administration put up a resistance so tough that they threatened to disband all groups if they had to in order to keep the GSA from being allowed to form.

They are taking so long to deliberate on allowing the GSA to form, while groups such as the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, an explicitly Christian organization, has been supported for years.

The fact that the administrative body is taking so long to deliberate on letting the GSA form, to me is even further evidence that groups like the GSA are needed. If the kids who are in need of support don’t feel supported by the very administration that is supposed to support and protect them, how are they supposed to feel supported and protected among their own student body?

Under the Equal Access Act, schools can not pick and choose which groups to allow to form on campus based on what they think students should and should not discuss:

“schools may not pick and choose among clubs based on what they think students should or should not discuss. If a public school allows any student group whose purpose is not directly related to the school’s curriculum to meet on school grounds during lunch or before or after school, then it cannot deny other student groups the same access to the school because of the content of their proposed discussions. The Act specifically provides that a school cannot deny equal access to student clubs because of the ‘religious, political, philosophical, or other content of the speech at such meetings.’”

GSAs are student organizations that are made up of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender students and their straight allies. The groups purpose is to advocate against bullying, discrimination and harassment.

Theyare made up of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) students, along with straight supporters, who advocate for putting an end to bullying, harassment, and discrimination against LGBT and other students.

According to a 2009 survey by the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education network, “84.6 percent of LGBT students reported being verbally harassed, 40.1 percent reported being physically harassed and 18.8 percent reported being physically assaulted at school in the past year because of their sexual orientation.”

A lot of the bullying that goes on against LGBT students have Christian beliefs and teachings at it’s source and Christian groups are almost always very supported on school campuses.

Here in Florida, the ACLU has been successful numerous times over the years in helping students form GSAs on school campuses.

For example, in 2008 in Okeechobee, Florida, a judge ruled that schools must provide for the well-being of gay students and cannot discriminate against the GSA. The ACLU of Florida also succeeded in helping students at Booker T. Washington High School form a GSA after initial efforts were fought against by the administration.

At the high school I work at there is no GSA or LGBT clubs and it’s not because administration hasn’t allowed it, but because students haven’t attempted to form one. I think this is largely because sexual orientation is not discussed, yet admittedly, it appears to be pretty accepted on campus. Many of the LGBT students I talk to are “out” and have never told me they felt uncomfortable or bullied on campus.

While working on this post, I spoke with a 15 year old, openly gay student who says he knew he was gay in elementary school, but only really knew in middle school. He personally thought that having a GSA in middle school was too soon because he thought too many people were still unsure of their sexuality, but he also admitted that having a GSA in his middle school would have helped him with issues such as bullying and coming out to his family.

On other school campuses and in middle school in particular, being a LGBT student is likely much more difficult for several reasons.

Often times, school administration and school board members are not comfortable with the thought of students discussing sexual orientation. They are also often uncomfortable with discussing acceptance and respect for students of different orientations.

However, discussing topics that are uncomfortable, out in the open, is how change gets started, not by censoring students to avoid discomfort. That’s how the culture of secrecy and bullying is allowed to flourish.

Taking Control of Your LIfe

Noxious People: Dealing, Working and Living With High Conflict People

13 Feb 201318 Apr 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC12 Comments

Unfortunately, dealing with difficult people is a part of life. They can be found everywhere from our own homes, to our jobs, which is way it’s important that we know how to deal with these difficult and high conflict people so that they don’t negatively affect our lives.

Noxious people can not only cause us to feel miserable, but they can also cost us job advancements, relationships, mental and even physical health.

Over the years I’ve dealt with my fair share of difficult and high conflict people and one of the most valuable things I’ve learned is to not take it personal.

I realized that most of the time when someone was being difficult with me, it actually had very little if anything to do with me. Sometimes these people are just difficult people and they are that way with everyone. Some people are just going to hate. That’s who they are. Don’t take it personal. Allow that person to be who they are, but that doesn’t mean they have to affect you. When you take it personally, you will not only feel bad or angry, but it will make it much more difficult for you to effectively deal with that person.

I wrote a post about not catching the ball, which means that you don’t have to catch whatever someone is throwing at you and difficult, high conflict people are always throwing their anger, hate and insanity at you. You can simply let it fly past you and drop to the floor (or someone else can catch it if they want). It’s sometimes helpful to visualize their negativity as a ball and see yourself not catching it, this way it can’t affect your emotional state.

Difficult people also hate to be told anything, even when they are wrong. They don’t like to be given negative feedback, so doing so will just stir up more resistance and a bigger conflict. Instead of making statements, try asking questions instead to try to get that person to see the errors in their thinking.

For instance, recently I was speaking on the phone with a high conflict parent, asking him to come and pick up his daughter from school, who had just had a panic attack and didn’t feel safe walking home. He didn’t see the big deal and was very angry that we were asking him to come and get his daughter who walks home everyday (yes I know, most parents wouldn’t react this way, but many parents I deal with are out of touch with their children especially when it comes to their mental health). I simply asked him, “Sir, what if she has a panic attack on the way home and falls out, hits her head or worse, gets hit by a car.” Needless to say, he came and got her.

Also, asking questions can help you turn the tables. When that parent said, “I can’t pick up my daughter” I could have said, “Who CAN pick up your daughter?”. If he would have said, “I can’t do it right now” I could have asked, “When CAN you do it?”

Also, effective communication is important. Difficult people often misinterpret what you say and will become very defensive. You have to be ready to say things such as, “That is not what I said” and “Please let me finish”.

Also, use “I-statements”. By saying “I” rather than “you”, you are taking away some of the accusation from the person and they are less likely to react negatively. For example, instead of saying, “You didn’t give me that report”, you can say, “I never received that report”.

High conflict people like to argue and sometimes no matter what you say, they will have a better idea in their opinion, that even if it is really bad, they will stick to just to be difficult. That’s why it’s important to learn to separate the issue from the person. The same works if the other person is criticizing your idea. Separate the idea from yourself, that way it won’t feel so personal.

Be assertive, not aggressive or obnoxious.

There is a difference between being passive, agressive and assertive. There is no need to be a doormat and there is also no need to be as aggressive and obnoxious as the other person may be, but it is good to be assertive. To stand up for yourself while also respecting the other person. You can state your opinion and make your points without attacking.

Since we are talking about agression, if at anytime you feel your personal safety is at stake, don’t hesitate to remove yourself from the situation and get help if needed. There is never any need to subject yourself to violence.

Lastly, difficult people have purpose in our lives. Sometimes they help us practice patience, to brain storm, control ourselves or to learn how to communicate better. Look at every encounter you have with a difficult, noxious, high conflict person, as an opportunity to practice those qualities and you will emerge a better person each and every time.

For more information on dealing with noxious people check out Noxious People: Institute of Brain Potential at www.ibpceu.com/content/pdf/NOXNCS13.pdf

Does Your Teen Lack Empathy?

25 Jan 201325 Jan 2013by Torey C. Richards, LMHC6 Comments

I’ve been working with a fifteen year old male for the past few months who has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit/Hyper Activity Disorder (ADHD) and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).

He was referred to me because his mother was frustrated with his behavior. He was argumentative, physically aggressive, disobeyed rules and punching holes in his bedroom walls.

After a few sessions his physical aggression and property damage pretty much stopped, but he still had major problems following home and school rules and basically disobeyed his mother repeatedly, although not as violently as before.

His mother, was pleased about the decrease in aggression, but she was still frustrated with the fact that she had to repeatedly ask him to do his chores and often he would blatantly refuse to do anything until he was ready, which was usually never or until his mother was red in the face and hoarse from yelling at him.

It was during an exercise I was doing with him about the impact of his behavior on others, that I realized that part of his problem, besides his diagnoses of ADHD and ODD, is that he lacks empathy. He doesn’t really understand how his behavior impacts other people, especially his family. I had him list certain incidents where he got in trouble, and he wrote things like, “I didn’t do my chores”, “I stayed out past my curfew” and “I didn’t wake up on time for school”. When I then asked him to tell me how his behavior impacted his mother, his sister and/or his father, he replied “I don’t think it did” despite the fact that all those things had everyone in his family upset with him.

It became clear to me that in order to help change his disruptive behavior, I had to also teach him how to be empathetic.

Many people in the scientific community believe that teens lack the ability to be empathetic because the part of the brain that allows us to have empathy for others, the medial prefrontal cortex, is not fully activity in the teenage brain. Adults are much better at analyzing how their decisions will affect themselves as well as other people, which explains why some teens (and adults with empathy problems) make some very stupid decisions with little thought to how their decision will impact other people.

Research also shows that teenagers tend to have a harder time with, and take longer to recognize emotions expressed on other peoples faces.

Developmentally, adolescence are at a stage where things are largely about them, they are very self-centered and so empathy isn’t their strong suit. Yet, I know there are many empathetic teens, I see and work with them everyday. It is true that many teens have a hard time empathizing and the internet probably isn’t helping, as we can go to YouTube or a number of other sites and see people getting beat up, falling, or in a number of other uncomfortable, embarrassing situations, and view it as entertainment, instead of empathizing with the person. It’s possible that being exposed to those videos and images overtime, deadens our ability to be empathetic by desensitizing our neural circuits and this may spill out from the virtual world to real life.

The good news is, empathy can and should be taught. The younger, the better, but it’s never too late

Some Ways You Can Teach Empathy To Your Child

Develop a good relationship with your child that nurtures their emotions. Research shows that children who have parents that help them cope with their negative emotions in loving, solution-oriented ways, are more likely to show concern for other children.
Treat your child as an individual with a mind of his or her own. Talk with them about emotional and mental states and teach them how their thoughts influence their feelings and behaviors.
Model healthy emotional behavior and empathy towards others. This is a very effective way to teach your child empathy and take the time to check in with their feelings and show empathy during everyday life, such as while watching television together.
Give them the language to express themselves appropriately by teaching them how to use “I Statements”, such as “I felt angry when the other driver cut me off”. You can also teach them reflective listening skills which will help them label their feelings. You can model this by asking questions like “You seem down today, did something happen at practice?” This will help your child recognize their feelings as well as help them learn how to express them.
Help them discover what they have in common with other children. People tend to be more empathetic toward people they feel are similar to them, which is one reason whenever I start a new support group, the first activity I do is a game called, “I Have Something In Common With…”. The game basically elicits empathy for others in the group through showing that no matter how different they may seem from each other, they all have somethings in common with each other.

Teaching your child how to be empathetic, is like turning their mirrors into windows, where they can look out beyond themselves and put themselves in other peoples positions It’s also good to give your children opportunities to show empathy and to give through volunteering, helping a neighbor, etc. Children who are empathetic tend to develop into better adjusted adults with less interpersonal problems than children who aren’t empathetic, and tend to have multiple issues relating to other people, including bullying, antisocial traits and cruelty to animals.

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Political Bullying: What Are We Modeling to Our Children?

18 Aug 2012by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

As the political season heats up, I can’t help but to notice that the ads seem to get nastier and more personal, so much so that it takes me back to some of the countless meditations I’ve done with high school students and initially I couldn’t understand why, but then it hit me, these campaign ads are reminding me of bullying.

Just like a lot of the bullying that goes on around school campuses across the nation (and now across the internet via sites like Facebook and Twitter), these politicians are often attacking each others characters, credibility and other qualities.

Unlike the bullying I see on school campuses, this type of bullying is different, and yet similar. It’s different in that it is much more of a sophisticated type of bullying, but it’s similar in it’s purpose and even worse, it is bullying that is played out across the nation, on television screens several times a day for millions to see, often during the times our young and impressionable children are watching.

These kids may not care about either candidate, and they may not even realize what they are witnessing, yet they are being exposed, often several times a day, to a form of bullying that they may subconsciously model, especially in situations where they want to make themselves look better than someone else, rather in their social circle, sports or even in running for high school level campaigns.

Two adults bullying each other may sound ridiculous, but that is exactly what politicians do all the time. John Mica, who won the Republican primary House District 7 acknowledged that during a brutal campaign, he was severely affected by the mean spirited ads and statements made not only about him, but his family and integrity.

Although many political analyst believe that negative campaigns are necessary as they tend to get more voters attention than positive campaigns (what does that say about our Nation), at the end of the day I am concerned about how much of that negativity and mean spirited attention truly affects us.

As the campaign season continues to play out and ads are likely to get even more cruel, don’t just turn a blind eye to your child sitting there as it interrupts their television show. You may want to change the channel, or better yet, use it as a teaching and bonding opportunity to discuss with your child anything from bullying, the state of the Nation, the economy, to your political views. After all, they are likely getting all that anyway from watching the campaign ads, just that the information they are getting is likely tainted and smeared in figure pointing and character bashing.