The internet gives teens access to the world. It also gives the world access to them. And while most online interactions are harmless, there’s a darker reality many parents don’t want to face: online grooming.
Grooming is a manipulative process where someone, often an adult, builds trust with a young person in order to exploit them emotionally, sexually, or psychologically. It rarely starts with danger. In fact, it usually starts with attention, validation, and kindness.
If you’re a parent, caregiver, or mentor, here are five signs your teen may be experiencing online grooming, along with tips for how to approach the conversation.
1. They’re Suddenly Secretive About Their Online Life
Teens value privacy, but there’s a difference between healthy boundaries and sudden secrecy. If your teen starts hiding apps, frequently changes their passwords, or becomes overly protective of their phone, it could be more than typical behavior. Groomers often encourage secrecy with phrases like, “This is just between us,” or “No one else would understand.”
What to watch for: A noticeable shift in how they use their phone, especially if they seem nervous when you’re nearby.
2. They’re Talking to Someone Older but Won’t Say Much
If your teen mentions a new online friend who seems “cool” or says they “understand them better than you do,” but avoids sharing details, that’s a red flag. Groomers often pose as mentors, romantic interests, or even peers using fake profiles. Their goal is to create emotional dependence.
What to ask: “How did you meet them?” “What do you talk about?” “Have you ever seen their face on video, or do they avoid that?”
3. They’re Acting More Isolated or Withdrawn
One grooming tactic is to slowly disconnect the teen from their support system. If your child begins to withdraw from friends, avoid family activities, or only wants to talk to this one person, that’s a warning sign.
What to look for: A sudden loss of interest in hobbies, hangouts, or school, especially if they’ve been active before.
4. They’re Using Language That Feels Out of Place or Too Mature
Watch for changes in how your teen communicates. If their language becomes overly romantic, sexual, or emotionally intense, it may be a result of grooming. Abusers often try to fast-track emotional intimacy by using pet names or bringing up adult topics.
What to listen for: Phrases like “They say I’m special,” or “No one gets me like they do,” or an unusual curiosity about adult themes.
5. They Get Defensive or Angry When You Bring It Up
A groomed teen may defend the person who’s manipulating them. If your child becomes unusually angry, shuts down, or turns the conversation back on you, it could mean someone else has already gained influence.
What to do: Stay calm. Don’t argue. Your goal is to keep the relationship strong enough that your teen will eventually feel safe opening up.
How to Protect Your Teen Without Losing Their Trust
Start early and talk regularly. Waiting until something feels wrong can make it harder to reach them.
Ask with curiosity, not accusation. Stay open instead of going into detective mode.
Set digital boundaries that protect and empower. Use tools, but also explain the reasons behind them.
Meet their need for connection. Many teens fall into unhealthy dynamics because they feel misunderstood or isolated.
Final Thoughts
If you feel like something is off, trust that instinct. You’re not being overprotective, you’re being present. Online grooming is real, and it often happens right under a parent’s nose. But with awareness and connection, you can protect your teen without losing their trust.
Stay informed. Stay engaged. And keep showing up. Your teen needs you, even when they act like they don’t.
There’s a particular kind of wound that doesn’t leave visible scars. It’s not the kind you scream about or even know how to name until years later, usually in therapy or during a quiet moment of reflection. It’s when your parent made you their emotional partner, their rock, their confidant, long before you even knew how to spell the word confidant.
This isn’t about physical or sexual abuse. It’s about a subtle and often invisible boundary being crossed: emotional incest.
It happens when a parent leans too heavily on a child for emotional support, validation, or companionship in a way that disrupts that child’s development.
And the worst part?
To the outside world, it looks like love.
What Emotional Incest Looks Like
Your mom tells you everything. Not just little things. Everything. Her problems at work. Her issues with your dad. Her fears. Her disappointments. She calls you her “best friend” or says, “You’re the only one I can really talk to.”
Or maybe your dad constantly talks about how lonely he is, how he doesn’t know what he’d do without you. He vents to you about his dating life. He needs you to cheer him up, to be strong for him.
It feels like love. It’s closeness.
But it’s not the right kind.
Why It’s So Damaging
Children aren’t supposed to be emotional caretakers.
They’re supposed to be… children.
But when you’re put in that role, it changes how you see relationships, yourself, and the world:
You grow up too fast.
You become hyper-aware of others’ emotions.
You feel guilty prioritizing yourself.
You often attract relationships where you play the caregiver role all over again.
And often, you carry a deep, unspoken grief. Because while you were being someone else’s support system, no one was being yours.
How It Shows Up in Adults
Emotional incest doesn’t always look like trauma.
It shows up in subtle, painful ways:
Struggling to set boundaries
Feeling guilty when saying no
Becoming the “therapist” in all your relationships
Fear of abandonment if you stop being useful
Confusion about your own needs, wants, and identity
Sound familiar? That’s not just personality. That’s survival.
What Healing Looks Like
Healing starts with naming it. Then:
Set boundaries – even if they feel unfamiliar or scary.
Reparent yourself – give your inner child the space to be cared for.
Seek support – from people who don’t need you, but see you.
Release guilt – for prioritizing your own needs.
And most of all, remember: It was never your job to carry their pain.
You Deserved More
You deserved to be protected, not depended on. You deserved to play, to rest, to mess up, and still be loved. You deserved a childhood.
If no one told you that before, let me be the first: It was never your job to hold it all together.
What You Can Do Now
Talk about this openly , even if your voice shakes.
Seek out spaces where you don’t have to be “the strong one.”
Give yourself permission to rest without earning it.
Join the Conversation
Have you ever experienced this? How did it shape the way you love, trust, or care for others?
Drop your story in the comments. Let’s make this a safe space to unpack, release, and grow together.
Recently, I was on the phone with a good friend of mine who is a Psychiatric ARNP and we were discussing relationships when she reminded me of the term FOG, something she was introduced to when attending an event featuring Dr. Anita Phillips.
In clinical practice, it’s not uncommon to encounter individuals who feel emotionally trapped in relationships where fear, obligation, and guilt—collectively known as FOG, heavily influence their decision-making. I’ve seen this dynamic surface time and time again, both in the lives of my clients and, if I’m honest, sometimes in my own.
The term FOG was introduced by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier in their work on emotional blackmail. It describes the psychological pressure people often experience when involved with individuals who may have features of a personality disorder, or who simply engage in manipulative behavior patterns. Understanding this concept is essential when working with clients navigating boundary-setting, relational conflict, or recovery from emotional abuse.
Defining FOG: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt
Fear is an adaptive survival response. It’s what prepares us to react quickly to threats. However, chronic fear, particularly fear rooted in emotional manipulation, can lead to long-term stress, anxiety, and difficulty making sound decisions.
Obligation is closely tied to our need for social belonging. Our natural desire to contribute to our community or maintain relationships can become a vulnerability when leveraged by someone seeking control.
Guilt is a normal emotional response to harming or disappointing others. But in the context of manipulation, guilt is often triggered when an individual resists complying with unreasonable demands. This can make even healthy boundary-setting feel selfish or wrong.
Clinical Examples of FOG Dynamics
FOG often shows up in relational patterns that may not seem immediately concerning but carry significant emotional weight:
A partner threatening self-harm if the relationship ends.
A parent shaming adult children for not participating in family events.
A child or adolescent using emotionally charged language (“you’ve ruined my life”) to pressure caregivers.
Colleagues misrepresenting group consensus to influence decisions.
These scenarios may initially appear like typical relational conflict but can signal chronic patterns of emotional coercion when sustained over time.
The Emotional Impact
Clients who live in persistent FOG environments often present with feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and powerlessness. Over time, these feelings can contribute to symptoms consistent with learned helplessness, a state where the individual believes that no action will improve their situation. This can lead to withdrawal, diminished self-efficacy, and difficulty trusting their own perceptions.
From my perspective as both a clinician and a human being, I can attest that navigating FOG is profoundly challenging. Even those with strong self-awareness can struggle to distinguish between legitimate relational responsibility and manipulation-induced obligation. The who reason my friend mentioned FOG was to point out to me some of the reasons I stayed in a toxic relationship way to long. I did it out of fear (of leaving), obligation (feeling responsible for that persons happiness) and guilt (over a past transgression).
How to Step Out of the FOG
Name It. Awareness is power. When you can identify Fear, Obligation, or Guilt at play, you start to reclaim control.
Use the Internal Pause. Before responding, take a breath and ask: “Is this choice coming from a place of love or fear?”
Challenge the Narrative. Ask yourself: “What would I say to a friend in this situation?” That lens can help you cut through distorted beliefs.
Set Boundaries with Clarity, Not Shame. Saying no doesn’t make you cold. Taking care of yourself isn’t betrayal—it’s self-respect.
Get Support. Whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or trusted friend, healing from FOG often requires safe, validating spaces where you’re not being gaslit or guilt-tripped.
Clinical Recommendations: What Helps
When working with clients (and even in personal reflection), several approaches can support FOG recovery:
Psychoeducation: Learning about personality disorders and emotional manipulation can empower individuals to understand the patterns they’re experiencing. I personally had to read a book on borderline personality disorders in order to get out of a toxic relationship with a former girlfriend.
Boundary Work: Clients often benefit from structured boundary-setting exercises that help them regain a sense of control without falling into emotional reactivity.
Support Systems: Encouraging clients to build networks outside of the manipulative relationship provides a necessary reality check and emotional grounding.
Cognitive Techniques: Teaching clients to pause and apply rational, logical thinking to emotional decisions can help them break the cycle of fear-based responses.
Values-Based Decision Making: Guiding clients to align their actions with their core values, rather than reactive emotions, can help them move toward healthier relational patterns.
Safety Planning: In cases of emotional abuse or high-stakes manipulation, helping clients develop clear safety plans, including the removal of themselves and dependents from harmful environments, is critical.
Final Thoughts
FOG can cloud judgment, erode confidence, and trap individuals in unhealthy relational loops. A a clinicians, it’s my role to help illuminate the pathways out through education, validation, and skill-building.
I’ve seen first-hand how challenging it can be to untangle fear, obligation, and guilt from genuine connection and responsibility. But I’ve also seen people, including myself, find their way out of the fog with support, patience, and compassionate guidance.
If you find yourself walking this path, know that clarity is possible. The fog does lift.
BPD is a mental health condition characterized by intense emotional experiences, difficulty in maintaining stable relationships, and a pattern of unstable self-image. It’s important to understand that individuals with BPD often experience intense emotions, fear of abandonment, and may have a history of unstable interpersonal relationships.
Common Symptoms of BPD:
1. Fear of abandonment or rejection.
2. Unstable personal relationships, which can be characterized by intense love followed by intense dislike.
3. Unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsive behaviors, which might include spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, or binge eating.
5. Recurring thoughts of self-harm or suicidal tendencies.
6. Intense mood swings that can last a few hours to a few days.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Explosive anger or difficulty controlling anger.
9. Paranoid thoughts or dissociative feelings, especially under stress.
Being in a Relationship with Someone with BPD:
Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD can be challenging, yet rewarding. Their emotional intensity can lead to passionate and deep connections. However, the fear of abandonment and intense emotional reactions can be difficult to navigate.
1. Empathy is Crucial: Understand that their emotions and reactions are real and intense for them, even if they seem exaggerated to you.
2. Communication: Open dialogue can help in understanding each other’s triggers and finding ways to navigate them together.
3. Setting Boundaries: It’s essential for both partners to set and respect boundaries to ensure a healthy relationship.
4. Seeking Support: Both partners might benefit from couples counseling or therapy.
Tips for Supporting Your Partner with BPD:
1. Educate yourself about BPD. Understanding the disorder can help in empathizing with your partner.
2. Avoid invalidating their feelings. Instead, listen and validate their experiences.
3. Encourage them to seek professional help if they haven’t already.
4. Take care of your mental well-being. Consider joining a support group or seeking therapy for yourself.
Remember:
Every individual with BPD is unique. The symptoms and experiences might vary. It’s essential to approach the relationship with patience, understanding, and love.
The iconic scene of Marilyn Monroe standing over a subway grate, her white dress billowing around her, isn’t just an unforgettable image from Hollywood’s golden era. It’s a cultural reference to a phenomenon many couples fear: the seven-year itch. But is this itch real, or just a figment of Hollywood’s imagination? Let’s peel back the layers on this relationship concept and see what the fuss is all about.
What Exactly is the Seven-Year Itch?
Coined in the 1955 film of the same name, the “seven-year itch” alludes to a decline in happiness around the seventh year of a relationship, but especially a marriage. It suggests that at this point, partners may feel a sense of restlessness, leading to doubts and temptations outside the relationship.
The Reality Behind the Number
While ‘seven’ is a catchy number (and makes for a great movie title), research shows the concept is a bit more complicated than the film suggests. Some studies propose that marital satisfaction dips not at year seven, but earlier, around years three to four, when the challenges of child-rearing often arise. For others, it might come later. The point is, there’s no universally fixed timeline for relationship ruts.
The Itch Factors
Several factors might contribute to this so-called itch:
Routine and Monotony: The initial euphoria of love, termed the ‘honeymoon phase,’ can wane, giving way to the predictability of daily life.
Children: While they are bundles of joy, children also bring challenges. Sleepless nights, financial strain, and divided attention can take a toll.
Neglect: Partners may feel neglected or take each other for granted as time goes on.
External Temptations: Over time, individuals might feel the allure of new attractions or experiences outside their relationship.
Combating the Itch
The good news? An itch doesn’t mean the end. Here’s how to scratch it without tearing the fabric of the relationship:
Communication: Talk openly about feelings of restlessness or discontent. Recognizing the problem is the first step to addressing it.
Rekindle the Spark: Invest in date nights, take a vacation together, or try something new as a couple.
Seek Counseling: Professional therapy or couples’ counseling can offer tools and strategies to navigate rough patches.
Self-Reflection: Sometimes, the itch might be more about personal dissatisfaction than the relationship. Consider personal therapy or self-help resources.
Is It All Bad?
While the concept of the seven-year itch sounds negative, it’s not necessarily a disastrous sign. It might be an opportunity for growth, reflection, and a renewed commitment. Many couples emerge from these phases with a deeper understanding and appreciation for each other.
In Conclusion: To Itch or Not to Itch?
Relationships, like all living things, evolve. They have their seasons of spring-like romance and winter-like discontent. While the seven-year itch makes for catchy terminology (and iconic film moments), it’s essential to recognize that every relationship has its timeline. With understanding, communication, and effort, most itches can be soothingly scratched, leading to many more years of shared happiness.
“The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.” – Alexandra Penney
The other day I took an interesting seminar on positive psychology and in particular, the PERMA Model. The PERMA Model was developed by positive psychologist, Martin Seligman. “PERMA” stands for the five elements he believes we need to have in our lives to experience lasting well-being and to flourish.
What Does PEMRA stand for anyway?
(P) Positive Emotion In order for us to experience long lasting well-being we need to have positive emotions in our lives. Positive emotion can come from a variety of things such as having gratitude, being at peace, being satisfied, inspired, in love or having hope are just a few examples. Enjoying ourselves in the here and now is essential as long as we also have the other components of PERMA in place.
(E) Engagement Think about when you are truly engaged in something you find interesting. It can be an activity, reading a book, watching a movie or working on a project. When we are truly engaged, we experience a since of flow where we lose our sense of self. Time seems to sit still, and we are engaged intensely on the present. It’s a beautiful thing. The more we experience this type of engagement, the more we will experience happiness and well-being. It’s important that we find things that allow us to experience this since of flow on a regular basis.
(R) Positive Relationships Humans are social creatures and the more we have good, meaningful, positive relationships, the happier we tend to be. In order to achieve long-lasting well-being, it’s important that we have positive relationships. It doesn’t mean you have to be an extrovert or social butterfly. We all have our own unique ways of building and engaging in healthy relationships.
(M) Meaning Meaning happens when we are doing something that is bigger than ourselves. This could be serving a religious or spiritual cause, a humanitarian cause or being a part of something that gives you a sense of purpose. Finding meaning in our lives help gives us a sense of well-being.
(A) Accomplishment/Achievement Most of us want to grow and improve ourselves in some way. It could be learning a new skill, losing weight or challenging ourselves to get over a fear. Accomplishing things is important in helping us flourish and giving our lives a since of well-being. They can be small or big goals.
How to Use the PERMA Model in Your Life
Happiness can be an elusive goal and somethings we focus too much on trying to be happy when instead we should focus more on finding a sense of well-being and living a rich, meaningful life. We can do this by utilizing the PERMA model to start improving your lives.
Start by looking at your life. Look at what you already have that give you the five elements of PERMA. What can you do to improve those things if you already have them or to create them if you don’t?
Positive Emotions: Look for opportunities to have more positive emotions by looking at the people, things and events that bring you happiness. Find ways to bring some positive emotions and joy into your daily routine instead of waiting for the weekend or vacation time to feel enjoyment. It could be finding time to enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning or bringing in plants for your desk at work.
Engagement: Find ways to become engaged with the things you like. That can be a hobby or spending time with friends or working on a project. It can be your work If it brings you happiness. Try to find ways to limit distractions so that you can get into a state of flow. Find activities that make you feel engaged and happy.
Positive Relationships: Do you have enough positive relationships in your life? It could be with friends, family or co-workers. Many of us spend most of our waking hours at work so it may be important to build quality work relationships. Outside of work is just as important. If you can work on improving your current relationships than do it. Commit to spending more time with a friend or family member on a regular basis. Often times we are all busy with our individual lives, but It takes effort to connect and strengthen relationships. If however you don’t have any positive relationships don’t waste too much time trying to build something that isn’t there or worse, something that is toxic. Be open to building new positive relationships with people that make you feel good.
Meaning: Do you feel like you’re connected to something bigger than you? You can get that feeling from your work, your hobbies, charities or your religious or spiritual connections. Finding meaning is important to our sense of well-being and we can find that by performing acts of kindness, being part of a group, volunteering or even just being connected more with those close to us.
Accomplishments/Achievement Are you devoting enough time to achieving and accomplishing your goals and dreams? Identify what it is you want to accomplish in life. You don’t have to start with huge goals, but you can start with small ones and each time you achieve one, celebrate, even if it’s by yourself and privately. Accomplishing things help us feel fulfilled and increasing our sense of well-being.
For more information on PERMA check out “Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being” by Martin E. P. Seligman. Published by Free Press, 2011.
Most people don’t choose to fall in love with a narcissist. Narcissists have an uncanny way of being charming and swooning. Yeah, they may be a little arrogant, but confidence is attractive. What separates someone who is confident from someone who has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Is your partner a narcissist? I know that term gets thrown around a lot out of context, often when someone disagrees with their partners behavior, but if you were in a relationship with a true narcissist you would know it.
Perhaps you know that your partner isn’t treating you right and that they are arrogant, seem to have an inflated ego, takes pokes at you that make you feel bad, and they have angry outbursts that are often out of proportion to the situation. You may not realize it, but you may be stuck in what is known as “the narcissistic abuse cycle”.
Narcissists for the most part are not capable of being in a healthy, loving and equal relationship because when it comes to the narcissist, they must always put themselves first. Even when it seems like they’re not, it’s usually because they are planting seeds for something later.
As someone in a relationship with a narcissist, you will feel the relationship is constantly suffering and you might not be quite sure why.
Here are some signs you should look out for to help determine if you’re indeed in a relationship with a narcissist and caught up in the narcissistic abuse cycle.
You Hold Back Constructive Criticism
Do you Feel like you can’t give your partner constructive criticism because they always take it the wrong way? It turns into a fight you weren’t trying to have, or they find a way to turn it around on you? So instead of saying what’s on your mind you tend to bite your tongue more often than you’d like. An example is, if you tell your partner after his fourth beer that maybe he doesn’t need another, he lashes out at you for calling him an alcoholic or he says you’re always breathing down his back and you’re the reason he drinks.
You Come Second Almost All the Time
Do your wants, needs and desires come second to your partners? Does it feel like most of the time they’re not even considered? A narcissist is so focused on themselves that they often don’t even consider what their partner might want or need. For example, your partner knows you’re a vegetarian, but never takes you to a Vegan restaurant, but instead to his favorite Steak House where he insists you can order a salad and veggies there.
You’re Unfairly Labeled
This is a form of gaslighting that narcissist do very well. They dismiss you as being “dramatic’, “silly” or “controlling”. The way a narcissist does this makes you start to question yourself. You start to doubt your own thoughts and believes. What the narcissist is doing is slowly eating away at your worldview while reinforcing theirs. You start wondering, “Maybe I am too sensitive and dramatic”.
You Start Falling for Their Fantasies
Often narcissists live in a fantasy world where they are better at things then they really are. This is especially true when it comes to money. Very often, a narcissist will spend money they don’t have in order to appear more successful than they are, even if that means neglecting their spouse and other priorities. They may not buy you gifts, or buy you gifts that seem not thoughtful, while splurging on gifts for themselves they can show off.
The Relationship Is Unstainable
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is very much like being in a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder, much of their traits are similar. The only way the relationship has a way of surviving is if you are okay with always putting the other person first and your needs, desires and dreams second if at all. That isn’t a healthy relationship for anyone and yet many people stay in long term relationships with narcist and suffer every day. Their wishes, desires and dreams are constantly being ignored and even extinguished. This can not only cause the person to have low self-esteem, but can actually be traumatic and cause post traumatic stress disorder in some people.
It’s important to recognize if you’re in an unhealthy relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality and start educating yourself and taking the necessary steps to protect your mind and emotions. It’s important that you separate your reality from their fantasy and in the end, it will help you determine to either end the relationship or at least keep you from totally losing yourself while in it.
It’s often difficult to distinguish a wound mate from a soulmate or helpmate because at least in the beginning of the relationship, they feel exactly the same. Both wound mates and soulmates feel like the perfect fit. The connection you feel towards the person, the chemistry and things you share often feel uncanny.
Just like with a soulmate, you will feel like your wound mate understands you better than anyone else. As if they are a part of you that you didn’t even realize was missing. Your feelings for them will be intense and your closeness will feel natural as if it were meant to be. Falling and being in love with them can feel intoxicating.
The issue is the connection you feel with your wound mate doesn’t come from the best of places. You and your wound mate connect because you share unaddressed emotional issues and therefore the bonding you create is due to trauma. You form a trauma bond.
The love you feel for your wound mate is eventually followed by negative energy. At first you may not be able to put your fingers on it, but your intuition tells you that something is off. One or both of you may have trouble committing to the relationship or have inappropriate outbursts of anger, rage or jealousy. Your relationship will become unstable, often breaking up and getting back together only to do it again and again.
Because of your shared unaddressed emotional issues or trauma bond, you and your wound mate trigger each other in ways that are deeper and more heartfelt than in other relationships. This can leave you feeling a mixture of exhilarated and heartbreak. On one hand you have this person who you feel connected with like no one else, but with that connection you also know how to hurt each other like no one else can.
Your wound mate is a person that is so much like you because they are a version of you. They are the dark parts of you that you don’t let anyone else see. The parts of you that you may be ashamed of, scared of, think others will judge you on or simply parts of you that you don’t think others can understand or accept.
Your wound mate triggers and reopens does wounds constantly.
Your soulmate in comparison will not re-open your wounds the way a wound mate does, instead they will help you see what wounds need to be healed and allow you to work on healing them. It’s not your soulmates job to “fix” you, but they can show you what needs to be addressed and allow you to work on yourself.
It’s common in relationships for unresolved emotional baggage to be triggered by both people, but it’s each person’s job to recognize what is their baggage to claim and work on and what’s their partner’s so that they can connect and grow. Wound mates on the other hand, even if they have the best intentions, don’t have the capability to do this. Instead, they just continue to trigger and be triggered creating an unhealthy relationship that will drag both people down.
You feel connected to your wound mate and want to make the relationship work despite all the anxiety, anger and chaos. However, you’ll realize at some point that the relationship is reflecting your wounds and not who you really are. The relationship may be showing you the parent who left you, the kids who bullied you or the brother or sister you hurt.
Your wound mate will show you all those wounds and you will see it as an opportunity to heal through intense love, but that is not love. A healthy partner wouldn’t do that or allow you to do that, only an unhealthy partner will allow for such a toxic relationship.
So many people spend their lives dating wound mates, confusing them with soulmates, but if they checked in with themselves to see how the relationship really makes them feel, they’ll realize that they are just continuing to hurt themselves and potentially their partner as well.
Many of us have or will be in toxic relationships at some point in our lives. Some of us without even realizing it. I believe the key to avoiding allowing most relationships to disintegrate is through open communication and learning the recognize the little tendencies that can grow into habits that create a toxic environment.
What Is a Toxic Relationship?
A lot of people think a toxic relationship is only a relationship where there is physical and/or verbal abuse, and while those are often indeed the most toxic relationships, the average toxic relationship may not be filled with yelling, screaming or violence all. Some of the most toxic relationships involve emotional abuse and manipulation.
In a toxic relationship, the romance, passion and even friendship that once made you happy is pretty much all disappeared and replaced with negative feelings of anxiety, depression, anger, resentment and disappointment. Of course we all know that relationships have their ups and downs and aren’t usually filled with sunshine and rainbows all the time, but there is a difference between toxic tendencies and allowing those tendencies to fester and ruin the relationship.
Toxic Tendencies to Watch Out For
Mutual Avoidance
In relationships, it’s healthy to have your own space and even take breaks from each other from time to time. Those times a part allow you to be your own individual person and even have your own experiences to talk to your partner about when you are together. They help us grow as individuals and even as a couple, but if you and your partner both prefer to do things without each other, sigh in relief when the other one is not home or can’t come to an event you both were invited to, it may not be a good sign. There is nothing wrong with looking forward to and enjoying a night out with the girls or the guys, but when you are looking forward to not seeing your significant other, it may be a sign that the relationship is headed for trouble.
Lack of Autonomy
With that said about mutual avoidance, it’s just as important that you don’t lose who you are while in the relationship. Some people are so eager to be a part of a relationship that they almost willingly give up their autonomy and therefore, their identity as an individual. They no longer are an “I”, but a “we”. Many people think it’s supposed to be that way. They stop being Jane and become Steven’s girlfriend, Steven’s wife and if they have kids they become mom or Asher’s mom. If the relationship fails or when the kids grow up and have their own lives, Jane may become depressed and feel lost because she no longer knows who she is as an individual.
You Tell Half Truths
Okay, so maybe you don’t consider yourself a liar, but you find yourself telling little half truths because it’s easier than telling the whole truth. Like you may say you went to the bar with Jane and Erin, but purposely leave out that John was also there, maybe because you know that will become a fight between you and your partner or that he’ll start asking more questions you don’t feel like answering. It may seem relatively innocent, but telling little white lies is definitely a sign that there may be a bigger issue that needs addressing.
You Can’t Do Anything Right
Your partner is always nagging or criticizing you. It’s a sign that your partner doesn’t appreciate you and in-turn can lead you to develop little toxic tendencies of your own that will only add to the overall toxic level of the relationship.
I once date someone who complained about how I washed the dishes, cleaned the kitchen or made the bed. It got to the point that I just stopped doing those things out of rebellion. What was the point of me doing it if it was never right. Eventually part of her argument became that I never washed the dishes, cleaned the bathroom or made the bed.
You Feel Malcontent
When you’re around your partner you feel unhappy, uncomfortable, anxious or like you’re walking on eggshells, then it’s a sign that you’re in a toxic relationship or one that is on a clear path to being one. Your partner should bring joy and happiness to your life, and like I said, there may be times when you two aren’t happy with each other, but that should be the exception and not the rule. You should never feel in a constant state of unhappiness or anxiousness around the person you’re supposed to be in a loving relationship with.
Jealousy and Envy
Your partner is jealous of your achievements instead of celebrating them with you, Instead of making you feel good, they try to bring you down. In one of my last relationships, I got promoted three times during our relationship nearly doubling my income whereas she didn’t. She would bring that up, not as a means to celebrate me, but in a way of throwing a pity party for herself in which instead of feeling good about my professional growth, I had to turn my attention to her and try to reassure her of her career.
Constant Drama
He or she is constantly finding something to fight or be upset about. If you’re at the beach he or she complains that the sun is too bright, the water is too rough and the waves are too noisy. Some people can’t be happy for too long or they get bored so they constantly stir up drama. It may look like they’re upset, but it’s what makes them feel alive while it drives you crazy.
Living in the Past
Your partner is always bringing up the past. Past mistakes you made, past hurts you may have caused them. They never let you forget that one time you messed up. In a relationship where one partner sees themselves as a victim and wants to hold on to that title, it’s hard to see a promising future because no matter what great things you do in the present, they will always bring up the times you weren’t so great in the past.
Disrespect
I once dated someone who when we fought cursed me out like she hated me. I always always amazed and hurt at the level of filth that came spewing out of her mouth. On top of that, even when we weren’t fighting, we’d go out and she’d start drinking and openly flirt with other people. It was something I tried to ignore, but when it was brought to my attention by other people I realized just how disrespectful she was. If your partner disrespects you often and you have any respect for yourself, then those two realities will constantly clash and you definitely deserve to be with someone who respects you.
You’re Probably Part of the Problem
I have been in a few toxic relationships and eventually learned that I was part of the problem. I eventually learned that I was choosing partners who had certain character flaws and I myself, had a big character flaw called codependency. If I didn’t take time away for myself to address that issue, then I would continue choosing the same toxic people and having the same toxic relationships over and over again. It took a lot of self-discipline, introspection and learning about codependency for me to start trusting myself when it comes to dating again. I know what I am attracted to and I know what I am attracted to is not good for me. I had to learn to trust that I was good enough for healthy partners, not partners who needed saving or that I thought I could fix, help or change.
And that’s the thing, if we don’t find out what it is about us that chooses the type of people that we end up in these toxic relationships with, we’ll just recreate the same mess with someone else. There’s a saying that goes, “Wherever you go, there you are”, which to me means, you can change people, jobs, cities and even states, but if you don’t change what you need to change about yourself, you’ll just recreate the same environment over and over again.
For many years I was an emotional fluffer without realizing It.
What’s an emotional fluffer? Well loosely defined, an emotional fluffer is someone who basically is there for another person in the same role a romantic partner would be, but without the benefits of romance, sex or physical affection. I believe this happens most when the other person is in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, but still wants to be with them and they us the emotional fluffer to satisfy their emotional needs of talking, venting sharing feelings, etc. Basically, the emotional fluffer sustains them and gives them the emotional energy they need. The term is bored from the porn industry, when back in the day before Viagra and penile implants, there would often be a person who performed fellatio or hand jobs on the male actor to get or keep them aroused between scenes.
My Story
When I was in my late twenties I was really interested in a young woman who was in a toxic relationship. She was beautiful, and sweet and being treated poorly by her boyfriend. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why she stayed with him, but I did understand attachment and later I started to feel like she had become financially dependent on him.
Her and I became friends and I wish I could say I only wanted to be her friend, but the truth was I was hoping that when she ended things with her boyfriend she would see me as more than a friend. Her and I became really close. She told me things about herself she hadn’t told anyone. She was open and genuine. She shared her fears, her hopes and her dreams. She was funny and not afraid to be vulnerable.
She had her flaws which she didn’t try to hide and all that made me even more attracted to her, both physically and emotionally. We talked all the time, sometimes every day, multiple times a day. We even hung out ocassionally, not as often as I would like, but about as much as I could expect since she was in a relationship. However, when we did hangout it felt good. It felt right. It almost felt like we were dating.
We went out for dinner, out for drinks, out dancing or just hanging out. There were multiple times we stayed out until the sun came up. We laughed together. We cried together. The bond I felt between us felt impenetrable and natural. I never wanted our time together to end. I felt like it was an escape from reality.
Physically we never kissed or became intimate. The closest contact we ever had was occasional hugs and even times when we cuddled briefly, her putting her head on my shoulders and in those moments, it felt as if everything in the world was right.
There were a couple of nights out after we had been drinking where we became flirtatious and I was tempted to make a move, but I didn’t out of both fear of rejection and fear of ruining our friendship. As much as I hoped she felt for me the way I felt for her, I wasn’t really sure. In the very early stages of our friendship when I mentioned us dating she always said she made a better friend than a girlfriend, but I always thought she was just being self-deprecating. As beautiful as she was, I knew she suffered from bouts of low self-esteem.
When we were together we talked a lot about her frustrations with her boyfriend, about how she couldn’t talk to him or express herself openly. According to her he wasn’t sensitive to her needs and reeked of narcistic personality disorder. It always seemed like she was on the verge of leaving him and each time they would get into a fight, I was there for her and slightly hoping this would be the end of their relationship, but she never left him. Instead just more and more time passed by with me feeling like her boyfriend without actually being her boyfriend.
Whenever she needed me I would drop whatever I was doing. I would listen to her vent and cry about her relationship and tried to cheer her up whenever she was down. I tried to treat her the way she deserved to be treated and I hoped she would see the difference between my love for her and the way her boyfriend claimed to love her. Still, she never left.
Years went by like this and the longer it continued, the more attached I became, but also disheartened that our friendship never developed into anything more. I felt like I was doing all the things her boyfriend wasn’t doing for her and at times it was exhausting, but I did it because I cared about her and yes, I was probably a bit selfish as well. I really wanted her to wake up one day and see me as someone other than her friend, but that never happened.
Eventually, I had to detach for my sanity. I hadn’t put my life on hold waiting for her, but I had compared ever woman I met to her which wasn’t fair. I was never angry with her nor do I think she purposely used me emotionally. I was a willing participate and sometimes there is a fine line between being a good friend and being an emotional fluffer. The main difference as far as I can tell is that being an emotional fluffer gets exhausting and frustrating where a friendship shouldn’t be that way. It’s like you’re satisfying someone’s needs without getting your needs fully satisfied.
Today her and I are still friends. I imagine we’ll be friends for life. We don’t talk or hangout as much as we used to which is a good thing for me. I still have feelings for her, but I no longer sit back and expect one day she’s going to leave her boyfriend. Yes, they are still together and she’s still unhappy, but she’s still with him.
Licensed Mental Health Counselor 