Celebrate Yourself in 2023

2 Jan 2023by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

Last year I achieved a major accomplishment. I trained hard for several months and competed in a Jiu Jitsu competition I had wanted to compete in for years. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and forced myself to out in front of hundreds of strangers, my team and my coaches and compete. And you know what? It was great! I came in second place, I felt good about myself, and I was proud of having put myself out there to compete with some younger guys. That whole night felt magical… until I got home.

When I got home it was like someone had let all of the air out of my balloon. My significant other didn’t even ask me how it went and when I told her, she didn’t seem to care. There was no celebration. I felt heartbroken. Although she knew how hard I trained and how nervous I was for this particular event, she did not acknowledge it at all once I got home. I felt a little defeated. I realized that something that meant a lot to me meant absolutely nothing to her and while ideally, our friends, family and significant others would want to celebrate our accomplishments, at the end of the day they may not totally understand what it means to us, so we have to be able to celebrate ourselves regardless of if others want to celebrate with us or not.

How Do You Learn To Celebrate Yourself

Unfortunately, many of us do not know how to celebrate ourselves. Some of us don’t do it out of fear of appearing conceited or boastful. Many of us have even been taught to not celebrate ourselves, but it’s important to recognize and celebrate our achievements, especially for ourselves, but it may even encourage or inspire others as well.

You can start by celebrating small achievements. Many of us like to wait until we accomplish a big goal before we celebrate, but often times those big goals take along time to achieve and we can get discouraged along the way. That’s why it’s important to celebrate the small accomplishments as well. Let’s say that your New Years resolution is to lose 50 pounds. You don’t have to wait until you lose all 50 to celebrate. You can celebrate losing five pounds, then ten or even celebrate when you make it through a whole week sticking to your diet and/or exercise plan. Those little celebrations can help motivate you to keep going and accomplishing your goal.

Start small.

Even if you don’t have any big goals coming up, it is good to get into the habit of reflecting back on your accomplishments at the end of the week. Did you clean that garage? Did you meet your steps goals more days than not? Did you cut back on sugar like you had planned? Sometimes you have to celebrate things such as just making it to the gym on a day when you really didn’t want to go, or writing a few sentences on a day when writers block felt particularly crippling.

Ways to Celebrate Yourself

Give yourself a break. Take a day off work and do something special just for yourself. That may mean lying in bed binge watching your favorite TV show, hanging out with a friend you haven’t seen in a while, enjoying a nature walk or all three. Just make sure whatever you do is for you. If you can’t carve out a whole day, carve out a couple of hours. Get a babysitter and give yourself some “me time” or turn off all of your electronic devices and enjoy an hour to yourself.
Share your success with others. You can celebrate privately or you can share your accomplishments with others. Yes, some of your friends may not care that you lost 5 pounds this week, but I am willing to bet that many more of your family and friends would love to hear about your accomplishments and are willing to be supportive. Share your accomplishments rather it’s privately with a few close friends and family or on social media and accept the compliments. Remember, sharing an accomplishment you’re proud of is not bragging or boasting.
Dress up to celebrate yourself. You don’t have to be going anywhere special, but the way we dress can influence the way we feel. If we want to celebrate ourselves, sometimes it’s good to dress the part. You don’t have to save your fancy clothes or the clothes that make you feel special for those special occasions when celebrating yourself is a special occasion. This is one way I used to privately celebrate myself and yet everyone I came in contact with would notice and some would even ask what the special occasion was.
Buy yourself something special. I’m a big proponent on buying gifts for myself. Celebrate yourself by buying yourself something you want and if it’s something that may cost a lot of money, celebrate yourself buy saving towards it. It could be a new pair of shoes, a trip to Vegas or something as simple as a book you’ve been wanting to read. I celebrated myself last month by buying myself a watch I really wanted but knew no one else would ever by me.

I really hope this year is full of joy, love, good health and many celebrations for you!

Taking Control of Your LIfe

Achieve Your Goals Using the GROW Coaching Model

1 Jun 2022by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

This morning I worked with a patient who unfortunately ended up in the hospital after a near fatal suicide attempt. Honestly when he first came in I didn’t think he was going to make it because his condition was so grim, but over the past several weeks he has made a miraculous recovery although he still faces a long uphill battle.

Today he was given some frustrating news that he is likely going to have to have another surgery after he thought he was done having surgeries. I could hear in his voice that he was upset that this will prolong his hospital stay (he is no longer suicidal, realizes how lucky he is and wants to be home with his family dearly), but also with each surgery there are risks of more complications and possibly even death.

I sat with him, listened to his concerns and offered words of encouragement and validated his feelings. I also reminded him of all the love and support he has of his wife and children. That’s when I decided it would be helpful for us to use the GROW coaching model to help get him through the feelings of hopelessness and negativity he was staring to express as he contemplated on goin through with the surgery or not.

What is the GROW Coaching Model?

GROW stands for goal, reality, options and way forward (or will do). It’s a simple and powerful tool that many business leaders, life coaches and therapist use, but with a little practice, anyone can use it at anytime to help them achieve their goals.

The fist thing is to figure out what is your goal. Your goal should be a SMART goal, meaning it should be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and timely.

GOAL

This patient stated that his goal is to get well enough to return home with his family as soon as medically possible

REALITY

He acknowledged that while his goal is to get home to his family, the reality is that he is currently stuck in the hospital, still fighting to recover from what should have been an non-survivable injury.

OPTIONS

Looking around the room that his family had decorated with beautifully handmade get well cards and family pictures, I actually told him that he had no other options but to get better, but of course in reality he does. and together we processed those

He mentioned he could refuse to have surgery which would likely worsen his condition and possibly lead to death or more permanent brain damage
He could talk to the medical team for a better understanding of what the surgery entails along with it’s risks and benefits so that he would feel more comfortable making a decision either way
He could have the surgery, which while it comes with risks, has far more potential benefits of helping him recover

Way Forward

Lastly we came up with a plan based on his goal, the reality of his current situation and his options.

He decided he would talk to the medical team and voice his concerns about the surgery

Personally, I wanted him to chose to have the surgery as I think it is the best option, but I’m not the one having the surgery and it’s not my job to give him my opinion. My job is to help guide him to make the best decision possible based on the information available and I think his choice to postpone the surgery until he has a clear understanding from the medical team is the best decision for him.

Once he has met with the medical team I’ll see what his decision is and help him through that as well.

The beauty about using the GROW model to help figure out goals is that you can use it everyday for small goals or use it as for major, life changing goals.

Recently using the GROW model helped me realize that a plan of action one of my clients had was really not going to help him achieve his goal and we were able to use the model for him to see it for himself without me having to directly point it out which was great. This not only helped him achieve his goal, but also saved us a lot of time in helping him to achieve it.

Try the GROW model out for yourself. I personally use it regularly and find it extremely helpful and efficient.

Taking Control of Your LIfe

Letting the Dead Die this Easter (2021)

4 Apr 2021by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

Nine years ago, I wrote a post entitled Letting the Dead Die this Easter and since it was so long ago, I thought I’d rewrite and expand on it since a lot has happened over those nine years.

Holding on to Dead Stuff

One of the reasons we get cheated out of living our best lives is that we tend to hold on to too much dead stuff. Dead relationships, dead jobs and dead dreams for example.

This Easter, the resurrection, no matter what religion (or no religion) you believe in, can have significant meaning for all of us. Perhaps you are married to something that is dead or holding on to a dream that is dead. Too many of us are holding on to death while trying to live.

Letting Dreams Die

Many of us have dreams that need to die. It’s not the most pleasant thought, but holding on to a dream that will never come to fruition holds us back from realizing the dreams that can and have already come true. It can’t happen until you let that dream die. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have dreams or fight for those dreams, even when they seem impossible, but sometimes we have to readjust the way expect that dream to come true.

For example, I have a client in his early fifties who has always dreamed of living in foreign exotic countries. He thinks about it pretty much every day and gets depressed when he realizes he’s not currently living that dream. At this moment, for him living that dream isn’t really practical. He has family obligations that are keeping him anchored in one place. My advice to him was to stop dwelling on the fact that he wasn’t currently living his dream because he was missing out on the beautiful life he has right in front of him. I told him he could still travel to and take vacations to those places and even study the languages of the places he wants to live. This particular dream doesn’t to die, but he does have to let go of the idea that it’s going to happen today or exactly how he had imagined it.

Another example is that some people say that they want to be doctors or lawyers, but they don’t like to read and they hate school so they are currently doing other jobs that don’t require much education and are still saying that they want to be doctors and lawyers. Of course if they decided they really wanted to apply themselves, thy could be whatever they wanted to be, but the reality is, they don’t want to be doctors and lawyers bad enough to make the sacrifices. They need to let those dreams go and create more realistic dreams based on the things that they enjoy doing, value and are willing to work hard to make come true. Otherwise they’re going to continue to be stuck doing menial, unsatisfying jobs while telling everyone around them they want they plan on being a doctor or lawyers.

Letting Relationships Die

A new great romantic relationship can’t happen until you let your old relationship die. You’re tied to something dead. Since I wrote this in 2012, I’ve had to let several relationships die. One was with someone I’d dated in high school and into my early adult years. After we broke up we remained friends, but it wasn’t a healthy friendship, it was almost parasitic on her part and it damaged and threatened any new relationship I tried to have with another woman. As much as it hurt, I had to let that relationship die if I wanted to have the chance of building something with someone more compatible.

A year later I did meet someone great, but that relationship also turned toxic and as much as I wanted it to work out eventually things go so bad that I knew I had to let that relationship go and force it to die. It was hard, just like letting any relationship or dream die because I saw so much good potential in it, but the reality was the bad outweighed the good and I would just get dragged through the mood trying to hold on to that potential.

More recently, I had to let a friendship go. I was friends with someone and we were just growing in totally different directions. I try to be healthy and workout and he likes to smoke and drink all day while partying all night. We started to have less and less in common and it got to the point were I dreaded hanging out with him. I found myself canceling plans we made or if I didn’t cancel I was glancing at my watch the whole time waiting for our evening to be over. He isn’t a bad guy, or even a bad friend, but in my opinion, he brought no added value or joy to my life. I could think of a dozen things I’d rather to doing then hanging out with him including doing nothing at all. I was forcing myself to be in a friendship I should just let die and by letting it die, I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulder and like I had got back just a little more time to do the things I enjoy doing.

Letting Jobs Die

I know a lot of people who waste years at dead end jobs. Jobs that they hate, jobs that don’t utilize their talent, creativity or intelligence. They just show up, some for decades and they’re not happy, but they’re not miserable enough to leave. Working in a correctional setting I have met guards who hate their jobs, feel like they’re basically baby sitting adults and yet they will come show up for the next 20 years so they can retire and they will complain about it for the next 20 years. I personally can’t leave like that. i’ve definitely been in jobs I should have left long before I did and there’s many reasons behind that, but for me, the biggest reason is fear of the unknown. Your current dead end job may be comfortable, even if it’s not stimulating or making you happy. Your dream job may require taking more of a risk, learning something new, putting yourself out there where you don’t know if you’ll fail or not. So it’s safe to stay at your dead end job, even if it’s slowly killing you inside.

Your dream job might be right around the corner, but it’s hard if not impossible to get to it if you are holding on to your dead job.

What’s in Your Life that Needs to Die?

This Easter, and periodically afterwards, I want you to examine what is it in your life that needs to die. Perhaps you need to let some guilt die, fear die or something from your past you’re still holding on to… let it die.

Maybe it’s a fantasy. Maybe you’re holding out for the perfect person and you’re missing so many other terrific people because you won’t let that fantasy die. This Easter is all about resurrection. Let what is dead go so that you can make room in your life for everything that is waiting to be raised.

Easter represents the the new life we all can find by living in the truth. Let what needs to die die so that this Easter Sunday, and everyday forward, you can be free to be all you were meant and born to be.

Popular Psychology

In Order To Make Big Changes: Start Small

4 Dec 20184 Dec 2018by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

When it comes to changes, most of us want to make big changes and see big results almost instantly. That’s why so many New Years resolutions and even regular goals fail. We only see the big picture and often get lost in all the effort it will take to see those changes.

What we should do however is focus on the little things. If we want to lose 30 pounds we can go on a crash diet that may work for a while only to see those 30 pounds plus some come back when we stop the diet, or we can start small by reaching for a glass of water instead of that soft drink, walking for 10 mins a day or adding more vegetables to our next meal instead of foods high in carbs.

If we want to save money we can get frustrated with the amount we want to save and how little extra money we feel like we have to put towards that savings, or we can decide to put away an extra $10 here or there, to cancel that subscription to Spotify or to start bringing our lunch to work or cooking at home to save money.

In both scenarios, before you know it, because it didn’t take an extraordinarily amount of effort, you will be inching towards your goals and likely will have found the motivation to increase your efforts, even more.

Think about the stories we hear of successful basketball players like Kobe Bryant who spend hours in the gym shooting free throws or three pointers just so when they make the “big shot” in the game it’s really just a series of small things that have come together.

Recently I watched a documentary on body builder and 8 time Mr. Olympia Ronnie Coleman. For years he competed, but never won the Mr. Olympia title until one night, just before the show, with hesitancy, but with the urgency of another body builder, broke his routine. He was encouraged to relax, to have a drink and even eat some pizza. He was simply encouraged to not be so serious. The next morning he woke up and won the Mr. Olympia for the first time and he said he believes it was because he was so relaxed and allowed himself to have fun. Something so small ended up changing his life.

We all have changes we want to make and many people do not make those changes because they get lost in the totality of it all. Start small, put one foot forward and then the next. Before you know it you will have reached a goal you may have thought impossible or at least have gotten yourself further than you ever thought you could.

Popular Psychology

Big Dick Energy

17 Sep 201817 Sep 2018by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

Big Dick Energy (BDE) as the Urban Dictionary defines it is having confidence without cockiness. It apparently originated from Arianna Grande’s deleted tweet which stated that her fiancé has a 10-inch penis and the confidence that goes along with knowing you have a big penis.

Fortunately for most of us who do not have a 10-inch penis, having BDE has nothing to do with penis size or even having a penis at all. The beauty about BDE is that anyone can have it, male or female and practice having it if they don’t already. You can create the kind of BDE that draws people to you and makes them wonder why you have so much confidence. That’s part of the allure of BDE. People don’t know why you are so confident because you’re not cocky. They may make assumptions such as, he must have a big penis or she must be have a ton of money… they have no real idea.

BDE is a quiet confidence in the way you feel and project yourself to the world that others will notice and more importantly, you yourself will begin to feel and believe in. You don’t need anyone else’s approval to feel good about yourself. Who cares if the people at the party will like you, or note, what’s more important is will you like them?

Having BDE is an aura or a vibe that any man or woman can have. Sometimes being with a certain person can give you BDE or being in touch with who you really are can make you walk with the confidence of a person with BDE.

If you look up BDE on the internet, you will find all kinds of comparisons of celebrities to who has BDE and who doesn’t, but who cares! Yes, BDE is this new pop culture thing, but really it’s based on old psychology and confidence. What’s more important that if Justin Bieber has BDE or not is that you can create BDE for yourself and use it to boost your confidence at parties, in meetings, at work, in life in general!

For example, there used to be a time when I felt nervous in certain situations, especially at work in big meetings. Before I even heard about BDE, I would start thinking about some of my favorite Mixed Martial Artist, someone like Jon Jones who yes, may be seen as a cocky a-hole, but besides that, he’s the type of guy that exudes confidence.

I imagined if he was in my shoes, how would he carry himself? Would he be shy? Would he not speak his mind? Hell no, Jon Jones has that BDE! So I pretended I had that same confidence and it positively impacted my work and productivity. Of course I am not Jon Jones. I don’t look like him, I can’t fight like him and I don’t have his money, but that doesn’t mean I can’t borrow from his confidence and use it for my good.

BDE is about having an air of confidence and sometimes you have to fake it to you make it. The people around you won’t know any better and soon you’ll start feeling and believing in your BDE too. That BDE will push you out of your comfort zone and you’ll be surprised at all the places it will take you, at all the places you’ve been holding yourself back from. It can help you talk to that person, land that job, or conquer that goal!

8 Bad Habits To Break Right Now

9 Mar 201710 Mar 2017by Torey C. Richards, LMHCLeave a Comment

We all have habits that at one time may have served a purpose, but now are likely getting in our way and stopping us from experiencing the life we deserve to live. Here is a list of my top 8 habits to break right now.

Procrastinating

Most of us have things we want to do or know that we should do, but we continuously put them off. In order to be more successful, we have to do what successful people do and that is to actually get on with it. Successful people get an ideal and they go into action. They don’t wait. It could be anything from looking for a new job to traveling or starting a business.

Start by putting action towards your goals. Start by doing at least one thing a day that will move you closer to your goals. Don’t feel like you have to wait until you have all the answers or you could wait forever.

Living In The Past

We all have regrets. Things we wish we wouldn’t have done or said. Things we wish we hadn’t been through. The thing is, the past doesn’t define us. It’s behind us and there is nothing we can do to change it. Some of the toughest things you’ve ever been through have made you uniquely prepared to face life’s challenges. Use them for your good. Focus on what you can change which is the present. Focus on your present to build the future you desire.

Being Afraid To Ask For Help

Many of us pride ourselves on being independent, not needing anyone for anything. However, there is nothing wrong with asking and receiving help. Asking others for help can help you achieve more while also learning from and building a network of like-minded people. You can learn from both their successes and mistakes. It doesn’t make you any less independent or weaker.It can be in fact what you need to take you to the next level.

Being Around Toxic People

Unfortunately there are some people in our lives who don’t want the best for us. They may consciously or subconsciously sabotage us by being negative, sucking up our energy or secretly hoping for and cheering on our failures and short comings. For the most part, people can be divided into drains and faucets. Drains take up your time and energy without adding to your happiness, growth and success. Removing or at least minimizing the amount of time you spend with toxic people will revitalize you and help you stay on track with your personal goals and needs.

Maintaining Clutter

I confess that often my work and living areas are cluttered and that clutter has a tendency to make me feel overwhelmed. I’ve been working on (at least at work) de-cluttering and keeping everything as minimalist as possible. I try to only touch a piece of paper one time and file it, sign it, get rid of it or whatever needs to be done to get it out of my face. I also try to keep a good agenda and an organized place to keep important papers. By not maintaining a constant clutter, I tend not to get as anxious, to be more productive and to feel overall more positive regarding the workday.

Not Making Time For Yourself

Most of us feel like there’s not enough time in the day to do what we need to do. However, if you really think about it, we can find the time. How often do we say we don’t have time to exercise, but we’ll spend 2 hours watching a television show or an hour on social media sites?

There are 10,080 minutes in a week. If you take away 8 hours a night for sleep, that’s 3,360 minutes. That leaves 6720 minutes. Even if you work a 50 hour work week you still have 3,720 minutes left. Now you have to divide that up as it fits into your life, such as time for commuting, but you can see that we can find the time to do the things we really want to do.

Not Getting Enough Sleep

Many of us take sleep for granted. Some of us actually pride ourselves on how little sleep we can get and still function. I for one am a night owl so getting a decent nights rest has always been a challenge for me.

Not getting enough sleep can create health problems and actually make us less productive and less sharp. When I don’t get enough sleep I am less emotionally resilient to deal with everything I need to deal with at work and at home. I tend to get more anxious during high stress situations and just am not myself. Making sure we get enough sleep is an easy way to make sure we are more prepared for whatever the next day has in store for us.

Not Challenging Negative Thoughts

We have millions of thoughts a day and unfortunately some of them will be negative. Left unchecked and unchallenged, we can begin to believe those negative thoughts. Those thoughts tell us we’re not good enough or we can’t do something. They can tell us lots of things to make us feel small and unsure of ourselves.

The good thing is they are just thoughts and we can control our thoughts. We need to stop focusing on the negative and focus on the positive. Focus on our strengths and realize that we’re more than our mind. We have a heart, we have a soul. Change your thoughts instead into solution focused, empowering, motivating thoughts that help you crush whatever obstacles are in your way and help you achieve your dreams.

We all have our own personal bad habits and maybe some of these fit you and some don’t. However, the key to personal growth is to be able to self-assess and change whatever needs to be changed in order to keep moving in the direction we desire. So personalize this, make it yours and if you would like to share some bad habits you plan on stopping please leave a comment, I would love to read them.

New Years Resolutions

31 Dec 201231 Dec 2012by Torey C. Richards, LMHC3 Comments

If you are like me, every New Year you make a list of resolutions, a list of behaviors, attitudes and other changes you would like to see in your life, and each year you fail to keep any of them.

I don’t even remember what my New Year’s resolutions were last year, but the top three New Years resolutions are:

starting to exercise
eating better
reducing the use of alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, etc.

I’m pretty sure part of my New Years resolution last year included all of those three things including the reduction of caffeine/diet sodas and I can tell you I didn’t succeed in any of them.

Most people who make New Years resolutions, 75% fail on their first attempt to make changes and most people make more than one goal.

Why do people make New Years resolutions and how successful are they likely to be?

Researchers Mukhopadhyay and Johar (2005) did some research on the psychology of resolutions.

They found that people who believe that self-control is dynamic, unlimited and changing, are more likely to set more than one resolution (i.e., “I can lose weight, stop drinking and go back to school, it just takes willpower.”).

They found out that people who believe that we all have a limited amount of self-control that can’t be changed (i.e., “I’m fat because my mother was fat, I can’t change that” or “I smoke because my father smoked, it’s in our blood”) and those who have little confidence in their ability to carry out their goals (low self-efficacy) do a lot worse on achieving their resolutions.

High self-efficacy correlated to a higher likely hood of a person achieving their New Years resolutions and goals in general.

People with high self-efficacy tend to attribute their failure to achieve something as a lack of effort on their part, while people with low self-efficacy tend to attribute failure to lack of ability.

People who are made to believe that self-control is a fixed or limited resource that they can’t change, made fewer resolutions and gave up on them faster, regardless of their level of self-efficacy.

What does this mean? That if you believe that self-control is an unlimited resource that we all have access to and it can help you with your goals/resolutions, you will do better at achieving them. The more you believe in your own abilities (self-efficacy), the better you will do also.

Setting MORE goals/resolutions also seems to help because you will be more likely to succeed at them, while people who set a small number of goals usually go into it expecting to fail either consciously or unconsciously, and thus create a self-fulfilling prophesy to fail.

Researchers also say having the actual skills to make the changes you want to see in your life is helpful.

If you want to lose weight, do you actually know how? Have you done the research? If you want to save money for example, do the research ahead of time, it will make it easier for you to actually achieve that goal.

Being ready to change also helps of course.

Some people say that they are ready to change, when they really aren’t and then are surprised when they fail at making the change they said they wanted to make.

There’s a whole psychology orientation called Motivational Interviewing that is about preparing people to make changes in their life.

Miller and Marlatt (1998) also suggest to:

Have a strong initial commitment to make a change.
Have coping strategies to deal with problems that will come up.
Keep track of your progress. The more monitoring you do and feedback you get, the better you will do.

Ingredients for setting yourself up for failure:

Not thinking about making resolutions until the last minute.
Reacting on New Year’s Eve and making your resolutions based on what’s bothering you or is on your mind at the time.
Framing your resolutions in absolutes (i.e., “I will never do ‘x’ or ‘y’ again.”).

Good luck with all your New Year’s resolutions. Mine include exercising more, eating better and losing weight. How original, I know, but I am going to use everything I talked about in this post to help me achieve those goals and hopefully you will too.