After last night’s election, I think there’s a question worth asking. Why does finding out how someone voted sometimes change the way we see them?
We disagree with people we love all the time. Most of those disagreements don’t make us go back and rethink the relationship. But after an election, you can find yourself looking at someone you’ve known for years and wondering how well you know them. Sometimes all it takes is seeing what they were willing to make a joke about.
I’m interested in what happens in that moment, because I think it tells us something about what we expect from the people closest to us.
What Did You Think I Had at Stake?
One reason we usually don’t talk openly about religion and politics is because of how deeply people can feel about both. Have you ever been cool with someone and then found out that your political views are total opposites? That experience can either be fascinating or jarring.
Two people can care about each other and have very different ideas about what an election means. One person may have voted with the cost of living in mind. The other may be worried about whether a family member will still be able to get the care they need. Both can explain why their concern mattered. The harder conversation is whether they understood why it mattered to the other person.
I think this is where some of the hurt comes from. We expect people who know us well to think about how something might affect us. That expectation is part of what makes closeness feel different from any other relationship. A stranger can dismiss your concern and you might keep scrolling. When somebody you trust does it, you may find yourself wondering if you can still go to them when you’re scared or need help.
“Everybody is entitled to their opinion” is true. It also leaves out a lot of what people are trying to say when they tell you an election felt personal.
How Much Can a Vote Tell You About a Person?
I think we can get this wrong in both directions. We can decide one vote tells us everything we need to know about somebody. We can also use years of good history with them to explain away something that genuinely bothered us.
What makes more sense to me is to look at the vote, what the person actually said, and how they’ve treated you over time. Those are three different pieces of information. If somebody voted differently and you’ve never heard them explain why, there’s probably more to learn. If you’ve heard them repeatedly make fun of a concern you’ve already explained to them, that matters too.
There’s another question I’d ask myself here. Have I been willing to hear what they thought was at stake? I can take my own concerns seriously and still be curious about how somebody else came to their decision. What they tell me might make the difference easier to understand. It might also make clear that the disagreement goes deeper than I thought.
What Happens After the Disagreement?
With Thanksgiving coming up, some people are probably already deciding whether to bring any of this up. I understand the appeal of leaving politics alone for one afternoon. You might want to eat, see your family, and enjoy some time together. But if the election brought up something that’s bothered you for years, getting through dinner peacefully may leave you with the same question you had when you walked in.
One thing I’d pay attention to is how the person responds when you tell them why it bothered you. Someone can disagree with you and still take your concern seriously. They can ask what you’re worried about and listen long enough to understand your answer. That may sound like a small thing, but it tells you something about whether you can be honest with each other when you see things differently.
If last night changed how you see someone, I’d start by asking what changed. Did you learn something about what they value? Did the way they talked about the election bother you? Or did it bring up something you’ve had a hard time saying to them for a while?
The answer might tell you more about what you need from the relationship than another conversation about who won.
The election may have given you a reason to ask a question that was already there. Can I tell this person what matters to me and trust them to take it seriously, even when they see things differently? Sometimes the answer is yes, and you’ve been putting off a conversation that could bring you closer. Sometimes you’ve had that conversation enough times to know the answer. Either way, I think it’s worth being honest about what you’ve learned. You can love somebody and still have to rethink how much of yourself you feel comfortable sharing with them.
